Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, and, you know, news is news. Sometimes it's exciting, sometimes it's justā¦ there. This one was aboutā¦ well, I guess it's about people, near where one country stops and another one starts. The border. Yeah, that's it. So, apparently, these folks near the border... they heard some gunshots. Now, I don't know about you, but gunshots, those aren't great. I mean, I like the idea of freedom as much as the next guy, but maybe we could freedom responsibly? Like, fireworks on the Fourth of July, that's good. Gunshots on a random Friday? Less good. The thing that got me, though, was they said the *gunshots went on for two hours.* Two hours! What are they shooting at? I can't even decide what to have for dinner for two hours. Imagine trying to stay focused on shooting something for *that* long. I would get distracted. Like, āWait, is that squirrel wearing a tiny hat? Nope, just leaves. Okay, back toā¦ what was I doing?ā And the neighbors? Imagine trying to mow your lawn, two hours of gunfire in the background. You'd be like, āHoney, I think weāre gonna skip edging the driveway today. Itās a littleā¦ loud.ā Or the dogs. My dog, he hears a car door slam and he's ready to fight. Two hours of gunshots? He'd need therapy. And probably a muzzle. For me. Anyway, so, yeah, people near the border heard some gunshots. For a long time. I hope theyāre okay. And I hope they find something else to do for two hours next time. Maybe learn to knit. Or watch paint dry. Anything's better than that.
2025-12-06 03:04
Alright, so, you know how sometimes things just...happen? Like, you're going about your day, and suddenly you're learning about, uh, laws. Yeah, laws. So there's this thing, see, that happened back in November. It's about this uh, *situation* - the Jeffrey Epstein thing. I knew that name was going to come up, didn't I? Sometimes I'm too honest with myself, you know? Anyway, apparently, there's a bunch of...papers. Documents. You know, like when you get your taxes done, but probably more complicated, because, y'know... lawyers. And paperwork isn't my strong suit, so I'm already lost. I mostly sign what my accountant tells me. I figure he probably knows more about it than I do. So, back to the papers. This law, from November, it's basically telling the Justice Department, "Hey, you gotta show everybody these papers. By December 19th, you gotta make it public." And they're only supposed to keep the *secret* papers secret. The ones that are *not* secret, those are the ones they're gonna make public. Which makes sense, because...well, you can't exactly call a document secret, if you show it to everyone, right? It involves a few *people* -- Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, plus some other folks involved in this thing. I'm guessing there's probably a lot of names. I don't know *exactly* what's in these papers. Probably a lot of words. Some dates. Maybe a coffee stain or two, 'cause you know government work. But if they're gonna show them to everyone, might as well be ready to read them. I'm gonna need a bigger cup of coffee. Just to stay awake. And probably a few more people to explain it to me.
2025-12-06 02:34
Alright, so I was reading this thing, and it's aboutā¦ embroidery. You know, likeā¦ thread and needles? My wife knows about it. I don't. I know how to sew a button, which is basically the limit of my textile knowledge. I can get by. But this isnāt just *any* embroidery. This is *Syrian* embroidery. Apparently, it's a big deal. Like, represents the whole country deal. I didn't know countries had official embroidery, but makes sense. I mean, if America did, what would it be? Flags? Hot dogs? Itād be tough to narrow down. Anyway, so thereās been a war going on, right? For like, thirteen years, according to this article. Thirteen years! I donāt even know what I was doing thirteen years ago. Probably eating pizza and trying to figure out my taxes. And this war almost made the Syrian embroidery disappear. Can you imagine? Almost lost forever. Like finding out they were gonna stop making Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! But get this, the warās over nowā¦ they said, at the end of 2024. Thatāsā¦ recent. Iām still trying to process 2022. And after all that, this group of ladiesā¦ led by a seventy-year-old German woman, decides to step in. A *German* woman! Now, Iām not saying anything, but it feels like there's a joke in here somewhere with the cultural difference. You just know she probably has really good organizational skills, and this embroidery is gonna be done right. Efficient embroidery. So, yeah, sheās trying to save this embroidery, this ancient art. So, the lady's trying to save the ancient embroidery. Which, I guess, is good. It's justā¦ embroidery. I feel like there are probably more important things to worry about after a war, but who am I to judge? I'm still trying to figure out how to fold a fitted sheet. Maybe saving embroidery *is* important. Maybe itās likeā¦ hope, stitched into fabric. Or maybe itās just embroidery. I donāt know. I'm just trying to tell you what I read here. And honestly, I think Iām gonna go look at a hot dog right now.
2025-12-06 01:34
Alright, alright, so I saw this thing, see? Theyāre having this soccer, uh, *football* World Cup in 2026. Which, okay, I get it. Big deal. A lot of kicking a ball around. Seems like a lot of travel. I don't know... Anyway, they had thisā¦drawing. A lottery? For the World Cup, I think? It was in Washington, D.C. Which, you know, makes sense I guess. But hereās the thing. The guy in charge of the whole soccer thing, this, uh, Gianni Infantinoā¦yeah, that's a name...he gave the President a trophy. A *peace* trophy. From FIFA. A peace trophy! Now, Iām not saying the President *isn't* for peace, I mean, who's against peace? Itās like being against puppies, right? But itās justā¦a *peace* trophy from the *soccer* people? I was thinking about it. Do they give this out every year? Is this like the soccer version of the Nobel Prize? I don't know. Probably more fun to watch. And what do you even *do* with a peace trophy? Put it next to your participation trophies from little league? Because Iāve got a bunch of those. Iām thinking about melting them down and making one really big trophy. Call it āMostly Showed Up, Occasionally Tried.ā But a *peace trophy*. I feel like there should be a banner made of it when peace occurs. Like a banner for peace in every town, it would be awesome! So yeah, soccer guy gives the President a trophy for...peace. That's all that's happening. Sometimes you just gotta look at things and ask, "Is this real life? Or is this just soccer people?"
2025-12-05 22:34
Alright, so I'm trying to understand this thing I read about the former president of the United States. They had this whole thing written down, like an official document, which is already a little scary to me, you know? Anything official is usually involving taxes or jury duty, and I am trying to avoid both of those whenever possible. Anyway, apparently, he was laying out what he thought was important, like what America should be doing. And it involvedā¦the whole world, which feels like a big area to cover, if I'm being honest. I can barely keep track of my keys, let alone international relations. So, the main point seems to be that he was, uhā¦ kinda telling Europe what to do. Like giving advice. Iām not even sure what happened in the first place. Iām guessing they asked for the advise? I donāt know how this works. I guess he wanted them to be "great" again or to restore their āgrandeurā. Now, Iām not sure what theyāre doing wrong, or what being great really entails, I mean, isnāt it exhausting to always be great? Iām trying to be mediocre every day. Itās working out great, actually! But, yeah, he was basically giving them a pep talk, from what I could gather. You know, like a coach, but for an entire continent. Which isā¦a lot of pressure. If I give my kid a pep talk and he strikes out, I just say, "Hey, at least you got out there." You can't really say that to Europe if things don't work out, can you? āHey, at least you tried!ā It sounds kind of mean, if you think about it. I donāt really have any idea what any of this means, but thatās the gist of it. The former president shared his opinions. He didnāt really specify what "grandeur" was. And Iām standing on a stage talking about it. You have to admire how far a lack of knowledge can get you, I guess.
2025-12-05 21:04
Alright, so, I was reading this thing the other day... about these guys, right? From over in... the UK. Across the water, you know. And they're taking these little trips, little day trips I guess, over to France. I don't know why they're going to France, probably for the pastries, I'd go for the pastries. I love pastries. My wife, Natalie, she makes a mean donut. But anyway... So, these guys, they're not going for the pastries, apparently. They're going to "stop the boats." That's what they want to do. Stop the boats. Now, I'm thinking, "Like, with their hands?" Because, I mean, a boat is pretty big. You ever see a boat up close? They're massive. I don't know how many of these guys there are, but I'm guessing not enough to just... stop a boat. Maybe they have a rope? I donāt know. I donāt have the details. And the reason they want to stop the boats, see, is because they think there are too many people coming over. Which... I guess I get it. Too many people at the buffet, I get it. But boats... It's complicated, right? Iām trying to figure out how to stop a boat, and now thereās the complication of why. I don't know, it just seems like a lot of effort. I mean, I have trouble getting the kids to take out the trash. Youād think stopping an entire boat would be pretty hard. I wonder if they get tired. I bet they get tired. If stopping a boat was easy everyone would be doing it, right? So basically, these guys are taking trips to France toā¦ to yell at boats. That's the gist of it. It feels like there's a better way, but that's just me. I bet France is confused by this. Iād be confused. I canāt even follow the story myself. I need a map!
2025-12-05 20:34
Alright, so I was reading this thing, and, you know, I donāt usually read things that are too complicated, becauseā¦ well, you know. I get confused. But this one, itās about this guy, Yasser Abu Shabab. Thatās a name, right? Yasser. Abu. Shabab. Sounds like maybe a law firm? "Yasser, Abu & Shabab ā Weāll get you off, probably." Anyway, this guy was a chef. Which is cool. I like chefs. They make food. And I like food. So weāre already on the same page here. But, see, he wasnāt just any chef. Apparently, he was a *milita chef*. Now, I didnāt even know that was a job. Like, what do you cook for a militia? A lot of chili? That makes sense, probably easy to prepare for a lot of people... Turns out, this militia was likeā¦ Anti-Hamas. And they were protected and armed byā¦ Israel. So, itās getting complicated. Politics. I usually stay away from those. It's already hard to choose between hamburger and cheeseburger! So, this Yasser guy, he gets into, well, a disagreement. With his own family! A disagreement! Now, I know family disagreements. We all do, right? Last Thanksgiving, my uncle wouldnāt stop talking about Bitcoin. And I was like, "Uncle, I just want the mashed potatoes." But this was more serious than Bitcoin and mashed potatoes. This was, apparently, a "settling of accounts." I think it means something like a family fight that escalated way more. I donāt know. All I know is that this guy, Yasser, the chef, the militia guy, the anti-Hamas guy, theā¦ you get the picture, right? He got killed. By his own family. You know, itās justā¦ sad. It's always sad. You'd think being a chef would keep you out of trouble. But the world is weird. Isn't it weird? You just never know what's gonna happen, unless you're watching TV or something, and then you already know, because it's on TV. But that's a story for another time, I guess...
2025-12-05 20:04
Alright, alright, so I saw this thing, right? About this award. And it's one of those awards where, you know, they give it to you forā¦ well, unifying people and bringing hope. Which, honestly, sounds like a real tough job. I mean, unifying people? Have you *met* people? We can't even agree on whether pineapple belongs on pizza! I like pineapple on pizza, by the way. I don't know why it's controversial. Anyway, so this award is for unifying people. And apparently, this president ā you know, the American president? ā he said he *deserved* it. *Before* he even got it. Which, okay, that's confident. I admire the confidence. I couldn't say that about *myself*. Like, if someone asked me if I deserved an award for making people laughā¦ Iād be like, "Well, some of them laugh." And sometimes they just stare. That's unifying, right? Unifying the "stare-ers." I don't know. But yeah, unifying people and bringing hope to the future. Thatās the criteria. Which is good, because, you know, future generations are going to need it. Because between the pineapples and the staringā¦ Iām not sure what weāre leaving them. So, good on him, I guess. He got the award. Hopefully, he uses it to unify some more people. And maybe get them on board with the pineapple. Just sayinā.
2025-12-05 20:04
Okay, so I was reading this thing... I think it was the newspaper, could have been a flyer at the dentist, who knows? Anyway, it's talking about this German guy, Friedrich Merz. Chancellor, I think? Sounds important. Like, the guy who decides if you get dessert important. So, Friedrich is going to Brussels. Brussels. Isn't that where the sprouts are from? I don't like Brussels sprouts. Are they serving Brussels sprouts? That's the real question. He's going there to have dinner. Now, I like dinner. I'm good at dinner. I'm a professional dinner-haver, you could say. But this dinner is different. This dinner has a purpose. Apparently, he's having dinner with this lady, Ursula von der Leyen, who, I guess, is in charge of... something important over there. And another guy, Bart De Wever. They all sound like they're in a band. So, the whole point of this dinner is to... convince... Bart. Yeah, that's the word. Convince. Now, convincing people is hard. I try to convince my wife to watch a documentary about boats with me. Doesn't happen. He's trying to convince Bart about something to do with "Russian assets." See, this is where I get lost. Assets? Like, did someone leave their car keys at the airport and theyāre trying to get them back? I don't know. And apparently, these āassetsā are supposed to helpā¦ Kiev? That's a place, right? So basically, this German Chancellor, he's flying to Brussels, probably dealing with jet lag, to eat dinner with two people he might not even like, all to convince one of them about something that involves Russian... stuff... to help... a place. It's a lot. I just hope they at least have breadsticks. Because if you're going through all that, you deserve some breadsticks. And maybe I should stick to watching documentaries about boats. Itās a lot less confusing. And sometimes, they find breadsticks on the boats. Maybe. I haven't seen that episode yet.
2025-12-05 19:04
Alright, so, I was reading something the other dayā¦ well, technically, my wife read it and then told me about it because you know how I am with readingā¦ anything, really. Itās like, I start and then I think, āI could be napping. Or eating. Or watching someone *else* read!ā Anyway, she was telling me about thisā¦ bill. A law. And, uhā¦ from what I gathered, itās about companies. Big companies. The kind that orderā¦ stuff. I donāt know, like maybe theyāre ordering pizza for the whole office, but times likeā¦ a thousand. So, these companies are called ādonneurs dāordreāā¦ and that sounds way more complicated than it needs to be, right? Like, why not just ābig order companies?ā So, apparently, some people are worried this bill will make it harder to hold these ādonneur dāordreā companies accountable. Forā¦ stuff. Iām still trying to figure out exactly what kind of stuff. But, the gist is, if something goes wrongā¦ like maybe the pizza delivery guy trips and falls, or, I don't know, the office gets a paper cut from all the invoices... it might be harder to blame the big company that ordered all the stuff in the first place. I don't know... it just seems like, if you're a big company, you should at least be responsible for, like, knowing where the pizza came from. You know? I just feel like they should have to clean up the mess if the pizza delivery driver falls over, even if it's his fault. Honestly, I'm mostly just trying to understand it all. It's a lot to keep track of. I'm still trying to remember which fork to use at dinner. This whole "social responsibility" thing... it just sounds like something I should be doing more of. Like, remembering to take out the trash. Or, you know, occasionally doing laundry. My wife seems to think those things are important... and you know how that goes. So, yeah. That's the bill. Big companies maybe getting away with less responsibility. Iām sure there's more to it, but... honestly, my brain is full. I think I need to go lie down. Maybe order a pizza. But, you know, be responsible about it.
2025-12-05 18:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing the other day... it was about a boat. You know, like a boat. Not my area of expertise. I'm more of an... inside guy. I prefer being indoors. Outdoors is just... unpredictable. You never know whatās gonna happen. Rain, bugs...boats capsizing. Anyway, so this boat, apparently it was near this placeā¦ uhā¦ Ay-keen... Plage? Plage. Sounds like a fancy shampoo. So, the boat leaves andā¦ it sinks. Real quick. Like, almost right away. Thatās not good, right? Shouldn't boats, you know, float? I thought that was the main feature. Like buying a toaster that doesn't toast. What are we doing here? Turns out, there were these people on the boat. Two fellas from Ethiopia, and a guy from Eritrea. Now, I'm not a geography whiz or anything ā you ask me to point out those places on a map, and I'm just gonna point randomly and hope for the best. But, uh, they were trying to go somewhere, and the boat just... didnāt cooperate. And, well, the three guysā¦ they didn't make it. Yeah. They were on the boat that didn't float, near the shampoo-sounding town. Pretty rough. Itās just... you know... boats. They gotta float. That's all I'm saying. It's a pretty low bar, right? Float! And then... try not to sink anyone, especially folks from Ay-thi-o-pia and Er-i-tree-ah.
2025-12-05 18:34
Alright, so I read this thing, right? It was about Ukraine's president flying somewhere. You know, president stuff. Visiting places. I donāt know, shaking hands, maybe getting a sandwich. President stuff. And apparently, while heās flying, which, flying is already kind of weird when you think about it, right? You're justā¦up there. In a metal tube. We all just trust that. Itās wild. So he's flying, and theseā¦ drones. These *military* drones, I guess. Military ones sound fancier than the ones I saw in the sky, with the lights, I saw one once, but that one was just a regular drone, I guess, not a *military* drone, those must be a lot cooler. Anyway, *these* drones are flying where they *arenāt* supposed to be flying. Like, you know how some places, they have those "No Trespassing" signs? It's like that, but in the sky. No Sky-Trespassing. So these drones were sky-trespassing. And where were they sky-trespassing? Towards the *route* of the presidentās plane! Which, that sounds bad, right? Like, they were heading in the *direction* of where the president was gonna be. So they went into an area where you canāt be, and they are heading towards the area where the plane is gonna be. I donāt know why they were there. Nobody seems to know. Probably just got lost. You ever get lost driving? I get lost driving *everywhere*. You just drive and then youāre like, "Wait, how did I get here? Am I even in the right state?" Maybe the drones had a similar problem. They were probably just going to see a friendā¦a friend who livedā¦ in restricted airspace. But, yeah, military drones, near the Ukraine's president's plane route. That doesnāt seem great. So that was the story. I think.
2025-12-05 18:04
Okay, so I saw this thing the other day, and I'm still trying to figure it out. It was aboutā¦ gold. You know, gold? Shiny stuff? People seem to like it. Apparently, there's, like, an *underground* gold-digging operation going on. Not like, marriage, you knowā¦ Actual digging. In the ground. For gold. I guess they call it "clandestine gold-digging." Clandestine. Thatās a fancy word, isn't it? I should probably start using that more. "Honey, I'm gonna go do some clandestine napping." See? It works. So, these guys are illegally digging for gold. Which, okay, I get it. Gold is expensive. But the government, they're trying to stop them. They put a lot of money into stopping them, apparently. A *lot* of money. You'd think, with a lot of money, you could stop some people digging in the ground. Thatās what I would think, anyway. But hereās the thing: itās *not* working. I read this report, and it said, even though they're spending all this money, these illegal gold-diggers, they're just too... *resilient*. That was the word they used. Resilient. Like they're little gold-digging Weeble Wobbles. You know, those toys that always pop back up? āGold-digging Weeble Wobbles,ā now that's a good name for an act. I'll write that down. So, basically, the government is spending a fortune, and these guys are still finding gold. Itās likeā¦ who's winning here? I donāt know. Maybe they should just hire the illegal gold-diggers to *find* the illegal gold-diggers. You know? Two negatives make a positive? Or maybe I'm just overthinking it. That's probably it. I'm terrible at math. This is probably why I do comedy.
2025-12-05 17:34
Okay, so, I was reading this thing the other day... or, well, I *tried* to read it. It wasā¦ a lot of words, okay? And big ones. Basically, there's this guy, right? He works at thisā¦ place. Let's just call it a thinkin' place. I don't know what they *think* about, probably stuff way over my head, likeā¦ how to fold a fitted sheet, but on a global scale. Anyway, this guy, he's writing about Russia. And he's saying that Russia, over time, kindaā¦ pushed America and Europe apart. Like when you're on the couch and your brother keeps inching closer and closer until finally you're just hanging off the side, and youāre like āSeriously, Chad?!ā But, you knowā¦ with countries. So, apparently, Russia did this. And now America and Europe aren't as close as they used to be. Which, you know, is concerning. Because I always thought America and Europe were friends. Like Batman and Robin. Or maybe more likeā¦ peanut butter and jelly. They just go good together, you know? And the guy in this article, he's worried about what this means for the whole world. Specifically, he's thinking about Ukraine. Theyāre trying to figure out how to get everyone to stop fighting. Which seems reasonable. Youād think theyād just call a timeout, but apparently itās more complicated than that. But this whole āAmerica and Europe drifting apartā thing, well, it makes it harder. Because now you gotta get *three* people to agree, instead of just two. Itās like trying to decide where to eat with your wife and her mom. Good luck, buddy. So, yeah. Russia, America, Europe, Ukraine, war, peaceā¦ it's all connected somehow. I don't *totally* understand it. But the main thing is that it might make ending the war harder. And Iām just sitting here thinking, "Man, if they just called a timeout and had pizza, maybe this whole thing would be easier." You know? Maybe. Probably not. But Iām just sayinā. It's worth a shot. I mean, everyone likes pizza, right? Except maybe my daughter, but she's going through a phase where she only eats white foods. Iām not even kidding. A white-food-only phase. What *is* that?
2025-12-05 17:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, which is already a weird thing for me to do, right? I mean, usually, I'm just trying to figure out what my wife is making for dinner. But, anyway, I'm reading the news, and it says they're having, like, meetings. Several meetings. Which, that's already too many. I donāt understand the need to meet so much. One email should be enough, right? And these meetings are about the U.S. having a planā¦ to end a war. Now, I'm not a war expert. I barely understand the rules of Monopoly. But wars seem like a big deal, you know? Like, way bigger than my ability to parallel park, which, let me tell you, is not a high bar. So, the U.S. has this plan, and apparently, they're talking about it. A lot. In these meetings. With other people, I'm assuming, because otherwise, that's just a weird, very expensive therapy session. But here's the kicker. While theyāre having all these meetings, the U.S. also sent the plan toā¦Moscow. Which is like, okay, you're talking about it with some people, and then you just fax it over to Russia. Did they send it by fax? I donāt know. You would think they would use something fancy. Like a telegram. It's justā¦ seems a little like trying to surprise someone with a birthday party but telling them about it a week in advance. Like, "Hey, we're having a surprise party for youā¦next Tuesday at 7!" Whereās the surprise? So basically, thereās a plan to end a war. Everyone's talking about it. And Russia also knows about it. I don't know if it's going to work, but hey, at least everyone's aware of the war and the plan.
2025-12-05 17:34
Okay, so, I saw this thing aboutā¦ Belgium. You ever been to Belgium? I haven't. I mean, I've *been* to Europe, but it was mostly just trying to figure out the different plugs. They don't even tell you. You just gotta guess. Anyway, Belgium. Apparently, their Prime Minister, this guy Bart De Wever ā which, already, that's a mouthful. I can't even imagine spelling that out at Starbucks. They'd just hand me the coffee and say, "Here, just go." So, Bart, he's worried. See, there's this talk about, uhā¦ taking some Russian stuff. Like, their assets, they call 'em. I don't even know what that means. Is it like, their furniture? Their vacation homes? Iām just picturing moving trucks pulling up to a giant house in Moscow, and some guys are like, āYep, this is Belgium's now!ā And Bart is saying that this might cause problems. Legal problems. Financial problems. Security problems. Which, I mean, thatās all the problems you *can* have, right? He's having dinner with some important people. Like, really important. The German Chancellor, Friedrich Merz. I'm going to try to remember that for trivia night. And a lady named Ursula von der Leyen. I bet she can spell Bart De Wever. But what's really got Bart in trouble is he said it's "not desirable" for Russia to lose the war. Not desirable! Like itās choosing between two kinds of wallpaper. Now everybodyās upset with him. And Iām sitting here thinking, āBart, buddy, maybe just order the steak at dinner and keep your opinions about international conflict to yourself.ā Seems like the simpler option, right?
2025-12-05 17:04
Okay, so I saw this thing... I read the thing. And it's about England, right? Which, you know, is already complicated. I went to England once. They drive on the wrong side of the road. And they're fine with it. I don't understand. It's like, why? Anyway, this guy, he's like, watching England real close. Like a hawk, I guess. Except hawks are cool. He's more like... a guy who checks the mail a lot. He's watching the "Labour" party. I think that's how they spell it there. Labour. Sounds like something you do in the yard, right? Raking leaves and stuff. So, the Labour party, they're supposed to be, I don't know, the nice guys? The regular fellas? But this guy says they're getting kinda... mean. Like, they're trying to be tougher than the *other* party. And there's another party, too, called "Reform UK." Which sounds like a support group for people who like to rearrange their living room. And so both parties are going so hard on being tough that they are both just kinda going hard and acting silly at the same time, right? Its like two dads, each trying to be the coolest dad on the block. Itās a *race to the shallot*, they said, these parties. Which is weird, because it sounds like they should be cooking something. And a shallot is a type of onion, for those of you who donāt know. But it isn't about cooking at all! Just a bunch of parties getting to the point where they look silly because they're trying so hard to look tough. I don't know. It sounds exhausting. Iād rather just stay home and watch TV. Maybe cook with an onion. But definitely not race to a shallot. That's just weird.
2025-12-05 16:34
Alright, so I heard about this thing. It happened... somewhere. Europe, I think? Doesn't really matter. They have stuff going on there, we have stuff going on here. It's all... happening. So, apparently, these drones. Now, I'm not talking about the buzzing bees, you know, the ones that make honey? Which, by the way, *who* figured out you could eat that? Like, "Hey, these little angry guys are stinging me, but maybe if I get past that, there's a sweet treat inside?" That's dedication. I don't have that kind of dedication. I barely remember to put on socks in the morning. Anyway, these drones were the... other kind. The ones that fly around and, you know, take pictures or... spy, I guess? I don't know what people do with drones. Probably film themselves doing backflips, right? Iād try that but Iād break a hip. But here's the thing: there were *five* of them. Five! Flying over this... base. A base of some kind. Military, I assume? You donāt usually see five drones just hanging out over, like, a dry cleaner. Unless the dry cleaner is *really* good, I guess. I need to find a good dry cleaner. Mine shrunk my good suit. And they saw them around 7:30 at night. So, it's dark out. Meaning whoever was flying these drones must be, like, *really* good at it. Or really bad. I don't know which is more concerning, honestly. Imagine, flying five drones at night and not crashing them into each other? Thatās impressive. I can barely keep my car in the lane on a sunny day. So yeah, five drones. Over a base. At night. That's the story. I don't know *why* they were there. I don't know *who* was flying them. I just know that five drones were involved. It's... a situation. Hopefully, they catch whoever it was, because itās definitely not a good look. Maybe theyāll put the drone flyers in charge of the dry cleaners? Just a thought.
2025-12-05 15:34
Okay, so I saw this thing on the news. Theyāre talking about rain. Now, I like rain, you know? Itās good for the grass. I think. I don't really take care of my grass. My wife does that. She's really good at it. But anyway, this rainā¦ itās not good rain. Apparently, there's been a lot ofā¦ *un-good* rain, somewhere over in Asia, I think. Itās like, a lot. They said millions of people are having a bad time. Millions! Thatās so many people. I have a hard time just remembering to call five people back. Millions. Thatās nuts. And, this is the part that really got me, they said over 1,600 peopleā¦ uhā¦ didn't make it. From rain. I didnāt even know that was possible! I mean, you can get wet. I've gotten wet. I've definitely stood under an awning before trying to stay dry. But 1,600 people... from the rain! So, now theyāre saying *more* rain is coming. Which is justā¦ not ideal. Youād think they could justā¦ stop the rain, right? I don't know how. I'm not a rain-stopper. Iām just saying, maybe somebody knows how. Maybe NASA? They seem to know about everything. So, yeah. Lots of rain, lots of people having a tough time, and more rain on the way. And you know what that means? Probably more umbrellas. And you know how I feel about umbrellas... I can never get them folded up right. Always poking people. Just a mess.
2025-12-05 15:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing, and it's about... well, it's about buildings. In... uh... let's just say it's far away. You know, the kind of "far away" where you need a real good map, and maybe a translator. That's never a good start for me. So, apparently, they had this "cease-fire," right? Cease-fire. Sounds important. Like everyone's decided, "Okay, no more." Which is good, I like the idea of "no more." Less is always better. Less traffic, less laundry... less everything, really. But then, and this is where I get a little lost, even after reading it twice... okay, like five times. It said even though they said "no more," there's still... stuff happening. See, the people who live there, theyāre saying that things are still getting destroyed. And I was like, "Wait, didn't they say 'no more'?" I mean, I'm a comedian, not a lawyer, but I feel like "no more" is pretty clear. Then they showed these pictures fromā¦space. Space! I can barely parallel park, and theyāre showing me pictures from space. Makes you feel inadequate, you know? But these space pictures, they showed... well, more destruction. So basically, it's like they called a time-out and then kept playing. Except instead of a ball, theyāre usingā¦ buildings. Which seems excessive. So, the summary, if I understand it correctly, is: they said stop, but they didn't really stop. And now, people are understandably upset. Honestly, I'm a little upset. It's confusing. I don't like confusing. Makes me think I should've paid more attention in geography class. Which, I definitely didn't.
2025-12-05 15:04
Okay, so I was reading the news the other day ā which, you know, I try to do, but honestly, itās a lot. Like, who *understands* all this stuff? Anyway, theyāre talking about this big deal, right? Apparently, some companyā¦ well, they bought another company. In the entertainment world. And entertainment is already confusing. You got movies, TV shows, theme parksā¦ and now companies are buying each other. It's chaos. But get this: they're saying it's the biggest deal since Disney bought Fox. Which, even that, I remember thinking, "Disney already *has* everything, what else is there?" They had Mickey Mouse and Cinderella, I thought that was it. So, this deal is even bigger-er, I guess? Than *that* one. Which meansā¦ well, Iām not really sure what it means. I just know itās big. And it's something about entertainment. So, maybe they'll put out more movies. Or maybe they'll just combine the companies andā¦ I don't know... rearrange the desks? I really donāt know what happens when companies merge. Iāve never merged. Iām barely keeping my own life together, I don't have the space to take on another company. I just hope this all leads to more clean comedy. That's what the world needs. No merging required.
2025-12-05 13:34
Alright, so I was readingā¦ well, I was *looking* at a news article the other day. You know, trying to stay informed. Which, honestly, is a full-time job if you want to understand anything. Anyway, this article was about Europe, which, geographically, I know where it is. But politics over there? Thatās a whole different country, I think. So, apparently, there's thisā¦ European Peopleās Party. Which, I guess, sounds important. Like, the name is very straightforward. Youād assume they're all about the people, which is nice. But then they teamed up withā¦ three groups. Now, these other groups, they're into ānationalismā and āsovereignty.ā Those are big words, right? My wife, she knows what they mean. I usually just nod. And these groups ā these three groups and the European Peopleās Party? They got together and passed a couple of lawsā¦ about immigration. See, that's already a complicated thing. People moving. Paperwork. Itās a mess. The article said they kinda went around the normal way of doing things, which, you know, is the European Parliament's ātraditional majorityā. I donāt know what that means. Sounds like a complicated recipe that needs to rest overnight in the fridge. Now, get this. The article says the *countries* ā not just the European Parliament ā are also supposed to be like, "Yeah, this is fine, do it like that" at a meeting in Brussels, Belgium. So, to recap, it's all like a complicated group project, but nobody agrees on the topic. And then they decide to "wing it" at the last minute with new ideas. Which, you know, never goes wrong. So basically, this is about people coming to Europe, and there are some new rules, and some people aren't happy, andā¦ honestly, I'm still not sure I understand it. I feel like I need a whiteboard to explain it, and even then, I might just draw a picture of a potato. It would probably be just as accurate, you know?
2025-12-05 13:34
Alright, so, I heard about this thing happeningā¦ inā¦ uhā¦ a place. Let's just call it "France" for now, makes it easier. See, I always have trouble with geography, and my wife, she's always correcting me. Says I point to Europe when I think I'm pointing to Asia. It's justā¦ land, you know? All connected. Anyway, so in France, they got thisā¦ base. Like, a military base, I guess. And apparently, Thursday night, around seven-thirty - which, you know, is getting close to bedtime for some people, myself included ā they sawā¦ five drones. Now, I donāt know about you, but Iām not a drone expert. I see drones, I think of the Amazon guy delivering my package. And usually, he just leaves it by the door. Doesn't hover. But these weren't *delivery* drones. These were... *mystery* drones. They were justā¦ over the base. Like, flying around. Not landing, not dropping anything... justā¦ *there*. Five of them. At the same time. Now, Iām not great at math, but five drones feels likeā¦ a lot. Like, are they ordering takeout for the whole base? I donāt know. Nobody knows who was flying them. That's the weird part. They were just... *there*. Kind of like when you lose your keys. You know they're *somewhere*, you just have no idea *where*. Except, instead of keys, it's drones. And instead of your house, it's a military base. See, *that's* the difference. So, yeah, five mystery drones. Over a base in France. Around bedtime. The world is getting weirder, I tell you. Makes you wonder what they're gonna invent next. Probably flying cars that can't find parking. That's what I'm expecting.
2025-12-05 12:34
Okay, so I read this thing... it was long, like, longer than my daughter's explanation of why she needs a new... whatever theyāre called. Anyway, this thing, thisā¦ report, itās saying that Washington ā and I assume that's D.C., because I've been to the state of Washington and they're pretty cool with everyone there ā Washington D.C., they think this "mass migration" thing, it needs toā¦ stop. See, I'm not even sure what "mass migration" *is*. Is that like, when a whole bunch of people decide to move at the same time? Like a flash mob, but with suitcases? I picture everyone packing up their houses and then just, coordinating a time to all leave at once. Which seems like a lot of work. Youād need a pretty good group chat. But apparently, it's a concern. They're saying border security is the "main element" of national security. So, like, *the* main element? I mean, I thought it wasā¦ I don't know, maybe having a good minor league baseball team? That seems pretty important for morale. So theyāre really focused on the border. My wife, Natalie, sheās big on security too, but usually just about locking the car after I park it. Which, fair enough, I forget sometimes. I get distracted. Iām easily distracted. Like, I started reading this report and now Iām thinking about flash mobs. The whole thing was 33 pages long. 33! I donāt even think Iāve read 33 pages *ever*. I usually just read the back of the cereal box. And even then, I'm mostly looking at the games. So, yeah, Washington thinks we need to be more careful about who's coming in. I don't know, seems like a big issue. Probably someone will figure it out. Hopefully before my daughter decides to "mass migrate" to get the newā¦ you knowā¦ the thing.
2025-12-05 12:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, which is, you know, a choice I made. It's not always the best choice. But I saw this thing about...uh...Elon Musk. He has that website, right? The one where everyone yells at each other with the little bird? Anyway, apparently, the people in...uh... Europe? They're saying he broke some rules. Some, like, online rules. Now, I don't know all the rules. I barely know how to work the website. I still think you're supposed to put a period at the end of everything you type, you know? Manners. My mom would kill me if I didnāt. But apparently, these European folks think that this website, it broke, like, three rules. They didn't say exactly what rules, but Iām thinking maybe he parked too close to a fire hydrant online. You know? People are sensitive about that stuff. But thatās not all of it. See, they're *still* looking into it. Like, they're not even done. Theyāre saying that maybe there are bad things on there. Illegitimate things. Stuff thatās not supposed to be there. Which, I mean, yeah, that tracks. And then they're worried, these European folks, about... manipulation. On the website. Manipulation. Now, I don't know about you, but I feel like if you're on that website, you're *asking* to be manipulated. It's the whole point, isn't it? Like going to a magician and then complaining you were fooled. So, they're checking to see if Elon is doing enough about the bad stuff and the manipulation. Which, thatās a job. I don't envy him that. I canāt even get my kids to pick up their socks. Howās he supposed to control the entire internet? Seems like a lot of pressure. Anyway, that's the news. Three rules broken. Maybe more bad stuff coming. And a lot of manipulation. I'm gonna go take a nap. I think I need it after all that.
2025-12-05 12:34
Alright, so, I was reading this thing the other day, and it was talking aboutā¦ well, it was talking about Europe and America. And Ukraine. See, I told you I was reading. I read, sometimes. Mostly menus, but still. Anyway, apparently, uh, what's-his-name, fromā¦ a country over thereā¦ let's just say he's a "fancy president"ā¦ he was hanging out in China withā¦ well, another president. A *Chinese* president. They were in this city... thisā¦ Chengdu place. Sichuan province. I didnāt know they had provinces in China. That sounds complicated. I can barely keep up with the states. So, there they are, these two presidents, probably eating something I can't pronounce, and he says, you know, the "fancy president" says, it's *very important* that America and Europe get along. Like, really important. Aboutā¦ well, Ukraine. And Iām sitting there thinking, āOkayā¦ but why are you in China telling us this? Couldn't you have just, like, called somebody? Sent an email? Do they have emails in China?" I don't know. Maybe he thought it was a good backdrop for the message. I guess it adds anā¦ international *flavor* to it. Like those fancy water bottles with cucumbers in them. Fancy. And then I started thinking, like, why *is* it so important for us to get along? I mean, I get along with my wife. Usually. Except when she asks me to fold the fitted sheets. Nobody knows how to fold those things. It's some kind of trick. But countries getting along? I donāt know. I guess it's important. I just wish they'd tell me *why* without having to fly to China to do it. Seems like a lot of frequent flyer miles for a conversation, you know? I wonder if the president used his points, or if the taxpayers got that one. They get everything else.
2025-12-05 12:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, or at least *trying* to read the news, you know how that goes. I get about a paragraph in and I'm already thinking about what I'm gonna have for dinner. Anyway, this story was about Netflix. Netflix, you know, the thing we all pay for and then spend 20 minutes scrolling through trying to find something to watch? It's a whole process. So, apparently, Netflix is thinking about buying Warner Bros. Discovery. Warner Bros. Discovery. That's a mouthful, isn't it? Feels like they just kept adding names until they ran out of room on the building. It's like when you order a sandwich and they just keep piling on the toppings. At some point, it's not a sandwich anymore, it's aā¦challenge. So Netflix buying them... This is what I understand from it : Netflix would have *a lot* of shows. A *lot*. We're talking Batman, Harry Potter, maybe even Friends! That's a lot of TV and movies. And here's the funny part. Apparently, the White House, you know, where the President lives, is worried about this. The White House! They're worried about Netflix getting too big. I didn't even know the White House was involved with Netflix. You just assume they have bigger problems, like, I don't know, fixing the potholes. I guess they're afraid Netflix will have too much control over what we watch, which, I mean, I'm already giving them $15 a month and canāt find anything to watch, so I donāt know what theyāre doing with the little control they already have. So yeah, that's the story. Netflix might buy Warner Bros. Discovery, the White House is a little concerned, and I'm just sitting here wondering if that means the price is going up again. Probably. Everything's going up. I swear, the only thing going down these days is my attention span.
2025-12-05 12:34
Alright, so I was reading this thing the other day, right? And it was talking aboutā¦ well, it was talking about this place. Iām not gonna try to pronounce the name, because, you know me, Iāll butcher it. Let's just say it's far enough away where I couldn't drive there if I wanted to. Anyway, they had this fire, right? A bad one. Like, a whole apartment building. One hundred and fifty-nine people. That's a lot of people. And it happened a while back... like five years ago, I think. My memory is not great, I just realised. I'm gonna need to start writing these things down. So, five years go by, and you'd think, okay, things would be calming down. But what's happening is that the people, theyāreā¦ well, theyāre upset. Still. And the way they're showing it is kinda interesting. Theyāre having these gatherings. Like, to remember the people who died. Which is a good thing. I mean, you should remember. But see, apparently, these gatherings are also a way for them to... let's just say, air some grievances. With the people in charge. I guess there was some sort of rule put in place a little bit before the fire and I guess people are frustrated and I don't think they are using these gatherings to play parcheesi if you catch my drift. So basically, they're going to these memorials, and it's likeā¦ a memorial and a protest all rolled into one. Which, Iām not saying itās bad, itās justā¦ complicated. Because, like, what if youāre trying to mourn and someone starts yelling aboutā¦ I donāt knowā¦ regulations? You know? Itās just, sometimes I read these things, and I think, āMan, life is weird.ā Itās already weird enough, you know? I mean, you gotta park in a driveway and drive on a parkway. It makes no sense. And then something like this happensā¦ I just don't know. It makes you wonder if maybe we should all just focus on parallel parking. At least that makes sense, and it's frustrating for everyone!
2025-12-05 11:34
Alright, so I'm reading this thingā¦ (leans forward, squinting slightly) ā¦and it's saying that Ankara ā that's a place, right? Inā¦ somewhere. Anyway, Ankara, theyāre, like, becoming the peacemakers of the world. I guess there's some kind of thing happeningā¦ stuff. And apparently, this country ā Ankara ā is in a pretty good spot, geographically speaking. Which I always thought was a good thing, being in a good spot. Like, you want to be on solid ground, not, you know, in quicksand. Thatās just common sense. So they're in a good spot, and because of thisā¦ spot-nessā¦ and the president they have, he's pretty good at this peacemaking thing. I donāt know, I always thought peacemaking was for, like, doves and hippies. But now it's a whole international thing. The president is able to handle the stuff, and I guess thatās good. I'm just happy someone's figuring this out. I'm usually just trying to figure out what channel my kids are watching.
2025-12-05 11:34
Alright, so I saw this thing on the news, and it was aboutā¦ uhā¦ some countries. I think. Somewhere far away. They were fighting, you know, like countries do sometimes. Always fighting. So, apparently, we ā America, thatās us ā we were putting pressure on them to stop. Which, you know, is nice of us, I guess. Like we're the parents of the world. Except, I'm a parent, and I can't even get my daughter to pick up her socks. Pressure doesnāt really work on anyone. Anyway, these guys, fromā¦ uhā¦ let's just say Place A and Place B, they signed this peace treaty. A peace treaty! Big deal, right? The guy from America, theā¦ uhā¦ the one with the hairā¦ he called it āhistoric.ā Historic! Which, everything's historic these days. I ate a sandwich earlier; that's probably historic. But get this. They signed the treaty, did the whole handshake thing, posed for the picturesā¦ all that jazz. But then, the news said, like, right after the cameras leftā¦ they kept fighting. They were still fighting! I mean, come on. It's like when my wife signs a chore chart. She's got it all planned out, the kids have their chores, and I have mine. Iām supposed to take out the trash, right? I *agreed* to it. Butā¦ I still don't do it. The chore chart? Just a piece of paper. The peace treaty? Sounds about the same thing. People promise stuff and just move on. So, yeah, they signed a peace treaty. That's the update. But, you know, it didn't actually change anything. Maybe they should have tried the chore chart instead. Might have had a better shot.
2025-12-05 10:04
Alright, so, I was reading this thing...well, *listening* to it, 'cause reading is...it's a process. Anyway, it was about the Cold War. You remember the Cold War? It was cold. Figuratively. I think. There weren't, like, icicles everywhere, just...tension. You could cut it with a butter knife, is what they say. But who's walking around with a butter knife? Nobody I know. So, during this Cold War, Russia, or the Soviet Union, or whatever they were calling themselves then...they weren't letting people read certain books. Imagine that! Banning books. I mean, I struggle *getting* people to read my books. Banning seems like a whole other level. Like, a victory, almost. "Hey, they banned my book! It must be good!" Anyway, so the CIA, right? The Central Intelligence Agency. These are the *spies*. You know, the guys in the movies with the briefcases and the secret handshakes. Turns out, they were running a book club. A *secret* book club. That's like, double the commitment. You gotta read *and* keep it secret. I can barely remember to take out the trash. So they were smuggling books *into* Russia. I thought the CIA dealt with, like, explosions and codes and stuff. But no, they're shipping in, like, Tolstoy. Can you imagine? "Alright, agent, your mission: get *War and Peace* into the hands of Comrade Dimitri." Seems like a lot of effort for a book that makes me tired just looking at it. The idea was, these books were supposed to, like, give people hope. That's what the book says, anyway. I don't know. I get hope from a good nap. But hey, different strokes. Apparently, some people needed *Anna Karenina* to keep them going. I guess to each their own, right? It's all in this book...about the book club...run by the CIA. See, that's already too many layers for me. It's like a Russian nesting doll of books and spies and...and... well, you get the idea. I'm glad somebody figured it all out and wrote it down. Because I'm still trying to figure out why my phone is constantly reminding me to do things I already did.
2025-12-05 10:04
Alright, so, I heard about this thing, right? And it's about... uh... well, it's about these guys, one's from the White House, a "Special Envoy," they call him. Steve Witkoff. Sounds like a character in a movie aboutā¦ I don't know, something with spies. And the other guy is related to the President somehow, Jared Kushner. Seems like everybody's related to somebody important these days. I go to a family reunion, I'm just related to a bunch of people who like potato salad. Anyway, Witkoff andā¦ what was his name? Kushner. Kushner. They went to go meet Vladimir Putin. Yeah, *that* Vladimir Putin. I don't know what they talked about, probably politics. That's what people like that do. You know, "important" stuff. I mostly talk about what kind of chips are on sale at the grocery store. So they have this meeting and afterwards, Putin comes out and says the talks are "complex." Complex! That's what I thought when I tried to assemble that grill last summer. Complex. But he also said they should "engage." Engage! See, now that's the confusing part to me. You're already in the meeting! You're already talking! What does "engage" mean after you're already *there*? Is there a second level of talking I donāt know about? Do you have to use your words more assertively? Should you start a conversation about the weather? I don't know what engage means, but I'm gonna have to remember it because it sounds like one of those business terms that you need to get right. Iād hate to go to a meeting and then fail to āengage.ā That would beā¦ awkward. So, yeah, thatās the story. These guys met, talked aboutā¦ complex stuff, and now we all have to āengage.ā I think I need a nap. Maybe with a bag of chips. The discounted ones, of course.
2025-12-05 08:04
Okay, so, I saw this thing in the news. And I'm trying to understand it. Politics, you know? It's... it's something. So apparently, President's got this guy, Steve Witkoff. Don't know him. Seems like a nice fella. And then there's Jared Kushner, who I *do* know is the son-in-law. I'm always impressed by people who marry into power, you know? Seems like a plan. I never think that far ahead. My wife, she's great, but she can barely operate the microwave. Political dynasty? Not in my house. Anyway, these two guys, Witkoff and Jared, they were supposed to go to Brussels. Brussels! That's in... Europe, right? See, geography, that's another thing Iām not good at. I just know itās a long flight. But they cancelled the Brussels trip. Why? Well, here's where it gets interesting. They were coming back from Moscow, see. *Moscow*. So they're flying around like theyāre the globetrotters, these guys. But instead of Brussels, they went toā¦ Miami. Miami. Now, Iāve been to Miami. Itās hot. Like, *really* hot. And there's all this stuff going on and I always feel like Iām not dressed correctly. Iām in jeans and a t-shirt and everyone else is in linen outfits and sunglasses the size of saucers. I feel like I am at the beach to fix a leaking pipe or something. So, instead of Brussels, they go to Miami. And they meet the head negotiator and the chief of staff fromā¦ Ukraine. So, Russia, Ukraine, and Miami all in the same story. It feels like a setup for a joke. So, let me see if I get this straight : instead of visiting the place that has famous Brussels sprouts, they are in Miami, probably sweating, talking to people from Ukraine, after being in Russia. I donāt know what they talked about. I donāt know *why* they talked about it in Miami. Maybe the weather? Maybe they just wanted a good Cuban sandwich? I don't know! I'm just trying to understand the news. Seems like a lot of traveling for a sandwich, if you ask me. But thatās the story. Pretty sure thatās the gist of it. I think. I hope. Did I get it right?
2025-12-05 07:04
Alright, so, I was reading this thing... about, uh, the Secretary of Defense. You know, the guy in charge of... defense. It's a big job. I'm not sure I could handle it. I mean, I can barely handle remembering where I parked my car at the mall. So, apparently, heās in a little bit of trouble. Congress is asking questions. You know how Congress is ā always asking questions. It's like, "Hey, what are you doing?" "Hey, why are you doing that?" "Hey, do you know where my stapler is?" Anyway, so heās getting questioned about some, uh, some boat stuff. In the Caribbean. Which sounds nice, doesnāt it? The Caribbean? I've never been. My wife keeps saying we should go. I said, "Honey, that's a long way to go for a boat ride." She didn't laugh. Turns out, these werenāt exactly pleasure cruises. Apparently, these boats, they think they were... doing some drug-type stuff. So, the military... I guess they... "took care" of them. I don't know all the details. I just read about it. Now, I always wondered, how do you *suspect* someone of doing *drug stuff*? Is it just like, their boat is playing reggae really loud? Is that how it works? Or do they have bumper stickers like "My other boat is a submarine?" I don't know. But the real kicker is *how* he was telling people about this. He was using this app called Signal. Iād never heard of it. My wife uses it sometimes and my daughter uses it all the time, but they never explained it to me. I assumed it was some kind of Morse Code, because that's the only way I can explain secret apps that no grown man has ever heard of. Turns out, some inspector, an inspector general... He said that the secretary created "a risk to the operational security" using Signal. See, thatās what I don't understand. How is a phone app, even a secret one, a risk? This is a grown man with a very important and impressive job. He went through a lot of schooling and training. He must know how to send a text. Iām just thinking to myself, if thatās the problem, I'm in a lot of trouble. Because I use text to text my wife to bring me a sandwich while she is in the kitchen. And she *still* brings me the wrong sandwich! So, the long story short: Secretary of Defense. Boats. Maybe drugs. Secret app. And now, probably, even *more* questions. Seems like he just wanted to go to the Caribbean and hang out on a boat. Who hasn't?
2025-12-05 05:34
Alright, so I heard about this thing, and I'm trying to figure it out, okay? It's aboutā¦military service. But itās a little different. See, apparently they used to *make* people do military service. Like, youāre 18, figuring out what to do with your life, and they're like, "Nope! Army!" I donāt know, seems like a good way to make sure people donāt join the army. Like forcing people to watch baseball. But then they stopped doing that. For fourteen years! I don't know why, maybe everyone got tired of it. But now, *now* they're bringing it back. Sort of. Here's the thing ā and this is where I get confused ā they're making it...optional. Okay, I get that, sounds better already. But if you volunteer... you get paid. And it's not, like, "hereās twenty bucks and a pat on the back" paid. They pay you 2,600 euros a month. Which, I had to Google it, is like...a lot of money. I mean, that's more than I make some months! So, youāre 18, you don't know what you're doing, and the government's like, "Hey, wanna join the army? We'll give you money." It's like reverse psychology, right? It's like when you tell your kid, "Don't eat the cookies!" and then suddenly they *really* want the cookies. They say itās only for six months minimum. So Iām thinking if you do it for only six months can you even learn anything about the army? Probably just how to march straight, and how to fold a shirt. Iām not good at either one of those. I don't know. Seems like a good deal, though. Maybe I should volunteer. Iām probably too old, andā¦ probably too out of shape. And, well, you knowā¦ Probably best if I just stick to telling jokes. Seems safer for everyone involved.
2025-12-05 05:04
Okay, so I was reading this thing, right? And itās aboutā¦ some people in charge. Which, you know, is already confusing to me. I donāt understand how they decide who gets to be in charge. Like, did they win something? I donāt know. Anyway, this guy, this President Trumpā¦ yeah, thatās him, the one with the hairā¦ (pauses for audience acknowledgement)... heās got an administration, which I guess is likeā¦ a team? And then thereās this other guy, Pete Hegseth. Sounds like heās in charge of the defense-y stuff. Like making sure nobody messes with us. I mean, hopefully, thatās what heās doing. So, apparently, these guys did somethingā¦ an operation, they called it. And it was in the water. Not just any water, international water. See, thatās where I get lost. Like, who owns international water? Is it a timeshare situation? Do you have to book it in advance? And what happens if you spill something in international water? Is that, like, a global fine? I donāt know. But whatever this operation was, people are mad. Real mad. Theyāre saying it wasnāt good, whatever it was that they did out there in the, you know, *[waves hands vaguely]*, in the international water, and the fingerās being pointed straight towards those two fellows. They're saying they messed up. I guess you just can't go about conducting operations wherever you want. So, you know, itās justā¦ a whole water-based situation that I donāt understand. Which, letās be honest, is most situations. I just hope nobody got wet. I hate being wet.
2025-12-05 04:34
Okay, so, I saw this thing in the news. Itās aboutā¦ uhā¦ a map. Yeah, a map. Seems straightforward, right? It's a map! Now, Iām not a big map guy. I mean, I use GPS. I trust it. Sometimes. It got me to that open mic night in Toledo onceā¦ eventually. But, you know, maps. Theyāreā¦ flat. And the world isā¦ round. I still don't know how that works. Anyway, this mapā¦ apparently, someone wasn't allowed to use it. Like, they went to use it and somebody was like, "Nope! Not on *my* watch!" And I'm picturing this, you know, like a security guard for a map. That's already funny. Iād watch that movie. So, some judge, a *really* important judge, I guess, decided that the security guard for the map had to let them use the map. Seems reasonable enough. Maps are for everyone, right? Unless itās a treasure map, in which case, finders keepers. But then, get this, another group of even *more* important judgesā¦ the HIGHEST judgesā¦ they came in and were like, "Wait a minute! No, no, no. You *can* use the map! The first judge was wrong." So, the map is back in action. It can be used. By the guy who wanted to use it. So, that is sorted out. I donāt know *why* they didnāt want him to use it in the first place. Maybe it had, like, outdated roads? Or, like, maybe it was a map toā¦ Nickelbackās house? I donāt know. Iām just trying to make sense of it, I promise. The whole thing just seems like a lot of fuss about a map. It's like when I'm packing a suitcase, and my wife is like, "You can't bring that shirt!" And Iām like, "Why not? It's a shirt!" Then it turns into this big discussion. Maybe maps are the same way. Anyway, the good news is that the map is back on. So if you ever need to findā¦ wherever that map goes... you're set. Now, if youāll excuse me, I have to figure out how to fold one of these things.
2025-12-05 01:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing the other day, and I gotta be honest, I had to read it like, three times. It was aboutā¦ uhā¦ permits. Like, the kind you need to, you know, *work*. And it turns out, these work permits, they used to be forā¦ five years. Five years, that's a good amount of time. You could really get used to a job in five years. You might even learn what you're doing by year three! Me, it takes me about five years to figure out how to load the dishwasher right. My wifeās still not convinced I got it. But anyway, so these permits were for five years, which seemed reasonable to me. But nowā¦ now they're only for eighteen months. Eighteen months. That'sā¦ that's a year and a half. I don't know about you, but I can barely get my taxes done in eighteen months. I usually file for an extension and then forget about it for another six. That's just me, though. Iām not good with dates. So, these permits, they're cutting them way down. And this affects, like, a bunch of people. Like, people who really *need* to work. People who, well, they had to leave their other home. You know, those folks. And it's all kinda confusing, because eighteen monthsā¦ what are you gonna do in eighteen months? You could start a business, I guess. I tried to start a business once. It involved selling personalized bobbleheads. Didn't go well. People don't really want a bobblehead of *me*. I donāt blame them. But yeah, eighteen months for a work permit. It just seemsā¦ short. Like, you barely have time to learn the coffee machine at work before you gotta figure out if you can even *stay* at work. Just saying. Seems complicated. Iām gonna need a permit just to understand the permit rules!
2025-12-05 01:04
Okay, so I heard this thing, right? About... diplomacy. You know, talking to people. Itās a whole job, apparently. And apparently, we got thisā¦ Institute. An Institute of Diplomacy. (I didn't even know we *had* one! I thought diplomacy just kinda... happened.) And they decided to honor this guy. Called him the "best negotiator *ever*." *Ever!* Like, in the history of the world. That's a lot of pressure to put on a fella. Now, hereās the funny part, though. This Institute... they made it back in 1984. And the guy who's currently the president, the one who everyone's hoping will keep us from arguing at Thanksgiving dinner, right? Well, he apparently tried to shut this whole thing down, like, a couple months after he got started! Got rid of almost all the bosses. The *chiefs* are gone! Why would you shut down the diplomacy people ? What are they even doing anyway ? Diplomacyā¦ it just sounds hard. Like a game of charades where you can only use hand gestures that everyone already disagrees with. So, itās like, "Hey, you're the *best*!" "Also, I fired everyone who works with you, and nearly got rid of your office." Makes you wonder if he knows what this Institute does, or if he just saw the word "diplomacy" and thought it sounded like "Diplodocus," the dinosaur. I'm just saying, I donāt understand any of this. It's like when my wife wants me to vacuum. She's really insistent I learn to use the vacuum. I'm a grown man. But, then when I start cleaning, she says it is not how she wants me to do it. I just smile, nod, put the vacuum away and go watch tv in my lazy chair. So yeah... diplomacy. Itās probably important. I don't know. Iām still trying to figure out why some peanuts are more expensive at the airport than others. This whole diplomacy thing just went over my head.
2025-12-04 22:34
Alright, so I saw this thing on the newsā¦ well, someone *told* me about it on the news. See, I don't always *watch* the news. Too much yelling. My wife, she watches. And then *I* get yelled at, because apparently I'm supposed to know what's happening in the world. So, apparently, the President ā and I don't care who it is, any president ā they were talking about thisā¦ thing. In, uhā¦ a place. Iām not even going to try and pronounce it, but it's in Africa somewhere. East Africa, to be specific. And the President, he's saying it's gonna be a "big miracle." A miracle! I don't know, seems like a lot of pressure to put on a situation, you know? If itās already tough, you donāt need to add the possibility of a miracle not happening. Then everybody is disappointed! He also called it a āpowerful and detailed agreement.ā Now, I hear āpowerful and detailed,ā and Iām thinking taxes. Or maybe a warranty. Things that are long and nobody wants to deal with but you gotta do it because, well, you just gotta. But the thing isā¦ and this is where I get lostā¦ they're still fighting. Like, *a lot*. Big, big fight, apparently. So, you've got the president talking about this miracle, detailed, powerful agreement, and then right next to it it is still fighting going on. Soā¦is this the *before* the miracle? Or the *after*? Because if itās the *after*, I feel like someone forgot to tell the people still fighting. Because they didn't got the memo. I donāt know, maybe theyāre fighting over the details in the āpowerful, detailed agreement.ā Like, āI thought we agreed on *this* many donkeys! Not *that* many!ā Honestly, the whole thing just sounds like a mess. I just hope everyone figures it out. And maybe dials back the miracle talk a little. It puts too much pressure on everybody. And then I have to hear about it on the news, and then *I* get yelled at. Itās a whole thing.
2025-12-04 21:34
Alright, so I saw this thing in the news, right? About... France. You know, with the Eiffel Tower? And they're trying to get China to, uh, you know, *handle* Russia. With the whole... war thing. See, France is like, "China, you're pretty good friends with Russia. Maybe you could, I don't know, talk to them? Tell them to, like, chill out for a second?" And China's just kinda... not. That's the thing. They're saying theyāre not sending weaponsā¦ but apparently, they're sending parts. Which, I guess, is like, "Hey, we're not giving you a car! We're just giving you the engine, the tires, the steering wheel... all the stuff you need for a car!" So, France is trying to get China to step in, and China is like, "Nah, we're good. Thanks, though." Which... well, it's not working. It's like me trying to get my dog to understand taxes. I'm explaining it real slow, but... he's just looking at me, wagging his tail, hoping for a treat. Pretty sure he thinks "IRS" stands for "I'm Really Special." And France is standing there like, "Okay... so maybe we try again? Maybe we bring snacks this time?" I don't know. It's all just... complicated. I mostly just try to figure out what I'm having for lunch. Seems like a more achievable goal, honestly.
2025-12-04 21:04
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day. Trying to stay informed, you know? And I saw this story aboutā¦ well, somebody got arrested. Finally. After a while. Apparently, back in January of 2021 ā remember that year? Felt like it was 8 years ago, didnāt it? ā this guy, whoever he is, decided toā¦ decorate?ā¦ the headquarters of both the Republican and Democrat parties. Withā¦ umā¦ homemade presents. Now, Iām not great at crafts, but apparently, these werenāt the kind of presents youād put under a Christmas tree. These were moreā¦explodey. Now, Iām not saying he was trying to, you know, blow anything up. Maybe he just really liked crafting and thought everyone would appreciate hisā¦uniqueā¦creations. I don't know. I don't know why he made bombs, and I definitely don't know why he decided to deliver them to a political party, or two political parties. But they didn't seem very appreciative. The point is, it took them over four years to find this guy! Four years! I lose my car keys for 10 minutes and I'm ready to call in the National Guard. Four years they took. And you know what? My wife thinks I lose my keys because I wear them on a carabiner. Maybe this guy also has a carabiner. I bet the FBI didn't think of that. They were probably looking for a fingerprint, but they should've been looking for a carabiner on a belt. Anyway, that's the news.
2025-12-04 21:04
Alright, so I was reading this thing the other day ā I donāt even remember where I was, probably trying to figure out how the microwave works. You know how it is. You put something in, hit a button, and just hope for the best. Anyway, this articleā¦ It was about the Pentagon. You know, the building shaped like aā¦ well, a pentagon. Pretty straightforward. Inside this Pentagon, apparently, there's this whole *other* group of people. Theyāre independent. Inside the Pentagon. Thatās like having a referee at a chess match. I mean, are you really gonna argue with a guy about moving a pawn? Seems a little much. So, this independent group, theyāre looking into something the Secretary of Defense did. See, he was using this appā¦ called Signal. Itās supposed to be, like, super secure. For messages. Which makes sense, right? You donāt want everyone reading your grocery list. Though, honestly, my grocery list is pretty boring. Itās usually just bread and some kind of cheese. Cheddar. Iām not fancy. But the Secretary of Defense was using Signal to talk aboutā¦ get thisā¦ *bombings* in Yemen. Yemen! I had to Google it. I thought it was a new kind of yogurt. Nope. Turns out itās a place. So, heās talking about these bombings, and somehow ā and this is where it gets weird ā this magazine called "The Atlantic" found out about it. The *Atlantic*! I thought they just wrote about, you know, the ocean. Apparently, they're also keeping tabs on top secret bombing plans. So now, these independent guys *inside* the Pentagon are investigating the Secretary of Defense because he talked about bombings on an app that was supposed to be secret, and then a magazine found out about it. Iām just saying, maybe send a carrier pigeon next time. Or just whisper it. Honestly, I'm pretty good at keeping secrets. You can tell me anything. Iāll probably forget it by lunchtime anyway. You know, after I try to make popcorn in the microwave again.
2025-12-04 20:34
Okay, so, I was reading this thing the other day... It was about... uh... Lithuania. I think. (pause, slight shrug) Lithuania. Itās a place. It exists. I'm pretty sure I could point to it on a map... if the map was, like, right here in front of me. And had labels. Real big labels. Anyway, in Lithuania, they got this political party, "Nemuno Ausra." Sounds like a breakfast cereal, right? "Nemuno Ausra: Part of this complete breakfast... of political stuff!" So, Nemuno Ausra, they're in charge, part of a group in charge, and they're trying to change some rules about... the news. The *public* news. Like, the news everybody gets. And apparently, the news people are not too happy about it. I guess it messes with how free they can be to report stuff. I don't know all the details, honestly. It was a lot to take in. I was mostly thinking about that name "Nemuno Ausra." I kept picturing a cartoon sun rising over a field of, like, wheat. But the news people, they're planning a big protest. Like, a whole bunch of them, all together. Which, you gotta admire the dedication. Me? Protesting? I'd probably just stay home and watch a documentary about protesting. Maybe eat some popcorn. So, yeah, thatās whatās happening. News people in Lithuania arenāt happy, and they're getting ready to... well, to stand up for themselves. Stand up for...news. It's important. I think. I mean, I read the news sometimes... Mostly I just look at the pictures, if I'm being honest.
2025-12-04 20:04
Okay, so, I was reading the news the other day, right? And, you know, I'm trying to stay informed. It's important, apparently. My wife tells me so. Anyway, there was this thing about gas stations. You know, the places you go toā¦ get gas? Pretty self-explanatory. But hereās the thing: this announcement, it was about... well, it was about gas stations, but only certain ones. And the US Treasury Department was involved. Like, the same people who handle our money. I didnāt know they were also in the gas station business. That's a lot of hats. So, apparently, these gas stations, the ones outside ofā¦ well, outside of a certain place known for having a lot of gas... they need special permission to keep operating. From *us*. Iām still trying to figure out exactly how all this works, because usually, you just drive up, put the gas in, and pay. Nobody ever asked me for my credentials or anything before. And that's the announcement. Itās justā¦ they're letting them stay open. It's one of those things where you think: "Shouldn't they *already* be open?" Itās like announcing youāre going to keep serving peanuts at the baseball game. Like... Okay? Thatās what you do. I don't know, maybe itās more complicated than that. Iām guessing it is, because usually when the government's involved, things get complicated. I mean, I still don't fully understand how taxes work. But the gist of it is: Gas stations are still open. At least, some of them are. And the Treasury Departmentā¦ theyāre okay with it. Which, I guess, is a good thing? I'm glad *someone* is keeping an eye on the gas stations. Because, honestly, I just want to fill up my minivan and get back home. Keep things simple, you know? Maybe *too* simple. That's what my wife tells me.
2025-12-04 19:34
Okay, so I saw this news thing, right? It's about... well, you know how sometimes you hear things and youāre not exactly sure what's going on, but you just nod? That was kinda this. So, apparently, Trump sent a couple of guys over to see the, uhā¦the president of...you know the place. The one with all the snow. I think it's called Russia. Yeah, Russia. Anyway, he sent like hisā¦his special delivery guy, Steve, right? And also his son-in-law, Jared, which is already a funny sentence. I mean, "son-in-law." Thatās a whole thing. I'm married, so I get it. They went over there and met with... the guy, Vladimir. And from what I gather, they talked. That's what people do when they meet, I guess. I donāt know what they talked *about*, though. Probably important stuff. Like, āHey, you got snow?ā and āYeah, we got snow.ā Maybe. I just picture them standing there awkwardly drinking tea, you know? Me, I'd spill the tea. Every single time. But the gist of it is, and this is what I *think* is happening, theyāre trying to get along. You know, Russia andā¦us. Which, good! Iām all for people getting along. I mean, I try to get along with my wife. Sometimes it works, sometimes Iām sleeping on the couch. Relationships, you know? So, according to Vladimir, getting everybody to agree on stuff when they're already fighting is hard. Whichā¦yeah. Tell me about it. Trying to decide what to watch on TV at my house is like World War III. But he thinks Trump is really trying to make everyone happy. And I guessā¦that's the story. I feel like I need a nap now. That was a lot. All that talking. Iām more of a napping guy, you know?
2025-12-04 18:34
Alright, so, I saw this thing on the news, and I'm trying to figure it out, you know? Basically, there wasā¦ a situationā¦ down inā¦ well, somewhere else. Far away. (I'm terrible with geography, my wife always makes fun of me.) Apparently, somebodyā¦ and I think it was Israelā¦ theyā¦ did something. Like, a strike. Like bowling. But not with pins, I donāt think. And, uh, the news said five peopleā¦ weren't doing so well after that. They called it "morts," which Iām gonna assume is French for ānot feeling great.ā I don't speak French, but Iām pretty sure thatās what it means. It soundsā¦ fancy sad, you know? Regular sad is just "sad." Anyway, then the army ā the Israeli army ā they said, "Hold on, hold on now. We were aiming at a Hamas fella. And, uh, he was beingā¦ whatās the word?ā¦ combative. Like, he wasn't just sitting around knitting, apparently. They had a littleā¦ disagreement. A disagreement that involvedā¦ not-nice things. Five of their soldiers got a boo-boo in the disagreement, so they retaliated, you know, tit for tat. I don't know all the details. Iām just trying to explain it here. It sounds like a whole mess, though. I try to avoid messes. Thatās why I hire someone to mow the lawn. Otherwise, I just end up tangled in the weed whacker, trying to figure out how it works. I'm not good with stuff like that. So, yeah, five people āmortsā because ofā¦ a disagreement. Seems like a rough way to settle an argument. Maybe they could've justā¦ I don't knowā¦ played Rock, Paper, Scissors? That's how me and my buddy decided who paid for lunch the other day. I lost. Turns out he's REALLY good at Rock, Paper, Scissors. Should have been a professional. Probably could have prevented this whole international incident.
2025-12-04 16:34
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day, and it was talking about... Lebanon. Lebanon. You ever been? I haven't. I just know it'sā¦ over there. Somewhere. Probably has good food. All those places seem to have good food. Anyway, apparently the Israeli army is doing someā¦ uhā¦ flying. A lot of flying. Like, more than usual. I don't know why they just don't drive. It's right there. Seems like a lot of gas money to be flying everywhere. I mean, I complain about gas in my truck. But, the reason they're flying isā¦ well, this group called Hezbollah. Now, I donāt know if Iām saying that right. It might be one of those words where you sound completely ignorant if you mess it up. I probably just did. So, Hezbollah, supposedly they were told to, like, chill out a little bit. They had some kind ofā¦ agreement? A "truce," the news called it. Iām never sure what truces are for. People still fight, right? I mean, just look at Thanksgiving dinner. We call it a truce, but Uncle Jerry is still gonna bring up politics. The army thinks Hezbollah is, and I quote, "re-arming." I looked that up, just to be sure. Basically, they're getting moreā¦ stuff. More of the things you donāt want people to have. Like, I wouldnāt want my kids to have more candy. Itās the same principle, I think. So, because of all this, the Israeli armyās been doing these āstrikes.ā I imagine itās like when my wife tells me to āstrikeā something from the grocery list. Except, I donāt think there are explosions involved when I take off the kale. Though sometimes I wish there were. So, yeah, thatās basically it. Flying, agreements that arenāt really agreements, and people getting more of the stuff theyāre not supposed to have. Itās like a Tuesday at my house.
2025-12-04 16:04
Okay, so I read this thingā¦ about the military. And I'm not a military guy, you know? I mean, I look like I could be, but thatās just the haircut. And maybe the posture. Okay, fine, I look a little military-ish. Anyway, the American Department of Defense, see? They said something toā¦ the reporters. The reporters that are allowed to be *with* them. I didn't even know that was a thing, reporters hanging out with the military. Seems loud. I would think they'd want quiet. But whatever. So, the Defense Department said, "Hey reporters, if you're gonna...you know...report..." And this is where it gets me, because if theyāre reporters, isnāt that what they DO? Report stuff? But apparently, thereās a certain type of reporting they *don't* want you doing. Likeā¦ reportingā¦ secrets? Orā¦ I donāt know. Things they donāt want reported. Which, again, seems reasonable. I get it. You donāt want everyone knowing whatās going on. I have things I donāt want people knowing. Like how long it actually takes me to write these jokes. A LOT longer than you think. So, basically, the Department of Defense was like, "Hey, from now on, if you wanna ask something, make sure we ok it first." And if they *donāt* ok it, you can't report it. Or else they might... what was it? Take away their card! Their "accreditation.ā Which sounds important. Like a VIP pass toā¦ war? It's weird, is all. Basically, theyāre saying, "Hey, be careful what you say, or youāre not allowed to hang out with us anymore." Which, to me, sounds like middle school. "If youāre not gonna play by our rules, you canāt sit with us!" So the military is trying to control what the reporters say. And, honestly, I think the reporters were okay with it. Maybe. I donāt know. Iād be too afraid of getting lost. I have trouble following directions. "Turn left at the tank? Which tank?"
2025-12-04 16:04
Okay, so, I saw this thing about Sweden, right? Sweden's up there, you know, by... Norway? I think Norway. Anyway. They have this politician. And sheās from Sweden, born there, but her parents are Kurdish. Now, I gotta be honest, I don't know a lot about Kurds. I think theyāre fromā¦ somewhere over there? I should probably look that up. But here's the thing that got me. This politician, she's in charge of integration, which I guess is like, helping people fit in, right? Which sounds nice. Like a potluck or something. But *she* wants stricter rules for immigrants. Like, REALLY strict. And I thought, āWell thatāsā¦interesting.ā Because, you know, her parents are immigrants. Itās like if I was in charge of selling ice cream, and I was like, āAlright, no more chocolate! Itās gotta be vanilla from now on, and you gotta prove you deserve the sprinkles.ā You know? It just seemsā¦confusing. And like, 20% of the people in Sweden are from other countries. That's a lot of people! That's like, if I did a show and 20% of the audience was from... I don't know, Nebraska. Which isn't gonna happen. Sorry, Nebraska. But if it did, and I started making fun of people from Nebraska... It just wouldn't be a good look. So, yeah, Sweden. They got a politician who wants to make it harder for immigrants. I just... I donāt understand it. Maybe she has a good reason. Maybe sheās seen some things. But it feels like she should be offering everyone Fika! That is a Swedish tradition isn't it? See, I looked up something!
2025-12-04 15:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing, and it's about... Europe. You know, like the place. And it's about this "College of Europe." I didn't even know there *was* a College of Europe. I thought college was, like, a uniquely American problem with the tuition and the ramen noodles. Anyway, turns out they have colleges over there too. And this one, the College of Europe, apparently they might have been doing thingsā¦wrong. Now, I'm not a big "investigation" guy, right? I get nervous when I see flashing lights. So this whole thing with the "European Public Prosecutor's Office" ā sounds serious, doesn't it? ā is looking into whether someone gave someone else an unfair advantage. Like maybe they said, "Hey, you know what? Let's just give *this* guy a scholarship. He seems nice." Which, honestly, that's how I picked my fantasy football team. So, the Prosecutor's Office, they're looking at "favoritism" and "unfair competition." Sounds like a spelling bee gone wrong. Like, someone brought a secret dictionary. And it involves... two high-ranking officials. I don't know *what* kind of officials, but they're high-ranking. Like, maybe they get to choose the cookies at the meetings? I don't know. The important thing is, the Belgian police ā you know, the guys with the waffles and the chocolate ā they questioned these officials. Which probably involved a lot of polite nodding and maybe some strong coffee. So basically, the College of Europe might have been playing favorites, and now the cops are asking questions. The whole thing just sounds like a headache. I'm glad I went to community college. Way less drama. Plus, the cafeteria had really good tater tots.
2025-12-04 15:04
Okay, so I was reading this thing, and itās aboutā¦ well, I think itās about work. See, I don't *do* work, per se. I tell jokes. Which, according to my wife, *isn't* work. She's got a point, I guess. No heavy lifting involved, just a lot of trying to remember what I was saying. Anyway, this thing I read, it's talking about these old, old rules about jobs, some of them like a hundred years old, right? A hundred years. I can't even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday. How are you supposed to remember rules that are a century old? So, theyāre changing these rules. And from what I gather ā and I'm not a smart guy, you know this ā it sounds like itās easier now to, like, let people go from their jobs. Which seemsā¦ not great? Like, I get nervous leaving a restaurant *without* getting fired. I just hope I gave them enough of a tip, ya know? And theyāre also making it so you can hire people for a set amount of time. Like, āHey, we need you forā¦ three Tuesdays. Good luck finding another job on Wednesday!ā I don't understand how that's going to help anybody. Now, they're also talking about, like, a minimum amount of money that people need to be paid. Which, good, right? I mean, you gotta pay people something. I always wonder about those places that have a tip jar. Are they not paying their employees enough already? But here's the part that I don't understand. So the unions are mad. And from what *I'm* hearing, it seems like it is set up to just benefit the employers. So, basically, they changed the rules about work, it sounds like it's going to be easier to get fired, you might only get a job for a certain amount of time, and the unions are not happy. Soā¦ good luck to everybody that has one of thoseā¦ *job* things. I'll just stick to telling jokes. At least if I bomb, I donāt think Iām ruining anybodyās livelihood, I just might make someone really uncomfortable.
2025-12-04 15:04
Okay, so, I was reading this thing, right? About the American President. Which, you know, is already a story most days. But this one...it's about a video. See, apparently there was this documentary. And they used some clips from one of the President's speeches. But, and this is where it gets confusing for me, they put the clips together in a way thatā¦ wasnāt exactly how he said it. Like, they *edited* it. I donāt know much about video editing, but I guess you can make people say all sorts of things they didn't actually say. My wife tells me I do it all the time, just not on video. Now, the President, he wasn't too happy about this. Which, fair enough, right? I mean, I get mad when someone eats the last donut, I can only imagine what it's like when they mess with your speeches. So, he's suing the people who made the documentary. A British company, apparently. Which is a whole other layer of confusion, because... Britain? Different rules over there. I donāt know. Iāve never been. I think they drive on the other side of the road, which is already too much for me to keep track of. And here's the crazy part. He's suing them for between one *and* five *billion* dollars. Billion! I don't even know how many zeroes that is. I struggle to count the number of donuts Iāve eaten in a week. So, yeah. Basically, the President thinks he was unfairly portrayed in a documentary, and he wants a lot of money for it. Like, more money than I'll ever see in my life. Makes you think about maybe getting into the documentary editing business, but, I don't know... Seems stressful. I'll stick to jokes. Easier to explain when those go wrong.
2025-12-04 14:34
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day, trying to, you know, figure out what's going on in the world. I tell you, it's complicated. Like, REALLY complicated. So, apparently, the President of France... he's in China. Visiting China. Now, I've never been to China. I heard they have a wall. A really, really big wall. I'm not sure why you would need such a big wall... is there a lot of people trying to get out? Anyway, he's there to talk to the President of China. About what? About some "peace plan" that America is working on. A peace plan... I always like the sound of those. Although, I'm not sure how those usually work, because if I have ever had a peace plan, I can tell you it did not go as I had planned. And get this: two guys from the American White House were in Russia. The President's "special envoy," Steve Witkoff, and the President's son-in-law, Jared Kushner. They met with... Vladimir Putin. Right? I mean, that's who you meet in Russia. It seems right. So, I'm wondering what they talk about. Did they bring snacks? Did they get Putin a souvenir? I'm just curious about the details. So, the French guy is in China talking about an American plan while these two guys are in Russia. It's like a global conference call, but in person, and a lot more confusing. I guess they're all trying to figure out how to get along. You know, peace. I applaud the effort. I mean, I'm just trying to get along with my wife on what we are eating for dinner tonight, and that's hard enough, so I can only imagine having to come up with world peace. It sounds complicated. I don't know about you, but I am out of my depth now.
2025-12-04 14:04
Alright, so, I was readingā¦ well, *trying* to readā¦ something about a movie. A documentary, they said. Big one. Like, *big* big. Not like my last trip to the buffet, which was also pretty big, but in a different way. Anyway, this movieās aboutā¦ the Revolutionary War. You know, the one where we told England, āHey, weāre good. We got this now.ā And apparently, the guy who made the movie, heās saying thereās more to it than justā¦ we all wore powdered wigs and shot at each other. Which, I mean, makes sense. Everything's always more complicated than you think it is at first. Like folding a fitted sheet. Looks simple, but it's a disaster. Now, here's the thing that got me. This lady, she's writing about the movie, says some people, someā¦ Republicans, theyāre not too happy about this movie. Theyāre saying it's not the *right* way to look at the war. Which, I don't know, I always thought wars were just bad, period. Iām just saying, it seems like a lot of effort to get upset about history. I mean, it already happened, right? You canāt change it. Unless you have a time machine, which, if you do, maybe use it to go back and stop me from ordering that second plate at the buffet. Because thatās a decision Iām still paying for. But yeah, Revolutionary War movie, complicated, some people mad. Thatās the news. I donāt know, maybe Iāll just stick to watching cartoons. Less stressful. And they usually explain everything pretty well. Like, really well. Especially if itās Scooby Doo.
2025-12-04 13:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, and itās alwaysā¦ something, right? Iām trying to keep up. They're talking about this area, over there. Not here. Over there, you know. And it sounds like things have been a littleā¦loud. Like, not just āsomeone dropped a potā loud, but, you know, the other kind. So, they got this agreement, like a "stop" button. That happened on October 9th, which, by the way, is my anniversary. Not with this situation. With my wife. Whoās probably wondering if I remembered. I did. I think. Anyway, this stop button thing, they're on phase two of it. And I guess Israel is saying some people in this area, it's called the Palestinian Enclave ā sounds like a fancy gated community, but I don't think it is ā might be able to, you know, go to Egypt. Justā¦ leave. āIn the next few daysā they said. Which is always helpful. āFew days.ā Could be two, could be a hundred. I donāt know! But hereās the thing, Egypt is saying, "Hold on a second. If people are *leaving*, they also gotta be able to come *back*." Which makes sense, right? You don't want to just leave someone stranded in Egypt. I mean, Egypt is probably fine. I haven't been. I'm sure it's nice. But you know, people have homes. And then, Israel says, "Okay, maybe. But first, we need thisā¦ body." Like, a dead person. An Israeli hostage. Apparently they need to get him back. Which, I get it. You want to bring everyone home. Alive orā¦not. So basically, everyone's talking, but nobody's really agreeing. Itās like a negotiation, but with a lot moreā¦stuff. Like, big stuff. Iām just trying to figure it out, and honestly, Iām not sure I even explained it right. I'm a comedian, notā¦ whatever job explains that. And if you understood all that, you're smarter than me. Which, let's be honest, isnāt that hard.
2025-12-04 11:34
Alright, so I heard about this thing. Russia's president...you know, the guy... he's going to India. I guess that's happening. First time he's been there since, well, everything started happening. You know, over there. Since February 2022. And apparently, it's going to be a pretty big deal. Like, fancy. I don't know why they have to make it fancy. I mean, are fancy meetings more effective? You'd think they'd just sit in a room and talk. Maybe bring some snacks. Thatās what I like to do when I meet someone, it makes the whole thing a lot more easier to swallow ! But no, this is "fastueuse," which I only know because I looked it up. It meansā¦ fancy. Very fancy. Apparently, they both have... stuff that they want from each other. Like economic stuff. Money stuff. See, I'm not an economist, so the whole thing is a little confusing to me. I hear "economics" and I think, "Oh, I hope I don't have to do math." So basically, big meeting, Russia, India, fancy everything, and hopefully no math involved. That's about all I got. Maybe they'll trade for some spices. I like spices. Adds a little something to my burgers. You know, if they ask my opinion. Which they won't.
2025-12-04 11:34
Alright, so I saw this thing in the news, right? And, you know, I try to keep up, but sometimes it's... it's a lot. So, apparently, these American diplomats are talking about their, uh, "best negotiator ever." Thatās what they said. Which is great. Good for that person. I'm happy for them. I hope they celebrated. Maybe went out for ice cream? You gotta celebrate, right? But here's the part that got me. This place, this institute that's saying this about the negotiator, it was created in, like, 1984. Which, okay, I remember '84. Leg warmers. Big hair. The good old days. But THENā¦ then I read that the president tried to, you know, *get rid* of this institute, like, not too long ago. Completely dismantle it. Clean house! Fired, like, everybody. The *leaders* of the place. He was not a fan. So, Iām sitting there, thinking, "Wait, wait, wait." Let me get this straight. This same place that somebody wanted to get rid of completely is now praising someone to the high heavens. It's like when my wife, Natalie, makes me clean the garage, right? And I do it, reluctantly, complaining the whole time. And then later, she's like, "Wow, you did a *great* job. You're such a good garage cleaner." I'm thinking, "You just made me do it! And you doubted I would do a good job! Now you praise me? Did I do a good job or not?" So yeah, this story...it's like that. I'm not sure what's going on. Itās a mixed message, to say the least. You know? Maybe they changed their minds? Maybe the negotiator brought them a really good donut? I don't know. I just read the news. I don't *understand* it. Itās a lot. I stick to math because I can solve the problems!
2025-12-04 11:04
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day, right? Trying to stay informed. Turns out, they got thisā¦ thingā¦ over inā¦ Europe. They call it a āpackage.ā I donāt know why they gotta call it a package. Makes me think someone's getting a delivery. Maybe it's a surprise birthday gift for the stock market or something. Anyway, this āpackageā is all about, like, making theā¦ capital marketsā¦ get along better. Capital markets, thatās just a fancy way of sayingā¦ money stuff. Like, where they buy and sellā¦ things. Stocks andā¦ bonds? Iām not entirely sure what a bond is, but I think itās like a really slow-motion lottery ticket. So, they want all these different countries to play nice with their money. Which, you know, makes sense. Hard to imagine countries arguing over money, though. "Mine! No, *mine*!" I mean, they probably yell it in a fancy language, but still. And theyāre giving thisā¦ ESMAā¦ I think it's ESMA, I saw that written somewhere, more power. ESMA sounds like someone youād meet at a yoga retreat. But this ESMA, theyāre in charge of making sure everyone behaves with the money. Which I guess is a good job to have. Sounds pretty important. I donāt know. I just read it. Seemed likeā¦ regulations. You know. Rules. Just like when my wife says, āYou canāt eat all the pizza in one sitting.ā Rules. We gotta have āem, I guess. Even withā¦ ācapital markets.ā I wonder if they have a pizza rule in the āpackage.ā That would be a good rule. Just saying.
2025-12-04 10:34
Alright, soā¦ France. President of France went to China. Thatās a long flight, right? Iām assuming. I havenāt been to China. Seems far. I *think* itās far. You gotta get on an airplane for a while. Anyway, heās in China. For, uh... negotiations. With the Chinese. About a peace plan. Now, I don't know what peace plan *this* is, specifically. There's a lot of those going around, aren't there? I get them confused. You ever feel that way? Like, there are just too many things happening? That's how I feel about peace plans. And then get this, at the *same* time, this guy... a special guy, works for the White House, and... the *son-in-law* of the Presidentā¦ they went to Russia. To meet Putin. On Tuesday. So, you got the French President in China, talkin' about... something... and these two guys are in Russia... talkin' to *that* guy. It's a lot of traveling. I'm tired just *thinking* about it. I donāt know *what* theyāre all talking about, really. Iām sure itās very important. Very āworld peaceā and all that. Theyāre probably wearing suits. Suits always make it sound more important. I wore a suit once... to a wedding. I spilled spaghetti on it. Didnāt look as important after that. So yeah, France's in China, America's in Russia, and I'm over here... trying to figure out if I need to put gas in the car before I take the kids to soccer practice. Priorities, you know?
2025-12-04 10:04
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, trying to understand what's going on in the world, which, you know, is always a challenge. It's like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions. You just hope you end up with *something* functional. Anyway, there was this story about... okay, here we go. It was about the Secretary of Defense, the guy in charge of, like, all the defense-y stuff. Apparently, he was using this messaging app called "Signal." Which, I'm assuming, is more secure than just texting? Because I still struggle with the difference between "reply" and "reply all" on emails. I once accidentally sent my grocery list to my entire neighborhood. They all knew I was out of milk and needed more paper towels. Mortifying. So, the Secretary of Defense, he's using Signal, and he's talking about someā¦ well, some āfrappes.ā Now, at first, I thought he was talking about coffee drinks. You know, "Yeah, let's do a frappe in Yemen, sounds good." Which, I guess, is a meeting place now? I don't know. Things are changing. But *apparently*, these āfrappesā wereā¦ not coffee. They were, uhā¦ they involved, well, actions. In Yemen. Serious actions. And he was sharing information about them on this app. And then, this gets even better, somebody *else* got a hold of these messages. Like, a magazine. *The Atlantic*, I think. Which, I've never actually *read* *The Atlantic*. I just see it at the airport and think, "Wow, those articles look long." So now you've got the Secretary of Defense, talking about serious stuff on an app, and then *The Atlantic* knows about it. And there was some independent group, like a bunch of detectives in khakis, they investigated the whole thing and said, "Yeah, maybe shouldn't put that information on the 'Signal'." And that's about it. It's a lot. I think I need a coffee... or maybe a non-Yemen frappe.
2025-12-04 09:34
You know, I was reading about this thing with the United Nations the other day, and I'm not gonna lie, it's got me a little confused. So, there's this expert on humanitarian stuff, Tatiana Svorou, and she's writing about how the UN's Security Council came up with a peace plan for this one area, but here's the thing: they didn't really ask the people who live there what they think. (pauses) Which, you know, seems like a pretty big oversight. It's like me trying to plan a surprise party for my wife without asking her what she wants. I mean, I'd probably end up with a bunch of stuff she doesn't like, and then she'd just be surprised at how bad I am at planning parties. (chuckles) Anyway, Tatiana's point is that the UN is supposed to be all about protecting people's right to self-determination, which is just a fancy way of saying "letting people make their own decisions." But in this case, it seems like they're not really doing that. It's like, imagine if someone came into your house and said, "Hey, I've decided you're gonna have pizza for dinner, and you're gonna wear this hat, and you're gonna watch this movie." You'd be like, "Uh, I don't think so." (laughs) I don't know, maybe I'm just not understanding how international politics works, but it seems like a pretty simple idea: if you're gonna make a plan for someone, you should probably ask them what they think first. But hey, what do I know? I can barely plan a trip to the grocery store without getting lost. (laughs)
2025-12-04 08:04
Okay, okay, so I'm reading this thing, right? About these two leaders, and they're meeting in, uh... well, itās a place thatās kinda far away. Real far. Like, across-the-ocean far. And they're talking about this war, the one that's, you know, happening. Everybodyās talking about it. Makes me nervous, honestly. I donāt even like conflict at a buffet, much lessā¦ *that*. Anyway, so this one guy, the, uh... Head Guy, let's call him that. He looks at the other guy, the *other* Head Guy, and he says, and I'm paraphrasing here, because I donāt know what language they were even speaking, but he basically says, "Hey, letās maybeā¦ get over it?" Thatās what he said! āLet's maybe get over our disagreements." Thatās diplomacy, right? Seems pretty straightforward to me. Like when youāre playing Monopoly and your brother lands on Boardwalk for the third time in a row, and you just say, āYou know what? Letās justā¦ get over it. This gameās gone on long enough." Except, you know, withā¦ a war. I don't know, maybe it works. Maybe that's the secret. Just tell everybody to chill out. Iāve tried that with my family at Thanksgiving; results may vary. Usually ends with my Uncle Carl talking aboutā¦ well, we wonāt go there. Heāsā¦ intense. But these world leaders, theyāre probably better at it than I am. I'm just saying āLet's get over itā to my wife when she asks me where I put the remote, and I have *no* idea. I tell you what, I lose that remote more than they have disagreements. Itās a real crisis in our house.
2025-12-04 07:34
Okay, so I saw this thing in the news, right? And I'm trying to keep up with current events, you know, be a responsible citizen. It said something about theā¦ Israeliā¦ army. Now, Iām not great with geography, Iām gonna be honest with you. I know they're over *there* somewhere. And they said they found thisā¦ this guy. His name wasā¦Sudthisak. Sudthisak Rinthalak. Try saying that three times fast. See, now Iām thinking about how hard it would be to spell that. Thatās a Scrabble nightmare, I tell you. Youād need, like, two blank tiles and a foreign language dictionary. Which, I don't have, by the way. I can barely spell "cat" sometimes. Anyway, Sudthisak... he was a farm worker. Fromā¦Thailand. Okay, now *I* know where Thailand is. Mostly. I think. They said he was killed in thisā¦ attackā¦ back in October. A while back. And, here's the thing I donāt understand. They *just* found him? Seven months later? Did heā¦ did he wander off? It doesnāt say, but the whole thing just seems strange to me. So apparently, there was thisā¦ well, I guess it was bad, if you could imagine a group of Thai farmworkers getting involved. Heās gone, and they just figured it out now? I feel bad for him, and I guess itās good to know, but it seems like somebody was sleeping on the job, there. And, get this, the article says that now there's only *one* body left in Gaza. Just one! So, Iām sitting there, trying to figure this out. Like, is that good? Is that bad? I feel like one is still too many, but I guess itās better than a bunch. I don't know. Iām just trying to keep up. But the way they worded itā¦ it just sounds soā¦ clinical, you know? Like they're keeping score. "Okay, just one body left! We're almost there!" That'sā¦ a little weird, right? I'm just trying to understand what is going on over *there*, but I might just go back to watching my kids do their homework; at least I know what they're up to.
2025-12-04 06:34
You know, I was reading about the news the other day, and I saw that the head of state is visiting Beijing. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's a long way to go for a meeting. I mean, I've been to meetings in the next room, and that's exhausting. (chuckles) So, this head of state is over in Beijing, and he's talking to President Xi Jinping. I'm trying to imagine what that conversation is like. "Hey, how's it going? Nice suit. Oh, you're trying to negotiate a peace plan? Yeah, I've been trying to negotiate with my wife to watch the game on Sunday, and that's not going well." (laughs) But seriously, there are some other guys involved in this too. There's Steve Witkoff, who's some kind of special envoy from the White House. And then there's Jared Kushner, who's... well, he's the president's son-in-law, which is a pretty sweet gig, if you ask me. I mean, I'm just trying to get my son-in-law to help me move a couch, and he's not returning my calls. (laughs) So, Steve and Jared, they're over in Russia, talking to Vladimir Putin. I'm not sure what they're discussing, but I hope they're not trying to negotiate a trade deal for pizza. Because, let's be real, Putin is not going to give up his sausage toppings without a fight. (chuckles) I don't know, maybe I'm just not cut out for international diplomacy. I can barely negotiate with my neighbor to borrow some sugar. "Hey, can I borrow some sugar?" "No, you can't have any sugar." "But I promised my wife I'd make cookies!" "Sorry, buddy, you're out of luck." (laughs) That's about the level of my diplomatic skills.
2025-12-04 06:04
Alright, so, I was reading this thing the other day, you know, about farming. And I'm not a farmer, obviously. My knowledge of agriculture basically stops at "corn on the cob is good." But this was about, like, fancy farming. See, they're talking about these new, uh, whatchamacallitsā¦ GMOs. Except, apparently, these are *different* GMOs. Like, theyāre trying to change the plant, you know, make it better or something. I guess. But hereās the thing I don't understand. Theyāre changing the plantā¦ but without adding anything *to* the plant. That's what I read. So they're basically just... whispering to it? Like, "Hey, you, be a better plant now." I don't know. Seems like it'd be easier to just water it more. That's what I do. Anyway, so the big farmers, the ones with theā¦ combines, I think they're called? They want to use this stuff. Because, you know, probably makes more corn. Corn is good. But then you got these other farmers, the ones who are like, super intoā¦ natural stuff. Like, the opposite of putting stuff *in* the plants. They're like, "No way, man! This is unnatural! It's messing with the earth!" Which, I get it. You don't want to mess with the earth. Itās where we live, you know? I try not to mess with my yard, either. Just mow it, mostly. So, you got one group saying "Yeah!" and another group saying "No!" about whispering to plants to make them better. And me, Iām just sitting here wondering if this means the corn on the cob is gonna taste different. Because if it doesā¦ I might have to get involved. You know, as a concerned citizen. Of corn.
2025-12-04 04:34
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day... I try to, you know, stay informed. It's a struggle. It's like, I'm already barely keeping up with what my kids are doing, let alone international politics. But anyway, this thing happened in... uh... a country. Letās just call it āVaguistan.ā Sounds about right, right? Vaguistan. So, in Vaguistan, there's this guy. Apparently, he's a big shot, even though he runs a small political party. Small party! I don't even know how that works. It's like having a tiny parade. How many people are *in* the parade? Three? And get this, this guy, let's call him...Peabody...Mr. Peabody...He's getting in trouble with... America. I guess we told him to knock it off. Now, America's mad at him because apparently, he's pulling all the strings in Vaguistan. Pulling strings! Like he's a puppet master? Is this guy running a country or a Punch and Judy show? I just picture him backstage with a bunch of puppets, sipping tea. Real powerful stuff. And apparently, Vaguistan is having trouble withā¦ well, they said ācorruption.ā I don't even know what that means, I'm just a comedian. I think it meansā¦ bad stuff is happening? And then the real kicker... Vaguistan wants to use the Euro, you know, the money they use in Europe. They want to join something in like, a year and a half. And the people who *aren't* in power are mad and want to be, so they're yelling about Mr. Peabody. I guess it's *his* fault Vaguistan's having a hard time. So, to recap: small political party, puppets, potential money problems, and lots of yelling. It's like Thanksgiving at my in-laws' house, but with more complicated geopolitics. I think I'll just stick to talking about chipotles. It's much easier. And spicier.
2025-12-04 04:04
Alright, so I was reading this thing, and itās aboutā¦ Buenos Aires. You know, in Argentina? South America? I had to look it up again. I always forget where it is. For a while there, I thought it was in Europe. Donāt know why. Anywayā¦ So, Buenos Aires, right? They had thisā¦ thing. A whole week of it. Iām not sure what they usually do in Buenos Aires, but this week was dedicated toā¦ well, it's a little personal. It's a procedureā¦ for fellas. A procedure that, you knowā¦ makes it so you canātā¦ produce any more little versions of yourself. Now, Iām not a doctor. I barely passed biology. I spent most of that class trying to figure out how they got those frogs to stay so still during dissection. Never did figure it out. But from what I gather, itās not brain surgery. Itāsā¦ simpler. The funny thing is, they made a whole campaign about it. A week-long campaign. Like, "Hey fellas, come on down! Get snipped! It's a party!" I donāt know if they had balloons. Probably not. Maybe little trophies? "I got snipped in Buenos Aires!" I'm just spitballing here. I'm just thinking about the planning meetings for this thing. I picture a bunch of people in a room, and one guy saying, "Alright, how do we get guys to line up for this?" And another guy goes, "Free t-shirts?" And a third guy says, "Nachos?" Just trying to sweeten the deal, I guess. I just don't know how much convincing I'd need... It seems like a decision you make with yourā¦ your partner, your family, you know? Itās not like, "Free oil change with everyā¦ snip!" I guess they felt like they needed to raise awareness, though. Apparently, Buenos Aires was the place to be in Novemberā¦ if you were considering making sure you weren't adding any more members to the family. I donāt know. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe they had a petting zoo there. I love petting zoos.
2025-12-04 03:04
Okay, so I saw this thing in the news, and Iām trying to understand it, butā¦ you know me. Sometimes it takes a minute. Basically, the President, right? He changed some rules. Now, these were rules that the *other* President ā Biden ā had put in place. I think they had to do with, like, carsā¦ andā¦ stuff. Probably important stuff. Now, the way I understand it, Biden's rules were trying to make cars moreā¦ green, I guess? Like, environmentally friendly. Lessā¦ poof. You know, the smoke-y stuff? And apparently, it was kinda hard for the car companies to do. And now, this new Presidentā¦ heās like, āAlright, alright, relax, car companies. No more new rulesā. And you know what? The car companies are *pumped*. Theyāre high-fiving each other, probably. I picture them all eating pizza in a conference room, celebrating. But then, you got the people who are really into the environment, theā¦ what do you call āem? Environmentalists? Theyāre not happy. Not one bit. Theyāre saying this is aā¦ uhā¦ *regression*? I think thatās the word. Like, going backwards. They're saying it's gonna make things worse with theā¦ you knowā¦ the warming of the globe. The hot. So, you got the car guys happy, and the environment people not happy. Itās always somethinā, right? Honestly, I donāt know which side to be on. I drive a car, soā¦ yay cars? But also, I like air. And, uh, not sweating all the time. Itās tough. I just wish everyone could agree, you know? Like, maybe car companies could plant some trees after they build the cars or something? I donāt know. Iām not a smart man. Iām justā¦ Iām here telling jokes.
2025-12-04 01:34
Okay, so I heard about thisā¦ situation. There's this guy, I don't know him personally, but I guess he writes for someā¦ magazines, maybe? Magazines about, you know, *things*. Apparently, he wrote some stuff and they were like, "Woah, buddy, that'sā¦ not good." See, I'm never sure how to phrase this stuff. It's like, you can't just *say* things, you know? Especially not, uhā¦ *those* things. So, he gets in trouble. Seven years, they said. Seven years is a *long* time. I canāt even commit to brushing my teeth for seven years. So, he gets sentenced. And then, somebodyā¦ who I think is important, I donāt know exactly *how* important, but important enough to do stuffā¦ they gave him aā¦ pardon. A pardon. Thatās like a āget out of jail freeā card, right? I don't know why they are called "get out of jail *free*" cards, why would you pay for going to jail in the first place? So everyoneās thinking, āOkay, great! Heās free!ā Like, balloons and confetti, maybe? I don't know their culture. But now everyone is thinking, "he's out", so I am sure it's good for him. But, like, is he free? I don't know. That's the whole thing, isn't it? Sometimes you get a pardon and you're still... well, not *unpardoned*, but youāre still in jail. It's like when you pay your bills but forget to mail them, and then you get mad at the company, but really you're mad at yourself, but you still call and yell at the company. It's just... confusing. I don't even know what he wrote that got him into trouble in the first place, I just know the guyās in jail, got pardoned, and *might* still be in jail. Which sounds about right for my understanding of most news these days. You know? Confusing.
2025-12-04 01:04
Alright, so, I was reading this thing, and it's about... you know, that actor from "Friends." Good show. You guys watched "Friends," right? Yeah, everybody watched "Friends." Anyway, he, uh... well, you know. Passed away. And this doctor, Salvador... Salvador Plasencia, I think? I'm terrible with names. My wife, she remembers everything. I just nod. It works. Anyway, this doctor, they were saying at first, maybe *he* gave him the stuff that, you know... caused the whole problem. The, uh... you know, the sleep-forever medicine. But then, it turns out, no. He *didn't* give it to him. Which is... good? I guess? Less bad? I don't know. It's still... not good. Turns out, he *sold* him the stuff. Like, a bunch of it. Twenty bottles, they said. Twenty! I don't even know what that means! Like, is that a lot? It sounds like a lot. I buy, like, one bottle of ibuprofen a year. Twenty bottles of anything sounds excessive. Except maybe water. I'm thirsty all the time. So, he didn't *give* it to him, he *sold* it to him. I don't know. I'm not a lawyer, obviously. I tell jokes. The law seems complicated. But selling someone a whole bunch of... the stuff... doesn't seem like the *best* move. You know? Like, Iām trying to picture this doctor. Heās got twenty bottles ofā¦stuff, and he's like, "You know what? Iām gonna sell all of this to the guy from 'Friends.'" Not "I'm going to help a guy who is struggling", just "I'm selling this guy the whole lot". That's not a good plan. You gotta wonder about the decision making here, you know? Just seems like one of those situations where maybe someone should have said, "Hey, Doctor, maybe let's just hold on to, like, nineteen of those bottles." Just a thought. I'm just saying. That's the whole story. Or at least, that's what I think the story is. I might have missed something. Happens a lot.
2025-12-04 01:04
Alright, so I heard this thing on the news, and I gotta tell you, I donāt completely understand it, but Iāll try my best. So, in Louisiana, the, uh, āsecurity peopleā ā I guess that's the police - they started rounding up people who, uh, donāt have their papers. You know, like, not their grocery lists, but their *other* papers. And itās the kind of thing where you go, āOkayā¦ I get it. Enforcement.ā But then they said the *National Guard* is coming to help in about two weeks. Now, Iām not a math genius or anything, but two weeks seems like a long time. If theyāre serious about this, shouldn't the National Guard show up, like, *now*? Or, you know, at least tomorrow? I mean, what are they doing in the meantime? Polishing their helmets? Practicing marching? "Left, right... you might be needed in two weeks. Keep your strength up!" And the ICE people, they're like, "Yeah, we could use a little help." It's like they're painting a house and they're like "Ah gee, I wish I had a buddy to help me out." Iām just saying, two weeks seems like a really long time to wait to start helping someone. I can't even plan what I'm gonna have for lunch tomorrow.
2025-12-04 00:34
Alright, so Germany... Germany has a new thing. It's a missile thing. Not like, a *missile*, missile. It's more like... a missile *shield*. Which, I gotta be honest, I didn't know was a thing. Like, I thought shields were for, you know, knights. Big wooden ones. Maybe metal. But apparently, we've moved on to missile shields. Long-range missile shields. You gotta have long-range, I guess. Short range? What's the point? "Oh, that missile's gonna hit... like, *right* here!" Not good. Now, this thing... it's called "Arrow." Which, okay, points for branding, I guess. Easy to remember. But an arrow stopping a missile? That sounds like a David and Goliath situation, and last time I checked, David had some divine intervention. This thing just runs onā¦ German engineering. Which, you know, is good. They build good cars. I hope they can do the missile shield thing too. And here's the weird part, they're using this to help protect againstā¦ Russia. Now, I'm not a military guy, but it sounds like a tense situation. I'm pretty sure that's why they're going for the whole Arrow thing. And this is the first time they've used this thing... outside of... you know, that one place. Which, why wasn't it *always* outside of there? Seems like a really helpful thing to just... *have* around. Like, you got a good umbrella, you take it with you. You don't just leave it in one spot. So, yeah. Germany has a missile shield. It's called "Arrow." And hopefully, it works. Because... well, let's just say I'm not volunteering to stand in front of a missile to test it out. I'm good, thanks. I'll just be over here, hoping the German engineers knew what they were doing. They *usually* do. Usually.
2025-12-03 21:04
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day. I try to stay informed, you know? Makes you feel like you know whatās going on, even though you donāt, really. Anyway, there's this group, and they, uh, they weren't too happy about something. I donāt know *exactly* what they do, but they seemed pretty organized, like a PTA but maybe for adults making... stuff. You know, grown-up stuff. So, they had this problem with these extra fees, these "surtaxes" on their stuff. Now, I don't know much about taxes, I still have trouble figuring out if I'm supposed to tip at those coffee places where you order on a screen. What IS that? Anyway, these surtaxes sounded like they were more than just a coffee tip situation. They thought they were getting charged too much for bringing their stuff into America. And I get it, America's expensive. Everything costs extra. Parking. Movie theater popcorn. Breathing, probably. So, they did what anyone would do when they're not happy: They went to court. A ātribunal de commerce internationalā... I have no idea what that means but it sounds important. Like, you have to wear a suit. And probably know things. Which I donāt. So they filed this... what do you call it... a complaint? It was like, "Hey! We're pretty sure you guys messed up here. We think we paid too much." And the funny part is, they want their money back! That's like asking for a refund on a bad haircut. They never give you the money back. You just have to wear a hat for a month. So basically, this group is in a court battle with the, uh, the tax guys, because they think they paid too much, and they want a refund. I don't know if they'll get it. I have a better chance of figuring out the coffee tipping thing.
2025-12-03 19:04
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day, and you know how it is, right? Just trying to figure out what's going on. And this story, it's about, umā¦ bodies. Yeah, bodies. So, apparently, there was thisā¦ agreement, this ceasefire thing. And part of the agreement was that Hamas, and their friends, were gonna give back someā¦ people. They called them "hostages," which, you know, isnāt a great situation to be in. They were supposed to give back 28 people, that's the number, but at the end of the day only 26 came back. It's a tough situation to deal with, but they are not even all there physically, so they have to call in some specialists. Now, here's where it gets a little confusing. They have toā¦ figure out who these people *are*. Whichā¦ I don't know, I thought you'd kinda know. Like, "Hey, that's Bob! We missed him!" But no, they're saying they need an autopsy. Which, I guess, thatās how you do it? I always thought autopsies were forā¦ well, figuring out *how* someoneā¦ you know. Not *who* they are. I mean, I'm not a doctor. I barely passed science in high school. Remember dissecting the frog? I spent the whole time trying to name him. I was thinking "Ribbit Downey Jr" or something. It was a whole thing. But anyway, back to the bodies. They need to do this autopsy thing to figure out who is who, which seemsā¦ intense. Iām not sure I'd want to be the guy whose job is to figure that out. I'd probably get them all mixed up. Like, "Yup, this is definitely... Steve! Wait, did Steve have a tattoo of a dolphin? I can't remember." So, yeah. That's the news. They're giving back bodies, but they don't know who they are, so they're gonna cut 'em open. I don't know. It's a complicated world, isn't it? I think I'm gonna go watch some TV. Something lighter. Maybe a frog documentary. Just kidding! I don't want to see anymore frogs... It was enough in high school.
2025-12-03 18:34
Alright, so I heard about this thing happening over... well, not here. Somewhere with... a border. You know, those lines on the map? Turns out, people get pretty serious about those lines. So, thereās this place called... Let's just call it Place A and Place B, right? And they're not exactly, you know, sending each other Christmas cards. A few years back, they had some... disagreements. Letās leave it at that. So, after the disagreements, they had this "cease-fire," which is just a fancy way of saying, "Okay, everybody calm down." But how do you make sure everyone *stays* calm? That's where the meeting comes in. So Place A and Place B, they send some people ā civilians, which I always find interesting, because you'd think theyād send like, the *most* important generals or something. But, no, civilians are going to these meetings. I'm sure theyāre very nice people, but it's just seems so odd. They meet at this other place, called Naqoura or something. It's got, like, a giant UN office right there. You know, the UN, the place with all the countries. I always wonder how they understand each other in those meetings. Anyway, these officials, they're all there, trying to figure out how to keep everyone from... not being calm. They're talking about the āmechanism for monitoring the ceasefire.ā And you can already tell it's important, because they donāt just say, āLetās all promise not to start any more disagreements.ā Nope. A mechanism. Which makes it sound like there's a giant machine involved. Which, you know, there could be. I donāt know. The storyās about officials from Place A and Place B meeting at the UN office near their border, trying to figure out how to watch that the "cease-fire" is still in effect. I feel like it would be so easy to just say āHey, letās not fight, okay?ā, but they made it so much more complicated. I donāt know. I guess thatās why *theyāre* the officials and *Iām* just standing here, talking about it to you people. Which, honestly, seems just as confusing, when you think about it.
2025-12-03 18:04
Alright, so, I was reading the news, right? Trying to keep up, you know? It's hard. So, apparently, there's this thing happening in Europe. Theyāre trying to figure out how to pay for some repairs. I donāt know *what* repairs. Maybe theyāve got a really big fixer-upper? You know, like when you buy a house and you think, āOh, it just needs paint!ā Then you find out the foundation is, like, *gone*. Just dirt. Could be that. Anyway, so the smart folks ā these are European Commission people, so you *know* theyāre smart because they're a commission...and they live in Europe ā theyāre thinking about using money thatās kind of just sitting there. Like, there's this Russian bankās money that's kinda just hangin' around the European banks and they're saying, āHey, maybe we could borrow that? Like a little loan for these repairs?ā Now, I donāt know much about international finance, but I do know if I borrowed money from someone, and then they borrowed *my* moneyā¦ Iād be confused. Iād probably just end up owing them money. I donāt know why. Iām just bad at that. But *that's* not even the weirdest part. The *other* idea they had was for everyone in Europe to justā¦ share the debt. Like, a big group project, except nobody gets a good grade. Theyād guarantee it with the whole European budget. Which, I'm assuming, is a *lot* of Euros. And then, of course, there are two countries, Belgium and Hungary, and they're just like, "Nah, we're good." And I get it. I mean, Iām bad enough with *my* finances. I can't imagine being responsible for a whole country's debt. That's like trying to teach my daughter algebra. It just... isn't gonna happen. So, they're gonna talk about it all at a meeting on December 18th and 19th. I donāt know whatās gonna happen. Iām guessing theyāll probably justā¦ talk more. Thatās usually how those things go, right? Just a lot of talking. Which, I guess, is what Iām doing right now too. But at least *I'm* not trying to figure out international finance. Although, now that I think about it, maybe *that* would be easier...
2025-12-03 18:04
Okay, okay, so I was reading this thing, right? It was aboutā¦ South Korea, I think. (Pauses, looks blankly at the audience). Iām pretty sure it was South Korea. Iām terrible with geography. My wife, Natalie, sheās really good with it. She can point out, like, Uzbekistan. I just nod. "Yeah, yeah, Uzbekistan. Makes sense." So anyway, thereās this guy, Lee Jae-myung. Sounds like a type of peanut butter, doesnāt it? āLee Jae-myung, creamy or chunky?ā I donāt know if Iām pronouncing it right, but thatās how Iām saying it. So, apparently, the president before *him*ā¦ letās call him President Yoon Suk Yeol, because thatās his name, I guessā¦ he, uhā¦ he did this thing. Martial law. Right? Declared it. But only for a *little* bit. Like, a quick martial law. Thatās what I donāt get. How do you have a *quick* martial law? Is it like express lane martial law? You just show your āmartial law preferredā card and get through faster? I picture them yelling, "NEXT! Martial Law! Who's got martial law!?" So this Lee Jae-myung guy, heās thinking he should apologize. Not for anything *he* did, but for what the *other* guy did. See, this is where I get lost. I can barely apologize for the things *I* do. I walked into a glass door yesterday. *I* should apologize to *the door*. But apologizing for someone *else* declaring quick martial law? Thatās a whole other level of responsibility. He must be a really nice guy. Like, if my kid breaks a lamp at a friend's house, *I* have to apologize. But I didn't break the lamp. So the whole thing isā¦ the current president is considering apologizing for a brief moment of martial law declared by the previous president. Itās like a wholeā¦ *thing*. You know? I don't even know where the lamp broke. I just know that Lee Jae-myung is like a creamy peanut butter.
2025-12-03 17:34
Okay, so I'm reading this thing, and it's talking about some stuff that happened way over... somewhere. Like, far away. Morocco. Yeah, Morocco. I always get that mixed up with... well, a lot of places, honestly. Anyway, so it says between September 30th and October 1st, 2025 - so future, I guess? - there were these youth protests going on. I don't know what they were protesting. Probably something I don't understand. Iām good at the whole ānot understandingā thing. That's pretty much my brand at this point. But the thing is, it wasn't just, you know, kids holding signs. This got...rough. It says two guys were seriously hurt. Like, "hospital" hurt. Which is never good. And then, get this, three other people died. *Died.* Over a protest. That's a lot. I mean, I get frustrated at restaurants when they get my order wrong, but I don't, you know... Anyway. And then the article, or whatever this thing is, it starts questioning whether the police, or security forces, used too much force. Like, were they being too aggressive? Now, I'm not a security expert. I have trouble getting my own kids to be quiet in the library, so I'm probably not the best person to weigh in on crowd control. But if people are dying, you gotta at least look into that, right? Thatās my understanding. So this article is taking a āvisual investigationā and wondering if law enforcement went a little too far. And that's kind of the whole thing. It's a lot to take in. I'm gonna need a nap. Maybe a sandwich. Ham and cheese. Nothing too controversial. Just trying to understand whatās going on in the world. Turns out, it can be complicated.
2025-12-03 17:04
You know, I was thinking, have you ever noticed how we always talk about islands like they're just, like, chill places to be? (pauses) "Oh, I'm gonna go to the island, gonna relax, gonna soak up some sun..." (in a deadpan tone) Yeah, unless you're on an island with 9.7 million people, and the power keeps going out. (chuckles) That's like my apartment complex, but instead of just me and my neighbor, Larry, it's 9.7 million people. (laughs) So, I was reading about this island, and apparently, they've had five of these... (pauses, searching for the right words) "general electrical outages" ā that's what I'm gonna call 'em ā since the end of 2024. Some of 'em lasted for days, which is just... (shrugs) you know, fun. I mean, I've had my power go out for a few hours, and I'm like, "What am I gonna do? I've got a frozen pizza that's not gonna cook itself!" (audience laughs) But days? That's a whole different story. I guess you just... (pauses, thinking) I don't know, play board games or something? (laughs) And can you imagine being in charge of, like, fixing the power for 9.7 million people? (in a mock-serious tone) "Okay, Bob, we need you to fix the power... for everyone." (laughs) I'm pretty sure I'd just be like, "Uh, I'm gonna go get a snack, and then I'll get right on that." (audience laughs)
2025-12-03 16:34
Okay, so, I was reading the news the other day. I try to keep up, you know? For my wife. She likes that. I donāt always know whatās going on though. Anyway, there's this situation happening, overseas, I think. They were saying, and I'm paraphrasing here, because I don't really know the words... they said there were 201... things happening. In the last, like, 24 hours. 201. I don't even do that many things in a year. And apparently, a lot of these "things" were happening in a place... Pokrovsk? I think that's how you say it. Pokrovsk. Sounds like something you put on a potato. Anyway, one side - letās call them Side A, just to keep it simple because I don't want to mess up the names - Side A said they took Pokrovsk. Like, "We got it! We own it now!" You know, like when I finally get the last parking spot at Target. Feels like a win. But then, Side B ā and again, I'm just trying to keep track of who's who here - Side B was like, "No, you didn't! We still got it! Youāre lying!" Which, you know, sometimes people lie. Iāve been lied to. Just last week, my son told me he cleaned his room. Didn't happen. So basically, it's a big misunderstanding over who owns a potato topping... I mean, Pokrovsk. And I'm sitting here, just trying to figure out what to have for dinner. Makes you think, doesn't it? 201... things. That's a lot of things. I need a nap.
2025-12-03 15:34
Alright, alright, so I was reading the news the other day, trying to keep up, you know? Seems like... well, it's about another country, over there somewhere... and they're having a little bit of a situation. So, basically, this country... they had, uh... a change in management. A *big* change. Like, the guy in charge... heās not in charge anymore. We'll call him Bob. Now, after Bob left, the health care system in this place... it wasnāt great to begin with, letās be honest. But after Bob went, it... uh... it needed some help. Like, a lot of help. Like, "call a doctor" kind of help. So, everyone was pitching in, trying to get things back on track. There were these folks from Europe, helping out. You know, trying to get the bandages replaced, make sure people have their medicine... real important stuff. And there were also some folks from America helping, called USAID. Which... I don't know exactly what USAID does, but it sounds important. Like, maybe they give out IDs... to... aid? I'm just guessing. Anyway, the problem is, apparently, these folks in Europe... they're thinking about maybeā¦ cutting back a little. on the "helping out" budget. And America's USAID are thinking of packing it up. And that's not great news, right? Because if they stop helping, then... well, then the health care system isnāt going to get better. Itās going to stayā¦ not better. So, basically, everybody's hoping theyāll reconsider. Because people need doctors and medicine, you know? It's not really a complicated ask. I just... I don't know. I read this stuff and I just think, "Man, that's a lot." Itās a lot for them, and itās a lot to try and keep up with. Iām just trying to figure out where I left my keys most of the time. You know? Health care budgets are above my pay grade. But hopefully, they figure it out. For those folks.
2025-12-03 15:04
Alright, so I saw this thing... about cyberfraud. Which, Iām still not entirely sure what that *is*, you know? Is that like... emailing people too much? I donāt know. But anyway, apparently there are these places - KK Park and Shwe Kokko. Sound like a couple of breakfast cereals, right? Like, "Try Shwe Kokko! It's got a little bit of everythingā¦probably fraud." And these places, theyāre on the border of... uh...Thailand. I always wanted to go there. Heard they have good food. But apparently near Thailand there are these places with, uh, a lot of computers. Doingā¦something. The article says ācyberfraud,ā but to me that's just computers making noise. So the deal is, the generals in...uhā¦Burma, I think it was. Yeah, Burma. They raided these places. Did a whole big show. They raided these breakfast cereals, trying to look good, I guess. Apparently, there's an election coming up in Burma, in 2025 or 2026. And these generals are trying to look, like, "we're tough on crime, even *cyber* crime." See, I donāt know what it is, but I will know this. It makes them feel better to go and shut this down. It's like when my wife is mad at me, and I offer to do the dishes. It doesn't really *fix* anything, but it makes *her* feel better, you know? So thatās it. Burma, Thailand, breakfast cereal names, and guys raiding with computers. I'm not even making this up. That's the news, folks. I don't know what's real anymore. I really donāt.
2025-12-03 14:34
Alright, so I was reading this thing, right? Some article... I don't know why I was reading it. Probably trying to figure out what's going on in the world, which, let me tell you, is a bad idea. Never helps. Anyway, this article was talking about, uh... it was these people in Europe. They're... you know, theyāre doing their thing over there. And they were talking about getting stuff. Like, materials. You know, to build stuff. And apparently, they were getting it all from one place. Which... I always thought that was a little weird, right? Like, putting all your eggs in one basket? My wife always tells me not to do that with the groceries. Says I can't just put all the milk in one bag. Too heavy. Sheās probably right. So, these folks over in Europe, they decided, āHey, maybe we should get this stuff from *other* places too." Smart, right? You'd think so. But here's the thing... figuring *out* where to get the stuff... that's the hard part. I mean, I have trouble figuring out where to get a decent cup of coffee sometimes. So basically, theyāre gonna try and find different places to get their materials. That's the whole plan. They announced it. You know, just in case anyone was wondering. Which, I wasn't. But, you know, now *I* know.
2025-12-03 14:34
Okay, so, I was reading this article, right? And itās about this city in India. Big city. They said itās got, like, 30 million people. Thirty million! That's a lot. I live in Nashville, feels crowded sometimes, but not 30 million crowded. I mean, how do you even *get* groceries? But anyway, the thing is, this city has, apparently, what they call... "thick, toxic fog." See, even "fog" sounds nice. Like a gentle London fog, you know, Sherlock Holmes, maybe a little pea soup. But "toxic fog"? That sounds like something they came up with in a lab. And it's not natural, see. This fog, they say, is from the factories and the cars. Which, okay, factories make stuff, cars get you places. I get it. But apparently, *all* the factories and *all* the cars are just making this giant cloud of... bad air. I don't know. I guess they should just tell everyone to stay inside. Maybe play some board games. That always works for me. Although, with 30 million people, finding a board game might be tricky. You know, like, "Hey, anybody got Monopoly? No? Okay, how about... uh... air filters?" I don't know the answer. I just... I feel like there should be a way. Maybe electric cars? I don't know anything about electric cars. I just saw one the other day. It was quiet. *Too* quiet. I almost walked right in front of it. Maybe they need to put a little bell on those things. Save lives. But yeah, 30 million people...toxic fog... Just wanted to share that. Itāsā¦ something. Makes you appreciate a sunny day. You know, when you can actually *see* the sun. It's nice. Don't take that for granted.
2025-12-03 14:04
Okay, so I was reading this thing, right? And it was talking about... this billionaire. Tech guy. You know the type, probably wears a hoodie to formal events. Apparently, he's complaining about this "global order" thing. Which, I don't even know what that *is*. Sounds complicated. Like, ordering pizza for the whole world? Thatād be a nightmare. How do you even decide on toppings? Anyway, this billionaire, he says this global order is stopping progress. Like, it's freezing everything in place. I picture it like, turning the world into one giant ice cube. Which, you know, would solve the global warming thing, I guess. Silver lining. But then, there's this *other* person, a researcher... you know, one of those smart people. They're saying that this billionaire, and some of his tech friends from "Silicon Valley," which always sounds like a really futuristic place where everything is made of computer chips... they're trying to replace the global order with this... "technological totalitarianism." Totalitarianism. Big word. Sounds serious. I think it means like, *total* control. So, instead of everyone being slightly confused, which is how I usually feel, they want *total* control. Which, I gotta admit, sounds exhausting. I can barely control my own schedule, much less the whole world. And the researcher, she's saying Europe shouldn't go along with it. Which, okay, Europe. I went to Europe once. Beautiful place. Cobblestone streets. Lots of bread. Seemed pretty set in their ways already, to be honest. I don't know if they'd be easily controlled by some tech guys. I feel like if you try to control people who eat a lot of bread, you're going to have problems. So, the whole thing is basically this: a billionaire is complaining about the way things are, and someone else is saying he wants to make things even weirder. And Europe is involved somehow. That's the gist of it. I donāt know, seems like a lot of fuss. Iām just trying to figure out what to have for dinner.
2025-12-03 14:04
Okay, so I was reading about this place, right? And it's a border crossing. You know, one of those places where you gotta show your passport and hope everything's in order. Now, this border crossing... it's in a spot. Itās *way* down south. Like, at the very, very bottom of this little strip of land ā Gaza, they call it. So, you're already thinking, āOkay, probably not a Club Med vibe.ā But hereās the kicker. Right next to *that*ā¦ is Egypt. See, I didn't realize they were that close! I mean, I know geography, kinda. But sometimes you just don't picture things the right way. Like, I picture Florida being bigger than it actually is. And don't even ask me about Rhode Island. Anyway, Egypt is right there, and next to *that*ā¦ the Sinai Desert. You know, the desert. Sand. Lots of it. I guess that makes sense. So you go fromā¦ let me get this straightā¦ from Gaza, to Egypt, to justā¦ sand. A geographical triple threat, I guess. I don't know. Iām picturing trying to cross that border with, like, a bunch of luggage. Youāve got your passport, your suitcase, and now you're stepping into the desert. It's like, āDid I pack enough water? Did I bring the right shoes for the sand?ā You know, the important stuff. I just hope they have, like, one of those little airport carts to haul your stuff across the sand. Because Iām not carrying all that. Not in the desert. I'd get lost. I'm bad with directions even with GPS. So, yeah. That's where this border crossing is. At the bottom of one place, next to another place, and then right into the desert. Just picture it. It makes you rethink your vacation plans, doesn't it? I know I am.
2025-12-03 13:34
Okay, so, you know how sometimes you lose your keys, and you're lookin' everywhere, and you're like, "Where are my keys?" and then you find 'em, but then you realize you lost something else? This is kinda like that, but withā¦ bones. Yeah, bones. So, the police, theyāre doin' a search in some buildings, right? And they're, I guess, lookin' for somethin'. I don't know *exactly* what, maybe they were tidying up or something, I don't know, I wasn't there. But they said they foundā¦ well, they're callin' them "suspect human bones." Which, okay, first off, are bones ever *not* suspect? I mean, you find a bone, you gotta wonder how it got there. Unless youāre a paleontologist or something, which I am definitely not. I still get confused by dinosaur names, to be honest. āTyrannosaurus Rexā? Seems a little redundant, doesnāt it? Anyway, so they found these bones. And theyāre sayinā it's a āprovisional assessment," which is fancy talk for "We're not really sure what's goin' on yet." They gotta do, like, forensic analysis. Which, thatās a job, right? Analyzing bones. I don't think I could do that. I can barely analyze my own laundry. I put a red shirt in with my whites *once*. *Once*. So, yeah, bones. Suspect bones. And they might find more. Itās a "provisional assessment," so it could change. I guess that's their way of saying, "This story could get weirder." Which, I'm already pretty weirded out, so...good luck with that.
2025-12-03 12:34
Alright, so you know how things are going over in, uh... that place... near Russia? Yeah, that one. So, apparently, their president ā seems like a nice enough guy, always on TV ā he had a bit of a thing happen. See, I was reading something about it, and it said he had to let go of, like, his main guy. His *main* guy. You know, the one he trusts. The one who probably knows where he keeps his good pens. The important stuff. Now, Iām not a political expert, which, letās be honest, is probably clear. But even *I* know that getting rid of your right-hand man while you're trying to, you know, *not* be at war? That doesn't seem ideal. It's like trying to assemble IKEA furniture and realizing halfway through that you threw away the instructions *and* the Allen wrench. You're just standing there, thinking, "Well, this isn't great." And the article, it kept calling him different things. Like, "chief diplomat," which, I guess, is fancy talk for "the guy who talks to other countries so *they* don't have to." Then it said he was also a "lightning rod." A *lightning rod*. I'm thinking, "Is this guy standing on a roof during thunderstorms or something?" And if so, maybe that's why they had to let him go. Safety first, people! But then the article also mentions that he was a "friend." And that's the part that gets you, you know? It's like, business is business, I get it. Lightning strikes are scary, I also get it. But losing a friend? That's tough. I lost a friend once. He borrowed my good hammer and never gave it back. Still stings. Anyway, so yeah. That's the story. President guy had to say goodbye to his main guy, who was also a diplomat, a lightning rod, and, worst of all, a friend. All while trying to figure out this whole war situation. Makes my issues with the hammer seem pretty small, doesn't it? I might have to go get him a new one. Even though I liked mine more. It's the right thing to do. You know, for diplomacy. And because I am a good friend, even though I didn't actually get the hammer back...
2025-12-03 12:34
Okay, so, I was reading this thing, right? Aboutā¦ well, it was about this country. I wonāt say which one, because, you know, Iām not great with geography. My wife always makes fun of me when we're travelling. Last time we went to Europe, I told her that Italy was next to Ireland. She just looked at me. It was brutal. Anyway, this countryā¦ they almost had, like, a martial law thing happen. You know, where the military is in charge? I guess thatās what it is. I'm not a history guy, or a law guy. I barely passed high school. I went to community college, but only because my dad said so. And apparently, these guys, the ones who wanted this martial law thing, are getting in trouble now. Going to court. Facing the music, as they say. Like, imagine getting in trouble for *almost* doing something. I get in trouble for things I *actually* do all the time. Like, yesterday I almost put the laundry in the dryer, but I got distracted and started watching YouTube videos of cats playing piano. That wouldn't have gotten me into legal trouble. But that's my life, I guess. So, yeah, these guys are in court. And apparently, even though this whole martial law thing didnāt even happen, people are still, like, mad. Tensions are high, they say. Which, I always wonder, how high? Like, are we talkingā¦ ceiling fan high? Kite flying high? Like, what are we measuring here? People are stressed. I get it. I get stressed just trying to figure out what to order for dinner. Basically, this country almost had a big problem, they didnāt, but everyoneās still upset about it. It's kind of like when you think you left the stove on, and you rush home to check, but it's not on. And then you are just really hungry. That's politics, I guess.
2025-12-03 12:04
Okay, so I saw this thing, right? Inā¦ a newspaper. I don't usually read newspapers. My wife, she gets them. I mostly look at the comics. Garfield's still going, you know? I don't know how he's still going. Anyway... So, it's about Syria. Syria. You ever been to Syria? Me neither. I've been to, like, Pigeon Forge. That's about as exotic as I get. But this article... It's saying that Syria's been trying to, you know, change things up for a year now. Like redecorating the living room, but on a country-wide scale. You know, instead of new curtains, they're trying, uh... Well, I donāt know what theyāre trying. But the guy who wrote it, this Gilles Paris, he's worried that they might just end up right back where they started. Thatās the thing about change, right? It's hard. I tried to eat healthier once. Lasted about three days. Ended up eating a whole pizza. It was pepperoni. So, I get it, Syria. It's tough to change. You think you're going forward, and then BAM! You're back to the old way. Like when you try to parallel park. You think you got it, then you gotta pull forward and straighten out. This guy Gilles, though, he sounds pretty serious. He's saying they gotta avoid going back to the "brutal authoritarianism." I don't even know what that is. It sounds like what my kids threaten me with if I don't let them watch TV. āBRUTAL AUTHORITARIANISM, DAD!ā I'm like, "Just go outside!" So basically, Syria's trying to fix things, and this Gilles Paris guy hopes they donāt mess it up and end up worse than before. Itās like, just take your time, Syria. Measure twice, cut once. That's what my grandpa always said. He was a carpenter. Also, he liked Garfield. Small world.
2025-12-03 12:04
Alright, so, I was reading something the other day, you know, trying to stay informed. Which, let me tell you, is a challenge in itself. I mean, these wordsā¦ they just keep cominā. Anyway, I read this thing about, uh... a social media thing, yeah. This company, they call themselves "X." Real creative, I guess. Could've been "Y," could've been "Z." They really left it open. Turns out, some people somewhere... they're lookin' into "X." Like, officially lookin'. They opened up an investigation. Which sounds serious, right? Like, detective stuff. Maybe they're wearin' trench coats and lookin' at "X" real close with a magnifying glass. I don't know. Now, hereās the kicker. Apparently, it's the *first* time anyone's ever investigated "X" like this. EVER. Which, to me, that seems wild. "X" has been around for a minute now, right? You see people on there all the time, sayin' stuff... good stuff, bad stuff, stuff that makes you go, "Huh?" And nobody thought to check it out until now? It's like findin' out your neighbor, who's been bakin' pies for years, *just* got their kitchen inspected. You're like, "Wait... you mean we were eatin' pies with *no* kitchen inspection?" So yeah, someone's lookin' into "X." I don't know what they'll find. Maybe they'll find nothin'. Maybe they'll find a bunch ofā¦ Xās. I'm not really sure. But it's the first time, which, honestly, just raises more questions for me than it answers. I just hope they don't ask *me* any questions. Iām not great with the internet stuff. I'm lucky I can even get my GPS to work half the time. You know, I tell it to take me to the grocery store, and it tries to take me to a farm. I end up buyin' fresh corn in bulk. It's a whole situation.
2025-12-03 11:34
Alright, so I was reading thisā¦ thing. I don't know, some kind of article, I think. It was talking aboutā¦ economies. You know, money stuff. I try to understand it, but honestly, after about a minute, my brain starts thinking about snacks. But anyway, this professor lady, Pauline somethingā¦ Grosjean? Thatās a name. I gotta remember that, maybe I can use it in a bit. She was saying that economists, these are the people who are supposed to know about money, right? Like, that's their job. They're *professionals* at money. Turns out, according to her, theyāve been missing something pretty big. Apparently, how well a country gets along with other countries actually matters for the economy. Like, if you're friends with everyone, things are probably gonna go smoother. Which, you know, makes sense. Like, if I go to a party and nobody likes me, I'm probably not getting any snacks. So, these economists, who are supposed to be the smart ones, they hadnāt really figured this out until now. It's kind of like when you realize youāve been putting your socks on inside out for years. Youāre like, āWait a minuteā¦ this feels different.ā It's justā¦ you'd think that would be obvious, right? That being nice to people is good forā¦ well, everything. I try to be nice. Sometimes I forget. Iām always apologizing to my wife. So, yeah, thatās it. Countries, be friends with each other. Turns out, itās good for theā¦ uhā¦ the money part. I think thatās what it said. Maybe I should read it again. Probably not. I'm hungry.
2025-12-03 11:34
Okay, so I was reading the news the other day, trying to keep up with things, you know? And there was this article, and they're talking about... Pokrovsk. Pokrovsk. Sounds like a town you'd find on a Monopoly board, right? Like, "Do not pass go, go directly to Pokrovsk." I don't know, it's got that feel. Anyway, apparently, there's been some... disagreement in Pokrovsk. Which is fine, people disagree, happens all the time. But this disagreement involved, like, at least 52 fights. Fifty-two! Thatās a lot of fighting. I mean, that's more fights than I've been in my entire life, and I tripped over a dog leash once, soā¦ yeah. And what's even funnier is that one group is saying they took Pokrovsk. Like, "Yeah, we got it! Pokrovsk is ours!" And the other group is like, "Nah, you didn't. We still got it. Youāre just confused.ā I don't know, sounds like someone needs to get their stories straight, right? Fifty-two fights, claiming a town, denying a claim... This is why I just watch home improvement shows. You mess up some paint, you fix it. Less confusing.
2025-12-03 11:34
Okay, so, I saw this thing on the news. They were talking aboutā¦ rain. Just a *lot* of rain. You know, monsoon season. I've heard of it. Sounds like something you should probably stay inside for. Apparently, it wasnāt just, like, a normal rain. We're talking torrential. Torrential. I don't even know what that means, exactly. It soundsā¦ intense. Like, if you were trying to torrent a movie, but, like, with water. Which would beā¦ difficult. And then, this is where it gets weird. Not just one, but *two* tropical cyclones. You know, those spinning wind things. Just barreling through. Itās like, āHey rain, weāre gonna help you out here!ā I donāt know if the rain needed help. Seems like it was doing pretty good on its own. So, basically, they had a bunch of rain. Like, so much rain. Places got, you know, really, really wet. I feel bad for the people dealing with it. I'm hoping they have some nice boats and stuff, because, you know, that sounds like you should have a boat. I don't have a boat. I should probably get one. Just in case. You never know when you are going to need a boat to leave the house with. Not for torrential rain and cyclones, but you know, for fun! I just don't know how to drive one. Guess I would need to get my boat license too. More lessons, more homework... That sounds like a lot of work!
2025-12-03 11:04
Okay, so I read this thing, right? It's aboutā¦ uhā¦ well, there was this camp. Aā¦ a place where people lived. A Palestinian camp. Iām not even sure where it is, butā¦letās just say it had a bad day. Apparently, this camp, it gotā¦ "bombarded." That's never good, is it? Bombarded. Sounds messy. Like a pie-eating contest gone wrong, but with explosions. And people died. Like, thirteen people. Which, you know, is a lot of people. Especially if youāre trying to have a small dinner party. So, after this whole "bombardment" thing, these people, the Palestiniansā¦ they're worried. And you know, I donāt blame them. If my apartment got bombarded, I'd probably be a little on edge too. I'd be like, "Alright, whoās throwing the bombs now ? Was it my HOA ? Did I miss a fee ?ā They're worried, because they think that maybeā¦ possiblyā¦ this *other* place, a place that, I think it would be best if I don't name, might be thinking of destroying their camp. Like permanently. So they wonāt exist anymore. It's all identity and "militantisme" stuff. I don't know what "militantisme" is but it sounds like something that happens after you put on too many military jackets. And I'm thinking, you know, maybe instead of bombing, we could just try toā¦ talk it out? I mean, Iām not a diplomat, but I feel like a strongly worded letter might be a good first step. It would be a lot cleaner. And cheaper than all that bombarding. I just feel bad for the people. I mean, you wake up one day, you're living in a camp, and the next thing you know, there's an explosion. Itās probably hard to get a good night sleep. If my house was bombarded, I'd move into a hotel. With free breakfast. They could bombard that place all day long, as long as I got a waffle, I think I'd be okay.
2025-12-03 11:04
Okay, so, I saw this thing on the newsā¦ about a border. A border crossing. Which, you know, borders are weird to begin with. Just a line. Like, āHey, donāt cross this line!ā But you can. You justā¦ probably shouldnāt. Anyway, this border thing is down inā¦ uhā¦ Gaza. Right? Gaza. Soundsā¦ sandy. And itās at the bottom. The very bottom. Which I guess makes sense. You donāt want a border in the middle, do you? Then you'd have two sides with the same thing. Just chaos. And it's right next to Egypt. Like, *right* next to it. So close, they probably share the sameā¦ sunsets? I don't know what they share. Sand, probably. It's next to the Sinai Desert. See, I know deserts. I've *seen* deserts. They're sandy. Hot. You don't want to lose your car keys in a desert, I'll tell you that much. So yeah, itās a border crossing, at the very end of Gaza, right up against Egypt, next to the desert. Which, if Iām understanding this right, sounds like a reallyā¦ inconvenient place to have to go through customs. Like, āOh, I just need to get to Egyptā¦ let me just drive all the way down here, past theā¦ everything.ā I'd probably just stay home. I don't know. I'm just saying, if youāre planning a vacation to Egypt, maybe check the map first. Make sure you don't accidentally drive to the bottom of Gaza and have to explain to somebody why you have that many snacks with you. Because that's my life, right there. "Sir, why do you have all this beef jerky?" "I... I like beef jerky?"
2025-12-03 11:04
Alright, so I was reading this thing, and it was talking about the President of the United States. Now, I'm not a political guy, you know? I just try to figure out what's on TV and what time dinner is. But this thing was saying this lady, who knows a lot about America, I guess, was writing about him. And the main thing she was saying isā¦ he likes to just, like, *push* people around. Not in a mean way, I don't think, but justā¦ you know, strong-arm stuff. Like, he really likes to get what he wants. That's what it sounds like. It's like when I try to get my daughter Harper to eat broccoli. I'm like, "Harper, eat the broccoli!" and she's like, "No, Dad!" And then I try to tell her it's shaped like little trees, thinking she'd fall for that. But she's a smart kid. So I end up having to make her a deal or something. I should probably be nicer, but broccoli is good for her, I think...I don't know. Anyway, so it's kind of like that, but with countries instead of broccoli. Apparently, the President doesn't really care about, like, the rules. Or what other countries think. He's just like, "We're doing it this way." And the article says sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Which, I guess, is how life is, right? I mean, sometimes I try to fix something around the house, and it works great! The other day, I tried to fix the toilet, and now water is going *everywhere*. So, yeah, the President is just going around, pushing people around. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Just like me and Harper and broccoli. And toilets. I'm telling you, I'm not the handiest guy. I should probably just call someone next time. They'd know what to do.
2025-12-03 11:04
Alright, so I saw this thing, and it's aboutā¦ energy. Which, right away, I'm thinking, "Okay, is this something I need to understand?" Because usually, if it involves electricity or gas bills, I'm already lost. My wife, she handles all that. She understands kilowatts and, I think, Gigawatts? Sounds like a Transformer, right? But anyway, this lady ā Ursula, I think? ā she's in charge ofā¦ Europe. Basically, the whole place, except, I guess, England. Or is it the UK? See, that's the problem with Europe. Itās like a bunch of states that are also countries. It's confusing. So Ursula, she's saying they're gonna be "totally independent" from Russia for their energy. Which meansā¦no more Russian gas? Or oil? I don't know the difference. Is one thicker? I feel like oil would be thicker. And that got me thinking, like, how did this even *happen* in the first place? Were they just borrowing energy from Russia the whole time? Like, "Hey, Vlad, can we get a cup ofā¦electricity?" And he's like, "Sure, but you gotta return the thermos, you know how it is." So now, they're gonna get their own energy. Which sounds good. But also, it means someone's gotta figure out how to make it. I'm picturing a bunch of people running around on giant hamster wheels to power the Eiffel Tower. Which would be exercise, I guess. More than I do. I don't know if it'll work out. But Ursula seems confident. She said it's the "dawn of a new era." Which is what they always say before something doesn't work. Like when I tried to build a deck. "Dawn of a new era of outdoor relaxation!" Then it rained and the boards warped. So, yeah, Europe's getting their own energy. Hopefully, they donāt have to borrow any from me. Because all I have is a flashlight with questionable batteries and a space heater from 1978. Good luck with that, Europe. You'll need it.
2025-12-03 10:34
Okay, so, Norway. You know, they've got the fjords, the Vikings... I guess they have governments, too. So, I'm reading this thing, and it sounds like their government... the Labor guys... they're trying to get their budget passed. Which, I guess is what governments do. Budgets. Taxes. Numbers. I'm not great with numbers, personally. I still use my fingers sometimes to count. It's embarrassing when you're paying for groceries. But here's the kicker. So, they have this idea, right? Mining... underwater. Mining. Underwater. I didn't even know that was a thing. Like, do they send the dwarves down there with tiny pickaxes and scuba gear? I picture them with little hard hats... underwater hard hats. Probably needs to be waterproof. So, apparently Norway has... underwater stuff they want to mine. Sounds risky. Like a James Bond movie. Anyway, to get their budget passed, they're agreeing to NOT start the underwater mining thing until 2029. Basically, they're saying, "Look, we'll hold off on the underwater dwarf miners if you just approve this budget." That's a long time! Itās so far away, that, in 2029, underwater mining may not even be a thing anymore. And there might be even crazier technologies! So, basically, Norway's delaying some underwater mining thing to get their budget passed. Politics is weird, man. It's all just... decisions, you know? I make those too. Like, should I have coffee or tea? Tea seems less stressful. Unless they're underwater.
2025-12-03 10:04
Okay, so I was reading this thing, andā¦ you know how sometimes you try to read something and youāre like, āI think I get it, but also Iām not sure I get itā? That was this. Basically, it sounds likeā¦ well, certain countries ā Afghanistan, Burma, Chad, Cuba, they named a few, I donāt want to misspeak ā if you're from those places and you're trying to get one of those "permanent resident" cards, that thing that says you can stayā¦ or even become a citizen? They're hitting pause on those. Yeah, "pause." That's the word. Like someone just yelled "time out" in a game of citizenship. Which is weird, right? I mean, imagine you're almost there, you've filled out all the paperwork, you've taken all the testsā¦ I don't even know what they test you on, probably trivia, like "What year was the first *Alvin and the Chipmunks* movie released?" Which, by the way, I wouldn't know. I'd be disqualified. So, anyway, you're just *there*, and then someone's like, "Nope. Hold on. We'reā¦ thinking about it. We're gonna get back to you. Eventually. Maybe." Thatād be rough. Especially if you'd already sold your old house. And your boat. That's what I would have done. Sold my boat. And then where would I be? Landlocked. Probably in Chad.
2025-12-03 09:04
Okay, so you know how Israelā¦ theyāre dealing with a situation there. It's a complicated situation. I try to stay out of politics, you know? I don't really understand it. But hereās what I *think* is happening. So, the police there, they announced they got something. And this is where I get a little confused, because they said it was "the *presumed* remains" of a hostage. *Presumed* remains. Which... does that mean theyāre not sure? Like, did they lose the paperwork? āWe think this is him, but we canāt *guarantee* it.ā And they got the remains...from Gaza. Now, this hostage, apparently, was one of the last two they're still looking for. This has been going on for a while, which is always the worst, you know? When youāre looking for something for a long time. I lost my car keys last week. Took me two days. Two days! Can you imagine how long it would take looking for someone? So now these *presumed* remains are with the doctors, the medical examiners. And they're going to examine them to figure out if it's actually the hostage. It seems like a lot of steps to figure out something so important, doesn't it? But you know, they're doing what they can. I always wonder about those medical examiners. That's their job. I'm a comedian, and I feel bad if my jokes aren't funny. I can't imagine messing up a job like that. So, hopefully they figure it out. They'll figure out if it's him...or...*someone* else. It's a lot, right? I need a nap.
2025-12-03 09:04
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, you know, trying to keep up with things. And, uh, there's this guy, Lee Jae-myung, right? And he's talking about the *previous* guy. This whole thing's already complicated. So, apparently, the guy *before* Lee Jae-myungā¦ (I'm gonna mess up these names, I can already tell. Like, is "Lee" the first name or the last name? I always get that mixed up.) Anyway, *that* guy supposedly told the army toā¦ fly drones. Now, I'm alright with drones, I guess. I mean, they deliver pizza now, right? That's progress. But these dronesā¦ they weren't delivering pizza. Apparently, they were going overā¦ *Pyongyang*. Which, I've heard of it, I justā¦ couldn't point it out on a map if you asked me. And they weren't just flying *over* Pyongyang, mind you. They were droppingā¦ *leaflets*. Like, paper. Withā¦ I guessā¦ mean things written on them? I don't know. That's what I'm picturing anyway. Paper airplanes filled with insults. So, the idea is, the *previous* guy wanted to make the *other* guys mad enough toā¦ do something. Like, a military response. Like, *actually* fight. I don't know. It just seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to get someone to get angry. I mean, you can just cut someone off in traffic and get the same result, right? And that's way less expensive. And you donāt have to involve the army or anything. I donāt know man. People donāt seem to like it when you fly drones over and drop bad things about them, which is weird, cause people do that on the internet all the time. Like, I don't know anything about international relations, I justā¦ I have trouble parallel parking. But this whole situation seems like a bad idea. Someoneās going to get mad, and I just donāt get it. It's like trying to start a fight with a paper airplane!
2025-12-03 08:04
Alright, so, I was reading something the other dayā¦ you know, trying to be informed, which isā¦ a process. My wife, she understands things immediately. I need it broken down. Like, really broken down. Anyway, this was aboutā¦ well, I think it was about geography. Maybe. So, there's China, and Japan. And Taiwan. I know where they are, generally. Well, I know where *China* is. Japan is, uh... over there somewhere, right? Island-y? And Taiwan... small. Seems like a nice place to visit, maybe. Turns out, China and Japanā¦ theyāre not, you know, *best friends*. Apparently, there's someā¦ history. I don't know the specifics, but Iām guessing it involves, like, a disagreement on a parking spot or something. Maybe one of them ate the otherās leftovers from the office fridge. It always starts small, right? And this Taiwan thingā¦ it's in the middle of it all. And theyāre kind of like, āHey guys, maybe chill? We're right here!ā You know, like that kid in elementary school when two other kids are fighting in the lunch line. Then there's South Korea. Theyāre like, āGuys, come on. Letās all just work together!ā South Korea is always trying to mediate. Theyāre very polite. Itās like, you can see them already saying "Let's all go out for Korean BBQ, it's on me!" Which, I would be very happy to do. So, basically, everyone is looking at Taiwan, China and Japan are sort of side-eyeing each other and South Korea's saying, "Hey, let's not do anything rash, let's try to work this out." It's like a Thanksgiving dinner where everyone's just trying to avoid talking about politics. Which, come to think of it, I might understand better than this whole geo-political situation. At least I know where the mashed potatoes are.
2025-12-03 07:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing, right? About Germany. Good country, I think. I've never been, but...cars, right? Everybody knows Germany makes good cars. My wife uses a German mixer in the kitchen. So they seem to know what they are doing. But apparently, things aren't so great over there, business-wise. I guess their businesses, especially the factories...they call them "industrial" companies...which, I don't know, sounds like they make industrial things. Like maybe really strong paperclips? That's what I picture. Anyway, these "industrial" companies, they've lost money. A lot of money. Like, 6.2% over three years. Now, I'm not a math guy, you guys know that. Percentages always mess me up. My daughter is in the 8th grade now and still does not get it either. The teacher wants to meet up for us to get some tutoring and I keep telling him I am busy. But losing money... that's not good. I can understand that part. And it gets worse. Because these companies, they had to... well, they had to let some people go. Like, fire them. Or maybe they just didn't replace them when they quit. I don't know the specifics. But 120,000 people. That's a lot of people. Imagine trying to remember 120,000 names, how about just seeing that many cars in a parking lot. It would take me two days just to count them all up. And the thing that really got me, the part that I actually understood, was that 50,000 of those people... worked in the car business. The car business! That's like, their thing! Like if Cracker Barrel stopped selling rocking chairs. It doesn't make sense. So, I don't know what's going on over there. Maybe they're all switching to scooters. I don't know. But, uh, good luck, Germany. You know, figure it out. Cars is your thing. I don't want my mixer to break down anytime soon.
2025-12-03 07:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, trying to figure out what's going on in the world. It's...a lot. And I saw something about Russia and Ukraine, which, you know, is already complicated. Apparently, this guy from the Kremlin, a "diplomatic advisor" ā sounds important, I guess, like he's got a special briefcase ā this guy, Yuri...Ooshakov, maybe? I don't know, Iām terrible with names. Anyway, he met with some American guy, Steve... Witkoff. Yeah, Witkoff. Sounds like a law firm, doesnāt it? Witkoff & Associates. Probably really expensive. So, these two guys, they're in Moscow, right? And theyāre talking about the, uh, "territories." That's what they're calling them. Territories that Russia, uh, currently has. Which I guess is a nicer way of sayingā¦ well, you know. And after the meeting, Ooshakov ā that's the guy I can't pronounce ā he comes out and says, and this is the important part, "No compromise has been chosen." Which, honestly, sounds like something my wife would say when we're picking a restaurant. "Honey, where do you want to go?" "I donāt know, Iām open. But no compromise has been chosen." You know? So, basically, all that to sayā¦ they talked. But they didn't agree on anything. Which, in fairness, is pretty much every conversation I have. I talk, and then... nothing changes. I told my kid to clean his room two weeks ago. Still waiting on that compromise to be chosen. Maybe Witkoff & Associates can help me out with that. Iāll look into it.
2025-12-03 07:04
Okay, so, I was readingā¦ well, someone *told* me about something in the news. I donāt actually read. I listen. Itās more efficient. Anywayā¦ So, thereās this group of people ā theyāre, like, thinkers, and artists, and people who, you know, *do* stuff. I don't really understand what they do, but they're important. And they had this idea, right? It's about the people who come to our country to work, the immigrants. Good people, hard workers, you know? And what theyāre saying isā¦ and this is where it gets a little confusing for meā¦ they want a special day for them. A day just to recognize them. Which, I guess, is nice. We have a lot of days, right? National Donut Day. I think thereās a National Hat Day. We got days for everything. I probably missed my own birthday. But hereās the thing that really got me: they want this day to be on January 1st. New Year's Day. And the reason they want it then isā¦ well, a lot of these folks, when they came here, nobody knew exactly when they were born. You know, paperwork, stuff gets lost. Itās like when I try to find my keys, onlyā¦ harder. So, they figured, January 1st is easy. Itās the first day of the year, might as well be their birthday. Itāsā¦efficient! I guess if you donāt know when youāre born, you just pick a day, right? I mean, if I didn't know when I was born, Iād probably pick a summer day so I can just be outside. January 1st seemsā¦cold. But, you know, itās a thoughtful idea. A day to celebrate these people. Plus, itās less pressure on figuring out the exact date. Which, Iām all for. Less pressure is good. I still haven't figured out how to work the TV remote. A whole birthday to figure out? Nope.
2025-12-03 06:34
Alright, so I was reading about this village. Now, I'm not great with geography, you know? I took history in school, but mostly I just remember Abraham Lincoln had a beard. So, this village, it's...near Gaza. Okay? And apparently, it had a really rough time back in October. Real bad. Like, a *lot* of people...102 people. That's...that's more than are at my Thanksgiving. And they had this funeral. This guy, Dror Or. I'm assuming he was well-liked because it says a few *thousand* people showed up. Which, think about that. A few *thousand*. I can barely get my wife and kid to come to my shows on time. So, this Dror Or, he must have been a really good guy. You know, the kind of guy people would actually plan their day around. Now, what gets me isā¦ the funeral was November 30th. So, that's after Thanksgiving. Which means people had to travelā¦ after already traveling for Thanksgiving. I mean, Iām not saying they shouldnāt have. Itās terrible what happened and important to show support. But, Thanksgiving travel? Thatās brutal. Iām exhausted just *thinking* about doing more traveling right after that. Iām just saying, Dror Or better have been *real* good. Because you're making people driveā¦ *again*. Especially after they just spent a week with their relatives. I mean, my relatives are great, but a week? Thatās a *long* time. You need at least a three-day recovery period after that. And this Dror Or situation is coming in and ruining everything. I am kidding. It's terrible, what happened. It's justā¦a *lot* of people at a funeral after Thanksgiving. You know? It's just timing. Not good timing. But what a support to the community, I'm sure.
2025-12-03 06:34
Alright, so, I was reading this thing the other day, right? And it was talking about this place... Darfur, is it? Sounds like something you'd order at a coffee shop. "Yeah, I'll take a Darfur, extra hot." I don't know. Anyway, apparently some bad stuff went down there. Like, *really* bad. The story was about these folks, the survivors, you know, the ones who made it out. And they were saying that these... paramilitaries? Thatās a big word. It just means they arenāt the army but they act like it. So, *these* paramilitaries, they took over the capital. Not good, right? And these survivors were telling storiesā¦ Just awful. Like, they said there were executions happening. Justā¦boom. No trial, nothing. Andā¦ well, Iām not gonna get into details, but they were talking about some really messed up stuff happening to people. Awful. And then, get this, they said there was likeā¦ a people-trafficking situation. Like, people were being sold! Can you believe that? It's like a really bad used-car lot, but instead of cars, it'sā¦ you know. But the craziest thing? They said these guys were trying to cover it all up! Like, "Oops, we didn't see anything! Nothing to see here!" You know? Like when my daughter spills juice on the carpet, and then puts a pillow over it. Like, "Oh, what stain?" Same energy. So yeah, Darfur. Sounds like a place you donāt want to be. Makes you appreciateā¦ you knowā¦ Tuesdays. And juice-stained carpets covered with pillows. At least *I* know where the juice is coming from. Anyway. I don't know. It's justā¦ a lot. Maybe I should stick to talking about parking tickets. Those at least only cost me money, notā¦wellā¦you know.
2025-12-03 06:34
Okay, so I saw this thing on the news... and I'm trying to figure it out. Pete Hegseth, he's... I think he's important? Defense Secretary, that sounds important, right? So, apparently, people are saying he told someone to... you know... *finish the job* after some kind of attack. Like, a double attack. Which, right off the bat, I'm thinking, "Double attack? Was there, like, a Buy One Get One Free sale on attacks?" Anyway, it was in international waters, whichā¦ you knowā¦ the ocean. All that water. I guess thatās important because you can't just do whatever you want out there. Like, you can't just yell, "This is MY part of the ocean!" and start claiming it. Although, I bet some people have tried. So, they're saying he told people to... I don't know how to say this nicely... to make sure there were no survivors. And heās saying he didn't do that. Which makes sense, because if I were him, I wouldn't admit it either. "Yeah, I ordered that." Thatās not a good look. I don't know. It's all very... aggressive. I'm just trying to figure out whatās happening. I try to keep up with the news. You know, for my kids. Gotta tell them whatās what. But sometimes... sometimes I just want to go back to talking about parking lots. Those make more sense.
2025-12-03 06:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, which, you know, that's always a good time. Like going to the dentist. You know you should, but you never really *want* to. Anyway, I'm reading aboutā¦Russia, I guess. And this guy, aā¦diplomat guy for the president, this Yuri Ouchakov, I think it was. These names are always tricky. I always mess them up. My wifeās family, they have these last names that are just vowels. I can never get them right. So, Yuriā¦ this guy is saying they haven't figured things out yet, like a compromise. They're trying to work it out. A compromise. You know, where you both agree to be kinda unhappy, I guess. That's what compromise is, right? But hereās the kicker, and this is where I get confused. Earlier that same day, someone elseā¦ maybe the same guy, Iām not sure because, again, the namesā¦they said something about a war with the rest of Europe. Like a *war*. Big war. So, itās likeā¦ are we compromising or are we going to war? It's like trying to decide if youāre ordering the salad or the steak. Theyāre very different. He did say some of the ideas from Americaā¦ they're okay to talk about. Which, that's a plus, I guess. Because sometimes people just donāt want to talk at all. So basically, no one knows exactly what's going to happen. That's the story. And you know what? That's just like most things in my life. I'm just as confused about what's happening tomorrow as they are over in Russia. So, I guess we all have something in common. Makes you feel better, doesnāt it? Or maybe that's just me.
2025-12-03 06:04
Okay, so, you know how theyāre looking for thatā¦ that airplane? The one thatā¦ disappeared? Yeah, that one. Itās been a while, right? Youād think if you lose a whole airplane, it'd be easier to find. Like, where do you even *park* an airplane underwater? Anyway, thereās this company, Ocean Infinity. Real specific name, huh? Ocean Infinity. Sounds like a cruise you can never get off of. Thatās my kind of vacation. You just keep goingā¦ forever. So, *they* were looking for the plane. Earlier this year. You know, braving theā¦ ocean and everything. Which, thatās a job. Going out on a boat, lookin' for stuff that ain't there. I mean, I lose my keys in the *house* and it's a whole production. I canāt imagine losing an entire Boeing 777 in the Indian Ocean. Thatās a rough day at the office. But get this, they had to *stop* looking. Because of the weather. I thought that was interesting. These guys have all this fancy equipment, sonar, probably some robots, you know, like theyāre in a movie. And *weather* stops them? Thatās like saying a dentist canāt work on your teeth because itās raining outside. Youād think they'd have some windshield wipers for the boat. So, they looked for a while, they didn't find it, and the weather was bad, so they said, "Alright, we're going home." You know, a rational response. So that's where we are, still no plane, Ocean Infinity went home because of some rain, and I still can't find my keys. I'm starting to think maybe *I* should hire Ocean Infinityā¦ but only if the weather is good.
2025-12-03 05:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing, and it's about thisā¦ businessman, right? Fifty years old. Which, I mean, thatās a good run. Iāmā¦ closer to that than I am to twenty, which is weird. Anyway, this guy, he's driving along, minding his business, probably listening to some easy listening, or maybe a podcast aboutā¦ I don't know, woodworking? Whatever businessmen listen to. And then, BAM! Eight or nine shots fired at his car. Eight or nine! Now, I've never been shot at, thankfully. But if someone shot at my car *once*, I think I'd pull over and justā¦ wait. Maybe call AAA? I don't know. But this guy, he's different. He pulls out *his* gun. And I'm already thinking, "Where did he even *get* a gun? And does he have a permit? What if he just forgot it at home? That would be awkward." So he pulls out his gun, and he shoots back. Not one or two shots. No. He shoots back *twelve* times! Twelve! Now, Iām not a mathematician or anything, but that's more than they shot at him to begin with! That's justā¦ aggressive. I'd be worried about running out of bullets. I'd be counting. Iām always thinking about stuff like that. And the thing is, this is all happening because there's an election coming up in April, in some country. Apparently, things are getting a littleā¦ spicy, politically speaking. More violent. Which, elections are usually boring. You put your name in a box... Thatās how we do it here anyway. But the businessman? Heās fine! He wasnāt hurt at all. So, you know, good for him. I guess heās justā¦ really good at driving? Or maybe really good at shooting back? I don't know which is more impressive. Either way, I'm glad he's okay. Though, I still have questions about that gunā¦ and the twelve shotsā¦
2025-12-03 05:04
Okay, so, I was reading about this election thing down in Tennessee, near Nashville. You know Nashville, right? Music City. I've played there a few times. Always a good crowd. Although one time, I told a joke and nobody laughed. I thought, "Man, is this the end of my career? Did I finally lose Nashville?" Turns out, they just hadn't heard me. The mic wasn't on. Always check the mic. That's lesson number one. Anyway, this election. So, this guy, Matt Van Epps, he's a Republican. And he was running in an area thatās, well, they said it was "extremely conservative." Iām like, āHow conservative can you be? Are we talking likeā¦no ketchup on your hot dog conservative? I need details here.ā Turns out, it's just a lot of Republicans live there, West of Nashville. Like, thirteen counties worth. I donāt even know thirteen counties in Tennessee! I think I know three, maybe four. One is Davidson, because thatās where Nashville is. So, you expect this Van Epps guy to win, right? It's like, everyone's saying he's gonna win. And he *did* win. So far, so good, right? But hereās the thing... He didnāt win by *that* much. Like, not as much as everyone thought he would. And now everyoneās all in a panic! They're saying it's a āscathing warningā to the White House. A scathing warning! I donāt even know what that means. Like, did someone send a strongly worded letter? Is the White House getting extra newsletters they didn't sign up for? So, basically, a Republican won where Republicans usually win, but because he didn't win by as much as they thought, everyone's losing their minds. That's politics, I guess. I just try to tell jokes. Seems less stressful. Although, now I'm worried about my mic again...
2025-12-03 05:04
Okay, so I was reading this thing, and it's about an election... See, they're trying to have an election. It's scheduled for... 2026. Which, you know, is a ways away. I mean, that's like, almost three years from now. You start thinking, "Wow, three years? That's a long time to wait for an election." But here's the thing, they haven't had one in like nine years, they've not been able to, what with violence from gangs. Nine years! That's like... an entire generation. My daughter will be driving then, assuming she can actually find the keys and knows which pedal does what... Weāre still working on that. And they passed a decree, which is some kind of fancy paperwork thing ā I donāt really know what that entails, I just know itās going to take a while. The decree talks about how they need to get thingsā¦ secure. You know, safe. Before they can actually, like, let people vote. Which, I mean, that makes sense, right? You donāt want to show up to vote and find a brawl instead of the ballot. The guy in charge, the āpresident of the Provisional Electoral Councilā, said getting things secure is a "precedent." Which, if you know me, you know big words are always tough. But he said, āgetting security is a precedent for the first round on August 30, 2026." So basically, they're trying to have an election in 2026. But first, they gotta make sure itāsā¦you knowā¦not a free for all. Makes a little sense, yeah? I mean, I always thought voting should be a calm and orderly thing. Although I could see myself getting in a fight over parking sometimes, but not with the actual ballot. And, three years from now... who knows? Maybe I'll even understand what this decree is about by then. Probably not, but maybe.
2025-12-03 04:04
Alright, so I was reading this thing, and it was talking about food. Now, I like food, everybody likes food. Except maybe people on a diet, but theyāre just pretending. Anyway, apparently, these companies, these *food* companiesā¦ they're making food... but itās likeā¦ *too* much food? Like, theyāre making itā¦ *ultra*-processed. I donāt know what that means, exactly. Ultra. Is that past Super? We got regular food, super food, *ultra* foodā¦ feels like theyāre trying to sell me a car wash package. But so, the thing is, this prosecutor, this lawyer guy, in the city, he's saying that this ultra-processed food is, like, causing a public health crisis. A *public* health crisis. Which sounds serious. I feel like I should know more about public health. Probably should have paid attention in school. But hereās the crazy part: He says this stuff, this ultra-processed food, is like, 70% of the stuff in the grocery store. SEVENTY percent. I'm thinking: What *isn't* ultra-processed then? Like, what *is* that 30%? Is it just, like, apples? Am I just walking around the grocery store completely surrounded by ultra-processed stuff? I don't even know what to look for. Maybe it's the stuff with the shiny wrappers. Or the stuff that promises it'll give you energy. I don't trust anything that promises me energy. Usually just makes me jittery. So, yeah, apparently they made the food a bit *too* processed. Now we gotta figure it all out. And me? I'm just trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. I might just have an apple. Might be the only thing that isn't *ultra* something.
2025-12-03 03:34
Alright, so I was reading this thing... about... Poland. You know, over there. Europe. I'm trying to learn more about Europe. It's... big. Bigger than my backyard, definitely. Anyway, they're talking about alcohol. See, some towns in Poland, like, 180 of 'em, which sounds like a lot, right? Like, that's a *significant* amount of towns. They decided, "Okay, no more selling alcohol at night." I donāt know, Iām just trying to understand the logic. So, during the day, everythingās fine. You can buy your... whatever drinks. But then, nighttime rolls around...and everyone says that alcohol is not available until morning. It's like it turns into a pumpkin at midnight. And get this: Warsaw, that's their big city, right? Like, their Nashville, but with moreā¦ pierogi, I think? Two neighborhoods in Warsaw went along with it. Iām picturing people stocking up on drinks before sunset, like itās the apocalypse or something. Now, the thing I don't understand is it wasnāt all of Warsaw. Just those two neighborhoods. You know, if I lived on the edge of one of those neighborhoods, Iād just move my couch across the street at 11:59 pm on the weekends. And if a policeman ask what I'm doing, I would just ask him if he could help me with the couch. What is he going to say ? Apparently, they had big arguments about it. Big debates, they said. I'm just imagining these folks standing at a podium yelling about beer. "Is it a right? Is it a privilege? When should it be sold!?" I don't know politics... it's all confusing. So, that's Poland. They're banning nighttime alcohol sales in some places. I just donāt get it. I mean, aren't you supposed to be relaxing at night ?
2025-12-03 03:04
Alright, so I was reading this article, or, well, *trying* to read it. You know how that goes. Sometimes I just nod and pretend I understand, you know? Like when my wife's talking aboutā¦ well, anything technical. Anyway. So, this thing is about, uhā¦ magistrates? Judges? Okay, judges. And it sounds like some of these judges are, uhā¦ leaving. Quitting? Or, I donāt know, maybe they won a contest? Like, "Congratulations, you get to *not* be a judge anymore!" Iād enter that contest. And then there's some groups, right? The "Association-of-Migrant-Defender-People" ā thatās what Iām calling them, anyway. They think these judges are being replaced. Not like robot judges, I donāt think. That would be a whole different story. Iād watch that movie. But, no, they think the government is getting rid of these judges and bringing in new ones who are moreā¦ uhā¦ "aligned." Which, to me, just sounds like theyāre better at walking in a straight line. "Look at Judge Johnson, he is *so* aligned!" See, thatās the government though, right? Always aligning. Youād think theyād just build straight roads to begin with. But no, they gotta replace the judges. I donāt know. Iām just saying. It feels like a lot of work to just align things. I mean, my wife asks me to align the pictures on the wall, and I justā¦ leave them. So basically, some judges are leaving, a group thinks it's fishy, and the government might want judges that agree with them. That's all I got. Anyone else understand this better? Because Iām pretty sure I just made half of that up. Thanks, I'll be here all week, try the veal!
2025-12-03 02:34
Alright, so I was reading about this thing that happenedā¦ it wasā¦ overseas. I think. Anyway, these two guys, right? One's from, well, I don't want to get political, but a place where it's probably cold. The other guy, he's fromā¦ whereās Witkoff from? I should know this stuff. It's probably important. So, these two guys meet, and they talk. For FIVE HOURS. Five hours! I can barely talk to my wife for five minutes without her saying, āAre you listening?ā Five hours. I mean, what are they talking about? I guess important stuff, you know, world stuff. Probably stuff I wouldn't understand. Taxes, maybe? I don't know. And after the meeting, this other guy ā not the two who were actually *in* the meeting, but some other guy who works for one of the guys ā he comes out and says, āWell, we agreed on some things.ā Okay, good. Glad to hear *some*thing went well. Like when you're playing miniature golf and you finally get one in the hole. You're like, "Yes! I'm good at something!" But then he says, āSome thingsā¦ there were some complaints.ā Complaints! What were they complaining about? The room temperature? The coffee? I bet the coffee was bad. Itās always bad. And then he ends it with, "But the most important thing is... we had a good conversation." A good conversation! That's it? Five hours, and the best you can say is you had a good conversation? I have good conversations with my dog. He never agrees with me, but it's a conversation. So, basically, two guys talked for five hours, they agreed on some stuff, disagreed on some stuff, and then went home. That's the news. I don't know what it means, but it sounds important. Iām sure somebody knows whatās going on. Probably. Hopefully.
2025-12-03 00:34
Okay, so, I saw this thing about the, uh, the President. You know, the American one. We got one of those. He was talkin' aboutā¦ Somalia. Yeah, Somalia. I always thought Somalia was like, a type of cat. Turns out, it's a whole country. Learn somethin' new every day, right? I probably should've known that. That's on me. Anyways, he was sayin' some stuff. Someā¦ spicy stuff, you could say. Not, like, hot-wing spicy, butā¦ like when you accidentally put too much black pepper on your eggs. Just a littleā¦whoa, hold on a minute... So, apparently, heās thinkin' about, and Iām paraphrasing here 'cause I don't wanna get it wrong, kindaā¦ stoppinā people from comin' here fromā¦ well, he called it "third-world countries." That's the phrase he used, āThird-world countries.ā Which, I gotta be honest, I don't even know what that *means*. Is it like, the third planet from the sun? 'Cause if so, that's *us*. That's Earth! Are we on the list? Should I be worried? Do I need to pack a bag? I feel like nobody's explainin' it very well. He wants to āpermanently suspend immigrationā. Permanently. That's a long time. You know, I have trouble committing to what Iām gonna have for lunch *tomorrow*. "Permanently" feels like a really big promise. It just seems... intense. Like, you ever try to permanently suspend anything? Itās a lot of work. Like, suspending your disbelief to watch a bad movie? Thatās already a challenge. "Permanently suspend" anything? Thatās a whole commitment. So, basically, he's thinking about making it harder for people to come here. From some countries. Iām not sure exactly which ones, or whyā¦ just, you knowā¦ the President's doing President stuff. I guess. I don't know. I'm just a comedian. Figuring out Somalia is enough for one day. I'm gonna go take a nap.
2025-12-02 22:34
Okay, so, there's this guy, Rahmanullah Lakanwal. Seems like a nice enough name, right? Rahmanullah. Like he should be selling rugs, or... I don't know, making really good hummus. But apparently, the authorities are wondering about him. They're investigating. And I guess his "profile" is a mystery. Which, I get. I mean, who *really* understands profiles these days? You see someone online, they got the sunglasses picture, the picture with the dog... you think you know 'em. But do you? I don't think so. And then they're asking about his "motivations." Now that's a deep question, isn't it? What motivates *any* of us? I mean, I'm motivated by pizza, mostly. And maybe a good nap. But this guy, Rahmanullah, they're worried he's motivated by... stuff. Unspecified stuff. The news doesn't say exactly *what* stuff. Just, stuff that makes the authorities nervous. And, you know, when the authorities are nervous, *I* get nervous. I'm easy that way. Just tell me to worry, and I'm on it. So, basically, they don't know who this Rahmanullah is or why he does what he does. And that's kind of the whole story. Still, maybe he just likes hummus, and everyone is overreacting. That's my theory, anyway. Keeps me sleeping at night. I just hope he likes the olive oil flavor instead of the plain, just a small personal preference.
2025-12-02 22:04
Okay, so I heard about this thing happening overā¦ near the water. The Black Sea, they're calling it. Which, you know, seas are already wet, so "Black Sea" is just adding to the confusion. Like, is it *more* wet? Or is it wet, but you can't see it 'cause it's black? Anyway, there's these Russian ships, right? And theyāre gettingā¦ hit. By drones. Like, the flying kind, not the kind that's just standing around staring at the TV. Theyāre being targeted. Three of them. Now, I'm not a boat expert, but I'm guessing getting hit by *anything* when youāre on a boat isnāt ideal. You signed up for the navy, not a drone show. And the boats are in the middle of the water. So, Putin ā you guys know Putin? Seems like a guy who doesn't like things hitting his boats ā heās saying, āReprisals.ā Thatās what theyāre calling it. Which, you know, I don't know exactly what *that* means, but it doesnāt sound good. Itās like when my wife says, "We need to talk," itās probably not about the good thing I did, even if I canāt remember what I did. And then thereās this other guy, Erdogan. I think heās in charge of Turkey. I'm not great with geography, which is why I do comedy. It's easier than knowing where everything is. Erdogan's worried about an āescalation.ā Sounds like the opposite of an elevator, if you think about it. Elevators take you up and down in a closed off box, escalation is like it does the opposite. Is that just me? So basically, boats are getting hit, people are talking about reprisals and escalations, and I'm just trying to figure out if the Black Sea is actually black. Seems like a lot of worry for something that's already wet. I wonder if they sell special boat umbrellas. Someone should look into that, actually. It's an untapped market. I'm gonna write that down. Boat umbrellas. That's gonna be my next joke.
2025-12-02 20:34
Alright, so I'm reading the news, right? And, um, I saw this thing, I think it wasā¦ Lebanon? Yeah, Lebanon. You guys ever been to Lebanon? I haven't. Probably should, I guess. See what's going on. Anyway, it's about thisā¦ uh, guy. Letās call him Leon the Fourteenth, because that is exactly the kind of name that I cannot relate to, I can't believe people just remember numbers like that! Anyway, Leon, he's over there in Lebanon, and he's leaving, right? Packing up, heading out. Must be a lot to pack, I donāt know how much luggage you are allowed to have when you are theā¦ Leon the Fourteenth? So, he's leaving, but before he goes, he wants everyone to just, you know, chill out. Stop fighting. Real simple request. Like, "Hey guys, maybe justā¦ don't." That's his big parting message. Apparently, there's this whole thing going on. Israel, Hezbollahā¦ names I hear on the news, but I never know exactly who's mad at who and why. It's like a history test I didn't study for. Always. But theyāre, uhā¦ not getting along. And, you know, there's been someā¦ *things* happening. And Leon is basically saying, āCan we just knock it off?" See, they had this cease-fire thing, right? Like, a year ago. You know, a cease-fire. I always picture it like a really tiny bonfire, but it involves countries, I guess. But, apparently, even with this tiny bonfire, things are stillā¦ happening. The army is still out there doing stuff. I'm not sure what stuff, exactly. Probably not good stuff. So, Leon, he's just like, "Hey, remember that cease-fire? Maybeā¦ actually *do* the cease-fire?" It's a good point. I mean, itās in the title, right? I feel like you should be doing the fire-ceasing. I don't know. Seems pretty straightforward. So yeah, that's the news fromā¦ where was it again? Lebanon! That's the story. Iāll see if I can book a trip, maybe give them a call, see if I can help cease the fire myselfā¦ Iām sure theyāre waiting for my call, any second now.
2025-12-02 20:04
Alright, so I heard about this thing, see? There's this American guy, Steve... Witkoff, I think? Good name. Sounds like a guy who knows stuff. Anyway, Steve went to seeā¦ well, you know... *that* guy. The one from the news. He met with him later in the day on Tuesday. I always picture these meetings happening around like, 3pm. Like, after lunch but before that afternoon slump hits. Thatās when I make my important decisions, anyway. So, Steve's over there and apparently, thisā¦ other guyā¦ he said something. Now, Iām just trying to understand this, so bear with me. He said, and I quote, āWe donāt plan to fight Europe, but if Europe *wants* to, and they start itā¦ weāre ready right now." (Pause, shrugs) I don't get it. That'sā¦ not how fights work, right? I mean, usually, you're trying to *avoid* the fight. Like, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you don't yell, "Hey! I wasn't planning on getting angry today, but if *you* want to get me angry, and you start it, I'm ready to be furious right now!" You justā¦ let it go. Maybe honk a little. Thatās what I do anyway. I guess what I'm saying is, I would be terrible at international diplomacy. I'd be like, "Hey everyone, letās justā¦ chill out, okay? Maybe we all need a nap. A collective nap. That solves a lot of problems.ā I could solve world peace if everyone napped. It would be great. My wife, she wants me to nap. I think that's her way of solving problems too, but I canāt tell. But seriously, that's the gist of it. Someone said they don't want to fight, but *if* the other guy wants toā¦ they're ready. Sounds a lot like me when someone suggests playing Monopoly. I don't want to, but I know I'm going to lose and be mad about it anyway. So Iām already mad, and they havenāt even opened the box. You know?
2025-12-02 20:04
Okay, so, I saw this thing... about a boat. A big boat. Like, the kind that carries, you know, stuff. Probably a lot of stuff. They're saying it's a "petrolier." I think that means it carries gasoline. I don't know, I'm not a boat guy. I went on a cruise once, and that was enough for me. Too many people, too much buffet. Anyway, this boat, it's called the "Mersin." Sounds like a new kind of cough drop, right? "Mersin: for a smooth sailing throat!" I should probably trademark that. So, the "Mersin," which, again, is a BOAT, owned by this Turkish company, Besiktas Shipping. Besiktas... is that like, "bestest?" Like theyāre really confident in their shipping. Maybe *too* confident. Well, the "Mersin" got hit byā¦ four explosions. *Four*. That's a lot. I mean, one explosion is probably bad, but four? That's like, a party you *don't* want to be invited to. They called them "external explosions," so at least they weren't, like, exploding *from the inside*. That would be even worse, right? Like an alien movie. The boat is pretty messed up, which makes sense, given the four explosions. And they're investigating. Trying to figure out what happened. And one of the theories... they're saying it *could* be... and this is what I read, I'm just telling you what I read... they think Ukraine *might* have done it. Now, I'm not a political guy, I'm a comedian, but that seems like a big deal, right? Boats, explosions, countries... I just wanted to know how much gas was at the gas station. You know? I was thinking, "I'll fill up my truck, maybe get a snack." Now I'm reading about international incidents. So, bottom line, this boat, the "Mersin," got exploded. And nobody really knows exactly *who* did it, or *why*. Which is justā¦ how do you explain that to your kids? "Honey, some things just explode, sometimes, and we don't know why. Now eat your vegetables." I don't know. It's just confusing. Maybe Iāll just ride my bike to work. Avoid boats altogether.
2025-12-02 19:34
Okay, so I was reading the news the other day, and this judo thing... I don't know much about judo. Seems like a lot of throwing people. Which, I guess, is the point. But anyway, there's this international judo federation, right? Big group, controls all the judo-ing. And apparently, they had these... uh... well, I don't want to get political, but these athletes from a certain country... let's just say the country is known for its cold winters... they were, uh, you know, not allowed to participate for a while. Okay, so here's where it gets weird. This judo federation, they decided to just... let 'em back in. No questions asked. Like, "Hey, you're good now! Come on back and throw some people!" And I'm thinking, "That's interesting." Because usually, when you get kicked out of something, there are rules. You gotta apologize, do some community service, maybe take a judo etiquette class. I don't know, something. But nope. Just back in. And the explanation I read...apparently the head of the judo group, this guy is *really* into this particular country. Like, maybe collects their stamps or something. He just seems to really like them. Which, listen, I'm not judging. We all have our things. I'm really into... naps. But if I was in charge of an international napping federation, I wouldn't just let anyone in for a nap without them filling out the right paperwork. You gotta follow the rules! It's nap time, it's important. So, yeah, judo. People throwing people. And apparently, some throwing people who were told they couldn't throw people, can now throw people again. I don't know, it's confusing. Maybe I'll just stick to watching. From a safe distance, of course. I don't need anyone throwing *me*. I'm clumsy enough as it is. I'd probably just trip over my own feet and end up on the mat. Then *everyone* would be throwing me. That's my luck.
2025-12-02 19:04
Alright, so I was readingā¦ well, someone told me aboutā¦ this book. Okay, itās a book. About the European Union, right? And they're trying to do thisā¦ thing. It's like, they want everything to be "carbon neutral." I think that meansā¦ we just, like, donāt use carbon? Or maybe we use *less* carbon. I don't know. I'm not a carbon expert. I use paper plates, you know? Iām doing my part to support trees. Anyway, this guy ā a politician, I think heās called an āeurodĆ©putĆ©,ā which sounds fancy. Iām thinking of getting one of those. It might impress my wife. Probably not. She's seen me try to fix the dryer. So, this eurodĆ©putĆ©, he wrote a book about how he helped get the European Union to start trying to be carbon neutral. It's called, uh, "Winning the Fight of the Green Pact." Or something close to that. My French isā¦ nonexistent. But the thing is, he says itās been a fight. Apparently, there are these other guys... "extreme right," he calls them. I don't know what that means. Are they, like, *extremely* right-handed? Always making right turns? Iām just trying to picture it. So they're giving him trouble, he says, to try to stop this carbon neutral thing. Maybe they *like* carbon. I don't know. People like weird things. Like mayonnaise on fries. Have you ever seen that? Why would you... you know, carbon's probably better than that. So, basically, this guy is saying that he helped Europe try to go green, but it's still a fight, and these "extreme right" guys are trying to mess it all up. I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out what to recycle. I got cardboard, glass, plasticā¦ itās a whole thing. Makes you think. Maybe I should write a book about recycling. I'd probably get yelled at by the "extreme right." Or the recycling guys.
2025-12-02 19:04
Alright, so I heard about this thing happening over... over there. You know, where they have, like, the buildings with the really old architecture? And the tiny cars? Yeah, *that* place. So, apparently, there's this school. Called the "College of Bruges." Sounds fancy, right? Like, you gotta wear a sweater vest just to apply. Anyway, they train people to be diplomats. Diplomats! Imagine that. "Excuse me, sir, but your aggressive stance towards our country is, well, *inconvenient*." That's basically their job. Now, the European... uh... "Action Service" ā which sounds like a group of superheroes that only address parking violations, but I guess they handle foreign stuff ā they were supposed to pick someone to run this training program for the future diplomats. And wouldn't you know it, the College of Bruges got the gig! Now, here's the kicker. The lady in charge of the Action Service from 2014 to 2019, her name's... let's just call her "Federica." Federica *used* to run the Action Service. Then she went to go run the College of Bruges, right? Now she's the head of the very school getting the contract. So, *now*, they're saying maybe, just *maybe*, Federica maybe had a tiny, teeny bit of influence on getting her *own* school this sweet diploma-training contract. They are investigating. "Suspicion of favoritism" they call it. Which is like saying, "I suspect that magician pulled that rabbit out of his hat." Now, I don't know anything about international affairs, but I *do* know that if you're in charge of picking who gets to train diplomats, you probably shouldn't be picking the place you just went to work at. Unless that's just me. Am I crazy? I probably just don't understand how the world works. I mean, I still get confused by those automatic paper towel dispensers.
2025-12-02 18:34
Alright, so, I heard about this thing. The French President is going to China. That'sā¦a trip. Three days. Wednesday to Friday. Seems like a long time to be gone. I mean, what happens if something comes up back home? Youāre justā¦in China. And they're saying, like, things arenāt exactly smooth between France and China right now. Like, they haveā¦ disagreements. Which, I get. I have disagreements with my wife all the time. Usually about where to put the car keys. It's not World War III, but itās *my* World War III, you know? But this seems bigger. See, China is still buddies with Russia, who, you knowā¦Ukraine situation. And apparently, France buys a LOT of stuff from China. Like, a *lot*. To the point that France is in a financialā¦ hole? Deficit? I don't understand economics. I just know that when *Iām* in a deficit, it means I ordered too much pizza that month. So, the French President is going over thereā¦to talk about it. Three days toā¦ talk. I don't know. I feel like these things should be a phone call. "Hey, China, we need to talk aboutā¦stuff." Boom. Done. Saves you a plane ticket. I mean, have you *seen* the price of airplane peanuts these days? Itās outrageous. But I guess it's more serious than that. So, hopefully, they can figure it out. Before things getā¦ worse. Because honestly, Iām having a hard enough time just figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
2025-12-02 18:04
Alright, so I was reading this thingā¦ I don't even know where I was reading it, probably on my phone, which is already a problem. I should probably get a real newspaper. You know, like my dad used to. He always knew what was going on. I just know what's on TikTok. Anyway, this thing I was reading was aboutā¦ well, itās about countriesā¦ and other countriesā¦ and deportations. See, here's the deal, as far as I can understand it. The European Union ā those are all the countries over there, right? Like, England, France, Germany. All those places where they drive on the wrong side of the road. It messes me up every time. So, the EUā¦ theyāre kicking people out, right? Sending them back to wherever they came from. I get that. You gotta have rules. But hereās where it gets weird. They're saying that if those countries ā the ones people are being sent back to ā if they *don't* take their people backā¦ wait for itā¦ they might have to pay *more* taxesā¦ or, tariffs orā¦ something? Itās like, "Weāre sending you your people, but if you don't take them, you owe us money!" I don't know about this one... Iām thinking, shouldn't they *want* their citizens back? I mean, if I got kicked out of someplace, Iād hope my country would take me. I mean, I'm not doing anything wrong, but you know, just in case. And my wife, she's always saying I could get lost anywhere, so it's always good to know I have a safety net. But here's the kicker. And this is where I really get lost. Apparently, the rules for all of this are so complicatedā¦ so, so complicatedā¦ that probably nobody will even bother to do it. They spent all this time making the rule, and they know itās probably never gonna be used. Itās like that thing my wife does with the Tupperware. She buys all this Tupperware, right? A million different sizes. And then we just end up using the same three containers, and the rest is just stacked in the cabinet, taking up space. That's what this sounds like. Like, just put them in the cabinet. So basically, everyone agreed to something that nobody understands, and nobody is probably going to use it anyway. Seems about right. I feel like I could have been in that meeting. I would have fit right in. Just smiling and nodding. And occasionally saying, "Yeah, that sounds good!"
2025-12-02 17:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing, and it was talking about this guy... I think he's, uh, from somewhere else, not here. Maybeā¦ Canada? I'm terrible with geography. Anyway, this guy was inā¦ Kabylie? Is that a place? Sounds like a new flavor of yogurt. He was there doing a story on a soccer team. You know, soccer. I tried to watch it once. Just a lot of running. Not a lot of *scoring*. I get bored. I need goals. Like, in life, you know? Gotta have goals. So, he's doing this soccer story andā¦ they arrested him. I guess he was there for five months ? That's a long time to be away from home. Iād miss my family. I'd miss seeing what my daughter is up to. She's drawing on the walls again, probably. And they, uh... I think they said he did something wrong, like, promoting something he shouldn't. They said he was doing something, uh, "apologie du terrorisme". I donāt even know what it is, but it doesn't sound good. I'm pretty sure I didn't even pronounce that right, either. I should probably know what I'm talking about here. So, they gave him seven years. *Seven years!* That's a long time to be in jail. I donāt think I could do seven years. I'd probably forget how to use a phone. Or, like, where I put my keys. Now they're having another trial. Maybe they'll figure out what happened. I hope so. I'd hate to be in jail for seven years. That's like... a lot of soccer games to miss.
2025-12-02 17:04
Alright, so I saw this thing, and it's about South Korea, right? Seoul, the capital. You know, I always forget what the capital is for most countries. It's embarrassing. Like, if someone asked me the capital of Canada right now, I'd probably say, "Um... hockey?" Anyway, Seoul. They have a problem with, uh, people being lonely. Which, I get it. Sometimes I'm in a room full of people, and I'm still thinking, "Man, I could really use a nap." But, you know, that's just me. Iām pretty sure I have āintrovertā written somewhere on my forehead. So, these Koreans, they're trying to fix this loneliness thing. And their solution isā¦ mini-marts. Like, convenience stores. They're calling them "heart convenience stores." I don't know, that sounds a littleā¦ much. Like, are they selling hearts in there? I hope not. My wife would never let me buy something like that. She doesn't trust me with organ meat. Apparently, the idea is that if people have a reason to go to the store, they might talk to somebody. Maybe buy a candy bar. Share a knowing glance over the discounted ramen. I don't know. It's a little strange, right? Like, "Hey, you look sad. You should go buy some chips." I mean, I guess it could work. I go to the store a lot. Usually because I forgot something. Like, I'll go for milk, and I'll come back with everything but milk. My wife is not a big fan of this. But yeah, Seoul. Trying to combat loneliness withā¦ snacks. Weāll see how this goes. You just gotta wonder who thought this up. Bet it was a guy who loves snacks...
2025-12-02 17:04
You know, I was reading about this thing that happened in Sumatra, and I'm not exactly a weather expert, but I'm pretty sure I've got the gist of it. So, there's this tropical cyclone, Senyar, and it's like the ultimate party crasher. It shows up, and it's all, "Hey, I know you're having a monsoon season, but let me just add a little something to the mix." (pauses) And then, the rain just starts pouring down. I mean, we're talking "I-just-spilled-coffee-all-over-my-shirt" kind of rain, but, you know, on a much larger scale. (chuckles) The rivers start overflowing, and it's like they're carrying all the trees and branches with them, like they're trying to start a big, wet parade. (laughs) But the thing is, it's not funny, because it's really not. I mean, over 600 people lost their lives, and that's just... (pauses, shaking head) I don't know, it's just a lot to take in. I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be in a situation like that, and I just couldn't. I mean, I can barely handle a surprise thunderstorm at the park, let alone a full-blown cyclone. (laughs) I'd probably just be the guy standing under a tree, getting soaked, going, "This is not good." (laughs) Anyway, that's what happened in Sumatra. It's just one of those things that makes you go, "Wow, nature is powerful, and I'm just a guy who can't even predict the weather on my phone." (laughs)
2025-12-02 16:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other dayā¦ you know, trying to stay informed. Itās hard, though. All these countriesā¦ they got their own problems, and I barely understand ours. Anyway, there's this guy, used to be the president of some place. Iām not gonna try to pronounce the name, because Iāll butcher it. You know how it is, you see a word and you justā¦ give up. Just call him Steve. Weāll call him Steve. So Steve, he was in prison over here. Forty-five years! That's a *long* time. You think about that...forty-five years. Thatās almost as old as I *feel*, and Iām onlyā¦ well, nevermind. Point is, he was in for drug stuff. See, I donāt get that. Like, running a whole country is already a tough job. Who has the time to also be involved in the drug trade? Seems like a lot to juggle. I can barely remember to take the trash out. But get this, he's out. Released. His wife announced it on social media. Which, thatās the world we live in now, huh? Big news? Post it on the internet. I guess if I ever achieve anything, I'll have to put it online. And the timing is wild, because Steve gets out right when their country is having some kind of election. Two guys are running, and theyāre both on theā¦right side. You know. Political things. Look, I can barely keep up with American politics, alright? I once tried to explain the electoral college to my daughter and she just looked at me like I was speaking another language. And, you know, she might have been right. So Steveās out, electionās happening, and everythingāsā¦well, it's probably pretty crazy over there. I just hope everyoneās doing alright. I really do. I just donāt understand how all this works. I really don't. I just tell jokes. Which, honestly, feels a lot safer than running a country or, you know, *being* a country.
2025-12-02 16:34
Alright, so I'm trying to figure out this Olympics thing, right? And it's alwaysā¦ itās a whole deal. So, I guess there's thisā¦ committee. The International Olympic Committee. Sounds important, right? They got "International" right there in the name. Makes you think they know what they're doing. And apparently, there are some peopleā¦ you know, athletes, real good at skiing... fromā¦ well, let's just say some places. These places, they gotā¦ issues. So, the Committee, they have these ācriteria,ā which is just a fancy word for "rules," right? Itās like when my wife sets criteria for what kind of snacks I'm allowed to buy. Healthy snacks. Like I know what those are. Criteria! Anyway, if these athletes canā¦ answer these criteria. Like a test, but athletic. Then they can be "neutral." Which, I guess, means they're not representingā¦ the places with the issues. They're justā¦ skiers. Like Switzerland. Always neutral. Seems like a good gig. So, if they're neutral, then this other group, the International Ski Federationā¦ also very international. They say that these neutral athlete skiers can, get thisā¦ ski to *qualify* to ski. I justā¦ itās a lot of skiing. Like, you have to ski to get to ski. It just feels like we're adding extra steps, right? Why not justā¦ let them ski? They're already skiers! I could never do that. My balance is terrible. I think Iād get disqualified. So, basically, if these people can follow the rules, to be neutral, then they can ski to try to get to ski in the Olympics. I think I got it. Mostly. Iām gonna need a minute. Anyone else confused? No? Just me? Ok, that sounds about right.
2025-12-02 16:04
Alright, so I saw this thing aboutā¦ Ukraine. Yeah, Ukraine. They're still doing theā¦ the fighting. Which, you know, makes sense. It's a war. I think. Anyway, so they're saying they're "pursuing their defensive operations." Whichā¦ I don't know what that means. Defensive operations. Is that likeā¦ are they defending while running away? Is that the operation? "Run away, but make it look strategic." I'm not sure I could pull that off. I'd probably just trip. And apparently, they're doing this in places with names I can't even pronounce. Pokrovsk, Vovtchansk, Koupiansk. It sounds like a law firm. "Pokrovsk, Vovtchansk & Koupiansk: We fight for you... defensively." The other side, Moscow, theyāre saying different stuff. Which, of course, they are. If everyone agreed, it wouldn't be news, would it? It would just beā¦ a scheduled meeting. And those are already weird enough. "Hey, everyone agrees on everything? Great, let's meet again next week and make sure we still agree." So, yeah. Ukraine is stillā¦defending. And Moscow is stillā¦ disagreeing. And Iām still just trying to figure out whatās for dinner. Pizza? Probably pizza. Itās a defensive food, keeps you on the couch. See? I *can* do defensive operations. Just with pizza.
2025-12-02 15:34
Alright, so I read this thing, and it's about a movie guy, an American movie guy, so you know, probably lives in L.A., which, let's be honest, I don't understand. I mean, it's sunshine all the time. How do you know when to go to bed? Itās like living in a sitcom. Anyway, this movie guy... he made a movie. And apparently, it didn't do so great. Like, *not* great. Like, people went to see it and were probably like, "I thought I was coming to a *movie*?" That kind of not great. So, what does he do? This is the part I didn't get. He's got these watches, fancy watches, like names I can't even pronounce. F.P. Journe, Patek Philippe... sounds like a law firm specializing in very expensive things. And Breguet? That sounds like what you yell when you throw up. And he's selling them. To make up for the money the movie lost. Which... I get it, I guess. I mean, I sell stuff sometimes too. Like old t-shirts on eBay. But these are *watches*. Really, *really* expensive watches. My watch just tells the time. And I still look at my phone first. I don't get people and watchesā¦ It's just... seems like a lot of pressure to put on a watch. "Hey, you gotta pay for this movie that nobody liked!" I feel bad for the watches. They probably weren't even in the movie. So, this movie guy, heās auctioning them off in December, the 6th and 7th, to try and get his movie back on track. I hope he does. It would be a bummer to have to sell all your nice things. But maybe next time, just make a movie about watches. I'd watch that. Especially if one of them was like, a talking watch. That'd be good, right? Iād watch it. At least once.
2025-12-02 15:34
Alright, so I was reading this thing the other day, and it's about... well, people being upset. That part I understand. I get upset when I can't find my keys, you know? That's a whole thing. But this was in... Bulgaria. That's the place, right? Bulgaria? See, geography was never my strong suit. I remember learning about it, I think. But like, what do you even *do* with that information on a daily basis? Besides... this, I guess. Anyway, apparently, tens of *thousands* of peopleā¦ that's a LOT of peopleā¦ were hanging out in the capital, Sofia. Which, Sofia... sounds like a nice name. Like a friendly robot. "Hi, I'm Sofia, I'll help you with your taxes!" I donāt know. So, these *thousands* of people are in Sofia, and they're mad. What are they mad about? They're upset about the government's budget. The 2026 budget. 2026! That's a while from now! It's like, are we planning vacations for 2026? No, we're trying to figure out what we're doing *tonight*. But that is the way it is. The summary? People in Bulgaria are upset about a budget. I can relate. Budgets are confusing. My wife always tells me we need to stick to the budget. I always nod, like I know what she is talking about.
2025-12-02 14:34
Alright, so, I was reading the news the other day, you know, trying to figure out whatās going on in the world. It's mostly confusing. So, there's this place, Pokrovsk. Sounds like a place you'd go to buy socks, right? "Pokrovsk: Your one-stop sock shop!" But it's not that. Apparently, it's, like, a really important place for the Ukrainian army. Like, the place they get all their stuff. You know, supplies. Bullets, I guess. Socks, maybe? Anyway, the Russians said they took it. Which, that's not good. But then, the Ukrainian army was like, "No, no, no. We're still fighting for it." So I'm sitting there, reading this, and I'm thinking, "Guys, you gotta figure this out." Is it taken or not? Because I'm trying to plan my trip to... well, I wasn't planning a trip there. But still, information is information. Months, they said, of intense attacks. Months! You know, I can barely handle waiting in line at the DMV for an hour. Months of attacks? I'd be done. Iād just pack my bags and say, "Alright, you win. I'm gonna go find a good Chick-fil-A." But they're still fighting. Which is... impressive, I guess. I wouldnāt last that long. It just seems like a complicated situation. Which is pretty much every situation these days, right? Trying to figure out who has what, whoās winning, whoās telling the truth. Itās exhausting. I just want to know if Pokrovsk is open for business or not. Someone should put up a sign.
2025-12-02 14:04
Okay, so, I was reading the news the other day, trying to understand what's going on in the world, which, let's be honest, is a full-time job for somebody *else*. Apparently there's this country, uh... let's call it... "Problem-stan," because that seems accurate. And "Problem-stan" is having a little... disagreement. A *major* disagreement. See, there's the regular army, you know, the guys in the matching outfits, following the rules, *supposedly*. And then you got this other group, a militia. Run by a guy they call... Hemetti. Now, I don't know Hemetti, but that sounds like a guy who's got a lot going on. Probably doesn't return phone calls. You know the type. Anyway, these two groups, the army and Hemetti's crew, are fighting. Like, *fighting* fighting. And it's messing everything up. I think it's for the control of the country. Which I get, because everyone likes to be in charge, right? My wife always reminds me. But here's the thing. "Problem-stan" has neighbors. And these neighbors, well, they're not exactly helping. Turns out, they all have their own reasons for wanting things to go a certain way in "Problem-stan." Like when you have your family visiting from out of town and everyone tells you how to do something, but then do it your way anyway. So, it's a whole big mess, right? A country in the middle of a civil war with all it's neighbors meddling. But here's where it gets interesting. Apparently, *Donald Trump* is supposed to fix it. I don't know. I'm not a political guy. I just thought it was funny. Like, of all the people in the world you could ask to resolve this, they went to *him*. I guess the logic is, he's... good at deals? I don't know. My wife, Kelly says he's the best guy ever, I think she might be joking. So yeah. "Problem-stan" and Hemetti and the neighbors and Donald Trump. Sounds like a sitcom that's already been cancelled, right? I swear, the world is just one big "wait, what?" moment after another. I'm not getting involved. I'm just gonna stay here and work on my own problems, like matching my socks. That's a war I can actually win.
2025-12-02 13:34
Alright, so I was reading this thing, you know, a news thing. I don't follow politics *that* closely, mostly because it sounds like a made-up word anyway, right? Like "poli-tics"? What's the "tics" part? Anyway, this news thing was about... well, there's this guy, he's the president of Ukraine. Good for him, being a president. I always thought that'd be a hard job. Lots of decisions. I have trouble deciding what to have for lunch, let alone running a whole country. So, apparently, this president had a few people working for him, like, you know, his "right-hand man" type of guy. And a couple of, what do you call 'em, ministers. Now, these guys, they, uh... they resigned. Quit. Left the job. And the reason they left? Well, that's where it gets a little weird. They're saying it was because of... corruption. Now, I don't *really* know what "corruption" means, but it sounds bad, right? Like something you'd find in a Halloween haunted house. *āBeware the corruption!ā* So these guys, they were doing something that wasn't supposed to be done. And now, everyone's talking about how the president runs things. They're saying maybe he should be more... open. And transparent. Which, again, sounds like things I don't understand. I'm guessing "transparent" means you can see through him? Like a window? That'd be kinda cool, actually. You could see what he's had for lunch. Anyway, so now there's a big debate. It's like when you're playing a game with your family and nobody agrees on the rules. Except, this is about running a whole country. So, yeah, basically, the president's helpers messed up, and now people are asking him to be more... window-y. That's the best way I can explain it. I probably messed that up. Iām not good with words, or presidents. Or windows, really. I mostly just stare *out* of them.
2025-12-02 13:04
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, and it was about thisā¦ thing. This project, overseas. I donāt even know what it *is*, exactly, but it sounds expensive. Like, REALLY expensive. We're talking about a *lot* of money. I looked at the numbers, and I still didn't understand. So, basically, London... which, you know, it's a city over there, I think you guys know it... London was going to give this big chunk of change to this group working on thisā¦ thing. Weāre talking over a *billion* dollars. That's a lot of hot dogs, right? You could buy a lot of hot dogs. But then London said, āNah, weāre out.ā And I thought, āWhy? What changed?ā Turns out, they decided it was too risky. There was someā¦ uhā¦ *situation* going on, a threat. Letās just say people arenāt being nice. And it's happening near where thisā¦ projectā¦ is. So London was like, "Yeah, billion dollars? Maybe not. We're good." And Iām sitting there thinking, a billion dollars is a lot of money. I'm like "When I donāt know anything, Iām not going to give a billion dollars. I don't even have a billion dollars.ā And the Netherlands... now *they* were thinking about doing the same thing! I guess they saw what London was doing and said, āHold onā¦ is this one of those things where everyone pretends they know what's going on, but nobody *actually* knows what's going on?" Because that happens a lot, right? But then, before the Netherlands could even decide, this other company ā TotalEnergies, I guess? They're like, āWe don't need your money anyway." And I was like, "Oh, ok, they got this." So, it was like everyone was backing away slowly from a plate of slightly-too-old potato salad at a picnic. You know? Everyoneās polite, pretending it smells fine, but nobodyās grabbing it. So, to sum it up: London bailed on the project, the Netherlands was thinking about it, and the company said, "Fine, we'll do it ourselves." And Iām just sitting here likeā¦ where's the potato salad? I'm hungry. And still confused about whatever this project *is*. I swear, they just make up words to confuse me.
2025-12-02 12:04
Okay, so, you know Israel, right? They have this area, Gaza. And apparently, there's like... a line. A yellow line. I don't know why it's yellow, maybe they just had yellow paint, I don't know. But this person, in Gaza, crossed this yellow line. I guess it's a big deal, because, uh, the Israeli army... well, they shot him. I don't know. It's just... lines, you know? We have lines everywhere. Like in the grocery store, you gotta stand behind the line. And if you cross *that* line, the cashier just gives you the look. But they don't, you know, *shoot* you. And a yellow line? I mean, what if the guy was colorblind? Then what? Is it still his fault? I feel like if you're gonna have a life-or-death line, it should be, like, a flashing neon sign. "DANGER! THIS IS THE LINE! DON'T CROSS IT UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY SURE!" You know? It just seems like a lot for a yellow line. I mean, I can barely keep my kids from coloring on the walls inside *our* house. Trying to get someone to respect a line in the desert? That seems optimistic. So, yeah, someone crossed a yellow line, and now he's... no longer here. Just seems a little... much. But hey, what do I know? I once accidentally wore two different colored socks to a funeral. So, maybe my judgment isn't the best when it comes to lines and respecting boundaries.
2025-12-02 12:04
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, trying to keep up, you know? It's tough. Iām not a history guy. And this news story, aboutā¦ Europe. It involved some, uh, *people* meetingā¦ somewhere in Europe. See, the President ofā¦ Iām gonna call him the French President because I *think* that's what he is, okay? So, the French President, heās talking with the President of, uh, the Ukraine, or *an* Ukraine, or *in* the Ukraine? I don't know why that's confusing to me, but it is. Anyway, these two are talking, and then, thereās *also* gonna be a meeting with some Americans and some Russiansā¦ *in Moscow*. Whichā¦ is that supposed to make sense? It doesn't to me. Are weā¦ going to Russia to make peace? That seems like a long flight just to argue. So, they're all getting together, you know, to try and figure things out, becauseā¦ I donāt even know *what* they're trying to figure out, exactly. I think itās about peace? I'm not even sure. But the French President, he says, after talking to this other president... he says that they *still* don't have a "plan." Not even a "plan?" I mean, you gotta have *something*, right? Like, did they bring a notepad? Did *someone* write something down? A back-of-a-napkin kind of situation? I feel like they're all just walking around, like, "Hey, you got a plan?" "Nope, you?" "Nope, anyone got a plan for the peace situation?" "Still no plan over here." So, the punchline to the story isā¦ no plan. And I'm like, āGuys, I can come up with a plan.ā It might not be a *good* plan, it might involve pizza and a nap, but *still*. It would be something. You gotta have something! They just need to call me and I will explain that if you just stop, and be nice to each other, you can figure things out. It's like marriage, but bigger. Which is probably why it is harder to solve. You know, like when you and your wife argue about putting the toilet seat down - just imagine that, but with countries.
2025-12-02 11:34
Okay, so I was reading this thing, right? And Iām not a political guy, Iām just trying to figure out whatās going on, you know? I saw this article, and basically, it's talking about how things are getting a littleā¦ directā¦ in the world. Itās like, remember when people tried to be all nice and diplomatic? Like, "Please, could you maybe not invade that country? Pretty please?" Now it's more like, *bang*, done. No more Mister Nice Guy. I don't even understand the difference, honestly. Like, whatās the deal with countries anyway? It's just invisible lines on a map that someone drew a long time ago, and we're all getting worked up about it. My wife always says I should pay more attention, but this just isnāt funny! And the article, it mentions that this kinda behavior used to be something only, uh, how do you say itā¦ ābad guysā did. You know, the guys who wore the black hats, metaphorically. Which is funny because I've never seen a world leader wearing a black hat literally. That would be great, though, just a little fedora. You know what I mean? And then, the article went on, and it said the American president has been giving out a lot of pardons. Pardons! Like, getting out of jail free cards. I always thought those were just for Monopoly. I mean, I get it, everyone needs a break sometimes, but so many pardons? I wonder if you have to apply. Like, fill out a form? Do you need a reference? "Yeah, this guy robbed a bank, but he's really good at... uh... small talk." So yeah, that's what I got from that article. Basically, the worldās getting tougher, and people are getting forgiven a lot. I don't know about you, but I'm just trying to keep up. Maybe I should just stick to talking about my dog. He's much easier to understand. He eats, sleeps, and barks at the mailman. Seems pretty straightforward.
2025-12-02 11:34
Okay, so, I was reading the other day... about amusement parks. Which, you know, I like amusement parks. Who doesnāt like amusement parks? Except maybe people who get motion sickness. But I don't. Although, I did once ride a roller coaster after eating a whole corn dog. That wasn't ideal. Anyway, this article was talking about this park... Belantis, I think itās called? In Germany. I've never been to Germany. My wife has, she says itās nice. They make good cars, apparently. But this park, Belantis, itās one of the biggest in eastern Germany, they say. And they're changing it. Slowly. They're not just ripping everything down and starting over. No, they're doing itā¦gradually. Which, I appreciate that. I hate when things change too fast. I mean, I still use my phone mostly to make calls. And sometimes check the weather. Thatās about it. So, what are they doing? Well, they're adding a section, a whole area, dedicated toā¦ a cartoon dog. Now, I like dogs. We have a dog, a golden retriever. Heās real. This dog is cartoon, which, I donāt know. Are cartoon dogs that popular over there? This cartoon dog, his name isā¦ IdĆ©fix. With an accent thing. I think itās pronouncedā¦Eed-eh-feeks? I donāt know, Iām bad with names. I mean, I once forgot my own cousinās name at Thanksgiving. That was embarrassing. But this IdĆ©fix, apparently heās a big deal. Heās the star dog from some cartoon. And they're building a whole section dedicated to him. Rides, I guess? I don't know if there will be dog biscuitsā¦ Maybe? And it's not happening tomorrow. It's not even happening next year. They're saying Spring of 2026. Spring. That's a long ways away. I might be wearing different pants by then. I donāt know. So yeah, they're building a whole cartoon dog world in Germany. Iām just trying to understand who this dog is. I have a lot of questions. Like, will there be cartoon poop? I'm just curious. Maybe I'll go and check it out in 2026. Maybe. If I can find Germany on a map.
2025-12-02 11:04
Alright, alright, settle down folks. So, I was reading the news the other day ā I try to stay informed, mostly because my wife keeps saying I need to know more than the score of the Titans game. Anyway, there was this story about... the Pope. Yeah, the Pope. You know, the guy with the hat. A big hat. He was in Beirut, whichā¦ that's in the Middle East, right? I think? My geography's not great. I can find Nashville, thatās about it. But Beirut. So he's there, and they had a big service right there on the beach. Like, a real beach service. I picture it likeā¦ spring break, but with less beer and more prayer. And get this, there were like 150,000 people there. 150,000! That's a lot of folks. Thatās more people than have ever listened to me tell a joke on a Tuesday night. Probably. Maybe not. I don't know, I don't count. I'm too busy trying to remember the joke. So, the Pope gives this whole sermon, right? And apparently, usually he talks inā¦ Italian? Or maybe English? You know, Pope languages. But this time, he decides to speak inā¦ this other language. I won't even try to say it, I'll butcher it. Let's just say it was like... a fancy language. And I'm thinking, "Okay, that's cool." But then I start wondering, "Did everyone understand him?" You know, with 150,000 people there, there's bound to be someone who doesn't speak... this fancy language. I mean, *I* wouldn't. I barely understand English some days. Iām sure some people got something out of it, but I imagine there were a few people thinking, "I wish he was talking about football". That's just me, though. So, the Pope, beach service, big crowd, talks in a...special language. Thatās the whole story. Makes you think, doesn't it? Mostly it makes me think I need a nap. You guys have been great. Donāt forget to tip your servers!
2025-12-02 11:04
Alright, alright, so I was readinā somethinā the other dayā¦ somethinā about, like, the whole world, you know? Theyāre tryinā to figure out how well everyoneās doinā. Like, are we sellinā stuff to each other? Are we buildinā stuff? Are we justā¦ standinā around lookinā confused, which, I feel like I do a lot of, professionally. Anyway, these, uhā¦ these smart folks ā you know, the ones who can actually *do* math, which automatically disqualifies me ā theyāre saying that next year, 2025, the whole world is gonna grow by about 3.2 percent. Which, honestly, I donāt even know what that *means*. Three point two percentā¦ Is that a lot? Is that a little? Is it enough to get my kids to finally clean their rooms? I doubt it. But they were saying, itās actually a little *better* than they thought it was gonna be back in June. So thatās good, right? Progress! Unless they change their mind again in July, because, you know, they seem to do that. The other thing was this: It sounds like America's been taking it easy, not really selling to each other. Like, weāre sittinā on the porch, sippinā sweet tea, watchinā the grass grow. Which is nice, I guess, for a little while, but you gotta get out there and do somethin' at some point. But here's the kicker, and this is where I get lost. Apparently, over in Asia, theyāre going crazy sellin' and buyin' stuff. Like, theyāre hustlinā! I donāt know what theyāre sellinā ā probably somethin' useful, unlike the stuff I try to sell. I tried to sell my old socks online once. No takers. Guess people can tell I wear the same pair for three days straight. So, the world's growin' a little more than expected. The US is chillin'. Asia's workinā hard. Basically, the world is exactly like my family: Some people are motivated, some people areā¦ me.
2025-12-02 11:04
Alright, so, I was reading this news story, right? It was about thisā¦ intersection. I donāt know why intersections are news, but apparently, this oneās a big deal. Itās where roads and trains meet, whichā¦ seems like a lot of intersections, right? But this one isā¦ special, I guess. So, theyāve been fighting over it for months. Months! Think about that. You got these guys, justā¦ standing around an intersection, fighting. Iām picturing them just yelling at each other while cars are trying to get through. āHey! Weāre fighting here! Wait your turn!ā And apparently, one side sent in reinforcements in November. I donāt know what kind of reinforcements you send to an intersection. Like, more street signs? A really aggressive crossing guard? I donāt know. The part that got me, though, was that they denied their troops were surrounded. They were like, āNope! No encirclement here!ā Whichā¦ I donāt know. Seems like if you gotta say it, maybe itās happening? Like when I tell my wife, āI totally did the dishes!ā And she just looks at me. You know? Suspicious. So, basically, thereās this intersection, people are fighting over it, reinforcements were sent, and everyoneās denying theyāre surrounded. Itāsā¦ complicated. Like trying to parallel park downtown. You just wanna get through it, but everyoneās making it harder than it needs to be. I donāt know. Intersections. They always get you.
2025-12-02 10:34
Alright, so I was reading the news the other day, you know, trying to figure out whatās going on in the world. I saw this thing aboutā¦ Venezuela. Now, Iām not a geography expert, but I know it's in South America, but other than that, I'm pretty lost. So, apparently, there's been someā¦ pressure. Military pressure, that's what they call it, you know, like when you really want someone to take out the trash, but on a much, much bigger scale. This military pressure has been happening for three months. Three months! Thatās a long time to be applying pressure. I mean, if you hold a button down for three months, you're gonna have a problem. Anyway, Washington, you know, the place with all the government stuff, they're being real vague about whether they're going to go in on land. Like, boots on the ground. They're keeping everyone guessing. Which is a good strategy, I guess, if you want people to be confused. I'm already confused. I donāt need any help. Itās like when my wife and I are trying to decide where to go to dinner. I ask her what she wants, and she says, "Oh, I don't care." But then, when I suggest Italian, she says, "Oh, no, not Italian." That's basically what Washington is doing right now. They're like, "Maybe we'll go in, maybe we won't. Weāll see.ā I swear, sometimes grownups don't know what they're doing any more than I do. And that's saying something. I still donāt know how to work the TV remote.
2025-12-02 10:34
Alright, so, I was reading about this thing happening over inā¦ uhā¦ that place with the castles. You know, where they talk funny. Anyway, apparently, they were about to put, like, HUGE taxes on their medicine. Real big ones. Like, "Ouch, my wallet" big. And I'm thinking, "Medicine? Youāre gonna tax medicine? People need that! You know, for, like, being alive and stuff." I mean, thatās a terrible buisness plan. So, what happened wasā¦ and this is where it gets tricky, because Iām not a numbers guy, you know that about me, right? I barely understand my phone bill. Anyway, they made a deal. The folks in castles said, "Okay, we wonāt charge you those crazy taxes on your medicine." Which is good, right? We like that. People can still afford to get theirā¦ theirā¦ you know, whatever medicine they need. But then, hereās the catch. The other side, the ones who make the medicine, they said, "Okay, butā¦ weāre gonna have to charge a little more. Just a *little* more." They decided on 25% percent. I donāt know about you, but 25% doesn't sound "a little". Thatās likeā¦ a quarter! That's the whole thing! I guess the idea is to keep the medicine in the country, and not make it so expensive on taxes. So, basically, everyone wins but also everyone loses a little. Which is pretty much how life works, right? You get to keep your medicine, but it cost you a quarter more. You know, it's just...something to think about.
2025-12-02 09:44
You know, I was reading about the Pope the other day, and I found out he's got a pretty big trip planned. He's gonna go visit this port where there was a huge explosion a few years ago, August 4th, 2020. I mean, I don't know about you, but I can barely remember what I had for breakfast, and this guy's got a schedule that's like, "Oh, yeah, Tuesday, explosion site, 2 PM." (chuckles) So, it turns out this is the last stop on his first international trip, which is five days long. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact that he's traveling that much or that he's got a team of people who can pack for him. I mean, I struggle to pack for a weekend, and this guy's got a whole entourage making sure he's got the right hat for every occasion. (laughs) Apparently, he's been sending out all these subtle messages and symbols during his trip. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's like when I try to send a message to my wife through our kids. You know, like, "Hey, can you tell Mom I love her?" And then the kid just goes, "Dad wants a sandwich." (audience laughs) But, hey, the Pope's got a tough job, right? I mean, he's got to be diplomatic and careful with what he says. Although, I'm pretty sure if I were in his shoes, I'd just end up saying something like, "You know what, folks? I'm just happy to be here, and I hope nobody explodes anything while I'm visiting." (laughs) Yeah, that's probably not exactly what they're looking for in a spiritual leader.
2025-12-02 07:34
You know, I was thinking, have you ever noticed how the weather's like that one relative who just can't make up their mind? One day it's all sunny and nice, and the next, it's like, "Oh, you know what? I'm just gonna pour down rain for weeks." (pauses) And then, of course, everyone's like, "Oh no, flooding!" (chuckles) But seriously, after these record rains, I was reading about how the people in those areas are now dealing with, like, super high prices for stuff and a real risk of famine and humanitarian crises. (in a slightly confused tone) Which, I mean, it's like... I get it, the rain was bad, but now it's like the rain was just the beginning, you know? It's like the weather was just setting the stage for... (pauses) for all this other stuff. I was trying to wrap my head around it, and I thought, "Well, I guess when it rains, it pours... and then when it stops raining, the prices go up, and people get hungry." (laughs) I don't know, maybe that's just me. But it's like, you'd think the rain would be the hard part, and then everything would just... (shrugs) get better. But nope, it's like the rain was just the appetizer, and now we've got a whole other set of problems. (smiling) Anyway, that's just my take on it. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot more prepared for a flood if I just had a really good umbrella. (laughs)
2025-12-02 06:34
Alright, so, I was reading... well, someone *told* me about this thing. It's about the Pope. You know, the guy with the hat? Big hat. They go to Turkey and Lebanon. Which, I mean, that's a long trip, right? Did he fly coach? I always wonder about that. Anyway, this guy, aā¦ uhā¦ religion expert. I don't know, that seems like a hard job. Imagine having to know *all* the religions. I can barely remember what day it is. So, this religion expert is saying the Pope is using, like, international law. Instead of, you know, Bible stuff. Which... well, I'm not a Pope expert. I just know they wear the big hats. But it sounds like he's trying to beā¦ fair? I guess? Like, "Hey, let's just go by the rules we all agreed on, not just what *I* think is right." I don't know, maybe it's because he's traveling. When I travel, I try to be on my best behavior too. Although, my best behavior mostly involves not losing my wallet. I haven't figured out international law yet. Mostly because I haven't figured out how to use the self-checkout at the grocery store. One step at a time, you know? One step at a time.
2025-12-02 06:04
You know, I was reading about this thing that happened in Washington, where two National Guard soldiers got attacked. And after that, it seems like the authorities just started talking a lot about what they're gonna do about migrants. I mean, they're making a lot of announcements, like they're trying to make it sound like they're doing something. (pauses) It's kinda like when I say I'm gonna start exercising, but really I'm just gonna buy a new pair of running shoes and leave them in the box. (chuckles) So, they're talking about all these things they're gonna do, and one of the words they're using is "remigration". Now, I'm not totally sure what that means, but it sounds like something my grandma would say when she's trying to get me to move back in with my parents. (laughs) "You should remigrate back to your old room, it's still got your old bed in it!" (in a mock grandma voice) But seriously, it's like they're trying to make it sound like they've got a plan, but I'm not really sure what the plan is. It's like when I'm trying to fix something around the house, and I'm just using a lot of words to sound like I know what I'm doing. "Yeah, I'm gonna just, uh, recalibrate the... thingamajig, and then I'll, you know, remigrate the... other thing." (laughs) Yeah, that's pretty much what's going on here, I think.
2025-12-02 06:04
Alright, so I was reading this thing the other day... Actually, "reading" is a strong word. I was *looking* at some words. It was... a report. You know, one of those things with numbers and charts? I glazed over most of it. But the gist of it, as best as I can figure it, is about China, and... money. Specifically, they're loaning money to people. Countries, mostly. And for a while, I guess they were loaning money to build stuff. Like, roads. Big roads. Called something fancy... I think they called them the New Silk... something. Sounded historical. I didn't build them. They're probably bigger in China. But here's the kicker. The report said... wait, I gotta remember the number... Okay, it said more than three-quarters of the money they're loaning now isn't for those roads anymore. Now, I'm not great at math, but three-quarters is a lot, right? It's most of it. So where's all this money going? Well, that's the part that's kinda funny to me. It's going to... what did they call it?..."Advanced economies." Now, I don't know exactly what an "advanced economy" is, but it sounds like the kind of place that probably already has roads. Maybe even *too* many roads. You ever drive in a city with too many roads? I don't like it. You're just guessing which way to go. So basically, China's loaning money to countries that probably already have money to build their own roads. It's like giving a guy who already has a lawnmower another lawnmower. "Here you go! Now you have *two* lawnmowers!" I don't know what they're going to do with two lawnmowers! I'm not an economist or anything, I just find it funny. That's all. This report said it. They seem pretty sure. I just repeated it. If it's wrong, I am not responsible.
2025-12-02 05:05
You know, I was reading about Donald Trump the other day, and I'm not really sure what's going on, but apparently, he's trying to be a mediator in this whole Russia-Ukraine thing. Which, I mean, that's like me trying to referee a fight between my wife and her sister. I'm just gonna end up making it worse, you know? (chuckles) So, Trump's got this "peace plan" that he's trying to get everyone to agree on, and I'm not really sure how it works, but I think he made it with the Russians. Which, I don't know, seems like maybe not the most neutral party to be working with. It's like if I was trying to negotiate a deal with my neighbor, but I was only talking to his lawyer, who also happens to be his cousin. (laughs) And the weird thing is, Trump's not even asking for a ceasefire anymore, which seems like, I don't know, a pretty basic thing to ask for in a peace plan. It's like, "Hey, can you guys just stop fighting for a second?" But I guess that's not part of the plan. I'm not really sure what the plan is, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to work. (shrugs) I mean, have you ever tried to negotiate with someone who's not really listening to you? It's like trying to have a conversation with my dog. I'm like, "Okay, buddy, let's go for a walk," and he's just like, "Woof woof woof!" (laughs) I'm pretty sure that's what's going on with Trump and the Europeans right now. But you know, it's funny, because Trump's whole thing is that he's a great negotiator, right? He's written all these books about it. I'm like, "Dude, I've written a book about how to make a decent grilled cheese sandwich, but that doesn't mean I'm a chef." (laughs) Anyway, that's what's going on with Trump and the whole Russia-Ukraine thing. I'm not really sure what's gonna happen, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be interesting. (pauses) Or, you know, it might just be a big mess. Either way, I'll be over here, trying to stay out of it. (chuckles)
2025-12-02 05:05